Where did the last 6 months go?

I realised that i can't leave my blog with too much of an introspective/searching post... thats not cricket now, is it! Just to clarify, i'm not **leaving** my blog; i'm just moving into Hermil where i don't have 24/7 access to internet at my fingertips. This means i'll be less motivated to walk down to uni and blog in a room full of people.
(ooh - theory time, Nathan! Maybe this factor determines how much each person gets involved in their blog? If you have the internet at home, then you will write more personal posts, and you will write many more posts than those who don't? Hmmm *ponders* ..... )

So i'd like to post a wee sum up(?) about my last post.
Yay! I had a random commenting!! How exciting :):):) Thanks Serene!
When i was reading the comments this verse popped into my head "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties..." (NKJV)
Hmm yea. So i'd like to incorporate all your comments - Ask God to confirm himself, ask Him to refine and test me, and also i will be less anxious and more trusting... I think this calls for spending more time just 'being' with God - not feeling like you have to sing, or talk, or anything - just soaking in his presence (and trusting that it **is** his presence!)
For those of you who were disobedient and didn't do it last time, i really urge you guys to click on this link, click on "listen now" (just under where it says United Live - Everyday) a popup window will appear, then click "heaven", take a moment to calm yourself, and really soak in God's presence :)


In other news... i have no other news...hmm... what can i make up? Anyway I hope you all miss talking to me on Messenger ... i'll only be on every so often when i go home... and hopefully i'll see you at Hermil :)
And don't worry... i'll still be blogging.

Here's a timeline of my blogging over the last 7 months :)
-The very first post
-Missing Ben who i had a 'fling' with, and hadnt seen for 6 months
-a part of my Testimony and what God has done for me
-Bill being sick and me being worried
-Starts of being insane
-In the depths of the insanity pit
-Preach it sister!
-Seeing Ben for the first time in 9 months
-Gutwrenching poetic honesty
-*Sigh* more boys falling for me
-Being upset again, thanks Ben!
-More honesty and Ben
-Posting about the Nathan saga... oooooh!
-Love to all the boys...
(and just to remind you all. I do love you heaps :) All you lovely boys (who haven't been commenting for AAAAGES!! (Matt, Breo, Reuben, Sam, Nato, Fraser, Mike.. you guys rock my socks off to far far away places) And you beautiful sweet girls.... Jess, Kelly, Ruth oh how i love you :] )
-More tough times ... heck! this must be like the longest post EVER!!
-A happy birthday post
-Gracias a mi Padre
-The future
-Rival for the longest post ever?
-My literary genius strikes again
-Thinking about "him" again
-Fears about Bill return
-Bill dies
-Toubles with Josh
-An awesome Poll about which one of us is nuttiest!!
-Brief moment of down-ness again
-Par-tay!
-Another moment of reflection


There you have it :)
I wanted to show the progress, but apparently i'm good at wingeing and ranting about the naff stuff, but not so good at relaying the changes. As such, i feel it is time for an update on all thats happened in the last 6 months, which, from the timeline, you can tell is a lot!

Firstly, on the Ben front.
Ben was a guy i got involved with very quickly in August last year. We ended up kissing passionately in C Block, and outside his house. We talked about Christianity, and i was a terrible example of the "i will kiss you but oh heck no, i can't date you" sort of secular Christianity. Then he told me he wasn't interested in me and we needed to just be friends. I didn't see him for 9 months, then in July he returned to uni. This really tore me up, and i was a bit bitter inside, and even ended up bawling on Paulie's shoulder one day at uni(!). People like Nathan, Paulie, Reuben, Mike and Sam had some awesome insights to give, and this helped me hugely. The part i haven't posted is that over the ensuing 4 months God really worked massively in me, healing, restoring and repairing. Now i can see Ben, smile, perhaps wave and say hi, but have no desire to talk to him; i guess you could say he's now just like someone "i knew in the past". Most importantly, all the pain and regret i felt has melted away.

