Where did the last 6 months go?

I realised that i can't leave my blog with too much of an introspective/searching post... thats not cricket now, is it! Just to clarify, i'm not **leaving** my blog; i'm just moving into Hermil where i don't have 24/7 access to internet at my fingertips. This means i'll be less motivated to walk down to uni and blog in a room full of people.
(ooh - theory time, Nathan! Maybe this factor determines how much each person gets involved in their blog? If you have the internet at home, then you will write more personal posts, and you will write many more posts than those who don't? Hmmm *ponders* ..... )

So i'd like to post a wee sum up(?) about my last post.
Yay! I had a random commenting!! How exciting :):):) Thanks Serene!
When i was reading the comments this verse popped into my head "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties..." (NKJV)
Hmm yea. So i'd like to incorporate all your comments - Ask God to confirm himself, ask Him to refine and test me, and also i will be less anxious and more trusting... I think this calls for spending more time just 'being' with God - not feeling like you have to sing, or talk, or anything - just soaking in his presence (and trusting that it **is** his presence!)
For those of you who were disobedient and didn't do it last time, i really urge you guys to click on this link, click on "listen now" (just under where it says United Live - Everyday) a popup window will appear, then click "heaven", take a moment to calm yourself, and really soak in God's presence :)


In other news... i have no other news...hmm... what can i make up? Anyway I hope you all miss talking to me on Messenger ... i'll only be on every so often when i go home... and hopefully i'll see you at Hermil :)
And don't worry... i'll still be blogging.

Here's a timeline of my blogging over the last 7 months :)
-The very first post
-Missing Ben who i had a 'fling' with, and hadnt seen for 6 months
-a part of my Testimony and what God has done for me
-Bill being sick and me being worried
-Starts of being insane
-In the depths of the insanity pit
-Preach it sister!
-Seeing Ben for the first time in 9 months
-Gutwrenching poetic honesty
-*Sigh* more boys falling for me
-Being upset again, thanks Ben!
-More honesty and Ben
-Posting about the Nathan saga... oooooh!
-Love to all the boys...
(and just to remind you all. I do love you heaps :) All you lovely boys (who haven't been commenting for AAAAGES!! (Matt, Breo, Reuben, Sam, Nato, Fraser, Mike.. you guys rock my socks off to far far away places) And you beautiful sweet girls.... Jess, Kelly, Ruth oh how i love you :] )
-More tough times ... heck! this must be like the longest post EVER!!
-A happy birthday post
-Gracias a mi Padre
-The future
-Rival for the longest post ever?
-My literary genius strikes again
-Thinking about "him" again
-Fears about Bill return
-Bill dies
-Toubles with Josh
-An awesome Poll about which one of us is nuttiest!!
-Brief moment of down-ness again
-Par-tay!
-Another moment of reflection


There you have it :)
I wanted to show the progress, but apparently i'm good at wingeing and ranting about the naff stuff, but not so good at relaying the changes. As such, i feel it is time for an update on all thats happened in the last 6 months, which, from the timeline, you can tell is a lot!

Firstly, on the Ben front.
Ben was a guy i got involved with very quickly in August last year. We ended up kissing passionately in C Block, and outside his house. We talked about Christianity, and i was a terrible example of the "i will kiss you but oh heck no, i can't date you" sort of secular Christianity. Then he told me he wasn't interested in me and we needed to just be friends. I didn't see him for 9 months, then in July he returned to uni. This really tore me up, and i was a bit bitter inside, and even ended up bawling on Paulie's shoulder one day at uni(!). People like Nathan, Paulie, Reuben, Mike and Sam had some awesome insights to give, and this helped me hugely. The part i haven't posted is that over the ensuing 4 months God really worked massively in me, healing, restoring and repairing. Now i can see Ben, smile, perhaps wave and say hi, but have no desire to talk to him; i guess you could say he's now just like someone "i knew in the past". Most importantly, all the pain and regret i felt has melted away.

Nathan issues
Nathan was my cell group this year, and cos he's so lovely, i began to like him A LOT! He could see, though, that we aren't really matched at all, whereas I blinded myself to this. It caused a bit of pain as we had to talk it over. In July (also) i had to decide to let the issue go free, and stop trying to hold on to it. In the times since then, God has done amazing things in my life, restoring my hope, helping me to be stronger in my feelings for people (stronger as in not to just fall for all the lovely boys that come along, but just the ones that are actually compatible), and he has really strengthened the friendship Nate-dogg and I have :)

Life insecurities
This is even MORE evidence of how awesomely God has worked in my life in the past 6 or 7 months... God is such a cool dude :)
I guess there are still posts every now and then about feeling lonely, lost, and insecure, but the frequency has lessened (i feel). With God i am moving from strength to strength, and i am just so so thankful for all He has done in me. I think some of it is actually too personal to post, but man God blows me away. I've had so much naff stuff in my life that i stupidly got involved in, but God has used everything for good. Ack! This is one of those times where i cannot express God's awesomeness, i have to simply stand here in awe and let my spirit intercede in grunts and groans.
Even in these last 3 or 4 weeks i have felt such a massive change on the inside.

Lets have another go at some poetry seeing as i haven't written much lately. I don't only want to be able to write good poetry when i'm crawling on the floor, tears dripping from my chin, achingly desperate for comfort. Aah i am a true writer.

All i can do is stand here in awe
gaze upon your marvellous face
your beauty overwhelms me,
holiness overcomes me
glory brings