Nathan issues
Nathan was my cell group this year, and cos he's so lovely, i began to like him A LOT! He could see, though, that we aren't really matched at all, whereas I blinded myself to this. It caused a bit of pain as we had to talk it over. In July (also) i had to decide to let the issue go free, and stop trying to hold on to it. In the times since then, God has done amazing things in my life, restoring my hope, helping me to be stronger in my feelings for people (stronger as in not to just fall for all the lovely boys that come along, but just the ones that are actually compatible), and he has really strengthened the friendship Nate-dogg and I have :)

Life insecurities
This is even MORE evidence of how awesomely God has worked in my life in the past 6 or 7 months... God is such a cool dude :)
I guess there are still posts every now and then about feeling lonely, lost, and insecure, but the frequency has lessened (i feel). With God i am moving from strength to strength, and i am just so so thankful for all He has done in me. I think some of it is actually too personal to post, but man God blows me away. I've had so much naff stuff in my life that i stupidly got involved in, but God has used everything for good. Ack! This is one of those times where i cannot express God's awesomeness, i have to simply stand here in awe and let my spirit intercede in grunts and groans.
Even in these last 3 or 4 weeks i have felt such a massive change on the inside.

Lets have another go at some poetry seeing as i haven't written much lately. I don't only want to be able to write good poetry when i'm crawling on the floor, tears dripping from my chin, achingly desperate for comfort. Aah i am a true writer.

All i can do is stand here in awe
gaze upon your marvellous face
your beauty overwhelms me,
holiness overcomes me
glory brings me to my knees.

Why do you keep on loving me,
Through all of my stumbled walk?
Each time you'd think i learn,
but no, oft it seems that
for every step forward, two back.

You've melted away fear and doubt,
stripped insecurity and pain
Began to rebuild this temple
and one day it will stand
more glorious than before

Your love is so enduring
it puts up with all my crap
now i sit here by your feet
release the last few years
they no longer hold me down

O God how you strengthen my heart
that i would love like you
Test me, try me, and refine me
that i might soar on wings
far above the pits of yesterday

Gracious, merciful, loving, Father
With you, i'm never alone
Your comfort a whisper away
My gratitude often unsaid
will you take this simple prayer?

Thankyou
one word holds more meaning
than a million others i say
Daddy you made me your child
i finally understand.

hello God... are you really there or is it just me?

Oh bother... time for another brutally honest post. Like Katherine, i have a tendency to worry myself into a stew, often over silly little things. I dont do this often, as i'm relatively laid back, but last night i had a bit of a moment. In Kelly's words, "my life is too easy, i disgust me".
I got really worried yesterday that i haven't been perceiveing God 'correctly' ... that perhaps the reason everything seems so lovely and idyllic is because i haven't actually found God. Maybe me and God aren't like this *holds up two crossed fingers* but thats some false sense of God that i have and maybe God is really a wee way away saying "hello? can you hear me?" but i can't hear cos i'm so caught up in my happy box?

I don't really know how to put this into words, but i got rather upset about like maybe when i pray i'm not actually talking to God, but to a voice in my head that i **think** is God, but is really just me. And maybe when i yell out awesome things to him on Sundays at church i am really yelling into the wind?

I'm very sure in my faith usually, just all of a sudden i was plagued with doubts about how life seems to finally be the way i want it to be and this can't be right. Finally i'm happy with who i am. I'm not perfect, or anywhere near it, but i'm definately at a good place. I'm no longer battling with Depression. I'm not leading boys astray. I'm spending time with God each day. I'm really passionate about him.
This can't be right.
Maybe i'm missing something?
Maybe i'm blind?
Maybe theres something big going on that i've deluded myself into thinking isn't there?
Maybe God's not as close as i think he is. Maybe the voice in my head i trust and listen to, and let guide me is actually satan and not God?
And how can i know for sure?

However this morning i tried to make sense of it all. With the help of a Sheila Pritchard technique, i talked to God (or was that just my **conception** of God?! ARGH!)
I feel really self conscious about this... oh well
Anyway what i did was to choose some crayons that were colours that seemed to describe my mood, and draw how i felt. Then i asked God what colour he was and how he wanted to be portrayed on the picture.
I drew in dark blue, dark green, gray and dull purple. I drew me, idyllic in my box, while the trinity tried to get in, but i couldn't see that they weren't in the box cos i was so happy in the box.
God chose yellow. and drew himself in the box, around the box, and broke down the wall of the box.
If it **was** actually God that is. And not just some part of my imagination *sigh*.

thoughts for today

1. I switched back to lady deodorant, thanks to Ruth, and confound it wasps are attracted to it. I'm always surrounded by bees and wasps. Gar!

2. Ruth is leaving to back to Paekakeriki today *sniff* boo hiss! I shall miss her lots and lots and lots

3. I still want an ant farm

4. i am unemployed ... boohoo!

5. love is in the air ... i definately smell love aplenty ... (not here, unfortunately)

6. I'm moving in to Hermil vewwy soon... i think this Monday. Mwa ha ha... get prepared oh my lovlies - Heln and shell, Sal and ethol, Este and knightley!!!

winding down post-exam rant

Bah... why do exams suck the life out of you? Once again, i was the first person to leave the exam... HOW MANY TIMES HAS THAT HAPPENED BEFORE?! People must hate doing exams with me... make them feel insecure! Although this time it was 1hr and 15 minutes til i left.
My watch battery is slowly dying. Many MANY times has it made me late/got me into trouble. Today was nearly one of those times. I fluffed around at home changing my keyrings around (which took about 15 minutes) and then i realised (when i rang 0800 000 000 - former Santa line, but now Telecom) that i had 10 minutes less than i thought. This meant that i had exactly 30 minutes until 2.25. Exams start at 2.30. Its Saturday. And i dont live in Christchurch. Yeah. so... However i managed to make it to Uni by 2.22 (wow) and then, awesomly, i had prayed for a park, and i felt God saying that he'd left me one of those ones right outside the science block. I am not very holy and i thought 'no way am i trusting you on that one, God'... wasted some moments driving round the science carpark til i found a park, then realised that there were 3 available in the spot God had told me about. Yeah. Good move, Walker.
But this was my best exam (ever) in a number of ways - i'd had 3 weeks to study for it. I had, in fact, spent over 4 hours a day for 2 of those weeks studying, and today i spent a bit of time in prayer, preparing, and actually, for the first time, prayed before beginning the exam. It went well :) The only time i had trouble was in the second (of two) essay question, where i was skint on material. However i should get the A for it that i wanted, which (with lots of hope) will get me a B overall (damn that D on the last assignment!!)

Anyway, i'm all done for months and months and months... and will be moving into the infamous Hermil within the week. Will post more later about stuff. Actuall stuff (if there is any)

48 hours to go til exam

Todays quotes:
We should be like love on wheels
-Glen my Youth Pastor

the problem with live sacrifices is that they tend to crawl off the altar (In reference to Romans 12v1)
-Rick Warren


Can anyone help me find an ant farm? (apart from Breo the dingbat) I'd really like one... and i've phoned up a few places but they didn't have them...

a little rant on a life with purpose (and Warren)

I'm gonna get straight into it... no mucking around. Rick Warren is taking over my life. I can't escape him. He's everywhere. And he doesn't do videos at all well.

I headed off to Leaders meeting ("empower") tonight at church, ready and anticipating a sesh of calling down the hoooooly ghost... and i got Rick Warren. Don't get me wrong, the dude's got some good ideas, but. hmm.. yeah. Darn you Andrew and other people! Once upon a time i liked the dude, this may have been because i read 'the purpose driven life' at 6.45am's while passing in and out of slumber, and only remembered the part that said "you should know your testimony" and the section on "bad things happen to make you stronger". I couldn't even remember what the five (i hope its five or i'll look like a wally) porpoises ..er i mean purposes.. are. But after reading all your debates on the campaign, i am really starting to notice some of the same nuances that you all did.

For a start, the word 'purpose' is driving me crazy. That word will never be the same in my eyes again! I used to like it. I don't think i've ever come across it in my NKJV and Good News bibles, however Warren manages to find it in his numerous bible translations. Its everywhere, gosh darn it. In fact, if we're not careful, purpose will take over the world. Everywhere we look we will see "PURPOSE" screaming out at us. Leering at us like a drunkard, un buveur.. er um sorry... got carried away.

ANYWAY, i rolled on up for the holy spirit time and we are watching Rick Warrens video about small groups. My favourite part is where Monsieur Warren makes jokes that are terrible, then chuckles away, "hoh hoh hoh", at his own humour. I also like the part where he turns around, you see him turn, THEN the camera joins him at his new position... BRILLIANT :) I was a little disappointed, to say the least, at having to watch 15-20 minutes of this video. You could clearly see Warren reading an auto cue, and he made numberous mistakes -not that theres anything wrong with having his notes written or making mistakes, he just didn't seem genuine when he read them; he seemed stiff and contrived.
I don't mean to be so overly critical, i just find it very hard to digest so much of his material.

You see... I am a cell group leader (Sadly of a group of 13-16 yr old girls who aren't Christians, so the purpose driven life is really gonna have to be cut down to mean something to them), so i have to do the material on Tuesday nights, as well as preparing for it beforehand. I am expected to read the book daily, and if possible, to attend my own cellgroup to discuss the concepts. Also, we get a sermon summing up the previous 7 days on a sunday morning, and every second sunday when we have evening church, we get an extra bit. In addition, we have the leaders meetings, where we get to talk about what's happening in our groups, and we get to watch a Warren video.

Argh. It's everywhere!

what happens when you leave yourself logged in on Nato's computer

Just a little post of clarification...
Don't worry Fraser, i am still holding on to my gravity! The last post was by Nathan...
we cunningly discovered that i had left myself logged in to Blogger on his laptop, and so hijinks ensued. As you (Fraser) and you (Chad) may have noticed, Nato left you amusing little comments on your blogs under the guise of me. (Although i did screen them to make sure they weren't going to get me into trouble, he he!)

So yus.... I am still mature! (like Ruth)

I'm a Voracious Vewil

I will eat you all!!!
No-one is safe from my encrusted talons and hypnotic mind powers.

I will have you all!!!

Beware, Nathan is watching.........

hmm... wat to post about, what to post about?! I thought of some stuff this morning, but i've forgotten it all now! I have the bad hair day from hell again... i think i need a haircut... i'm so sick of it at this silly length... can't wait til it gets to the length i want it to! (wow... that was super-boring) Hmm... Nathan is keeping his watchful eye on me cos im using his laptop... I'd better not cause any trouble, heh heh.

Oh okay, ive had a thought. Thanks everyone for coming to my llama evening... it was SO awesome to have you all over =) (even if i did have to wash dishes for half an hour the next morning!!) I hope you all liked the movie... its so my favourite movie ever :) But yeah, thanks for coming all you cool dudes =)

Yay more thoughts - i've had a bit of a naff/spack (to pilfer Em's word) week... threw a mild hissy on monday, BUT good things come of most bad... and i've (man this is hard to write with Nathan watching over my shoulder... heh heh... feels like you're writing a diary and someone is reading it. But the weird thing is that thats exactly what a blog is!! an online diary that heaps of people read!
Mwa ha ha... Naths gone for a 'walk' i can now write without feeling like i'm being watched!)
*cough* aaaaanyway; i've had to realise two massive things:
a) that i need time apart from other people, preferably a chunk of 4-5 days, or just having alone time more spread out so i dont need to take 4 days out at once.
b) i'd like to have more gravity - speak less nonsense and work more on speaking what is worthwhile and edifying and thoughtful.

I may revise this later as its rather hard to get deep and meaningful on the 3rd floor of the main library, he he!! Oh for exams to be over and free time aplenty!

Ooh- last thought - over the weekend i went to buy more good study music - eg Baroque - but came away with classical, in the form of Dvorak, Tchaikovsky, Bizet, and Grieg... so totally not study music at all, but still awesome music :)
I now have the Nutcracker Suite, Romeo and Juilet, New World Symphony, two Swan Lake Ballets AND... Peer Gynt, containing 'The Hall of the Mountain King'. Aaaaawesome!! Grieg, like me, is Norweigan... and he wrote cool songs. He must have been a cool dude! (Sense the connection? HEH HEH HEH!!)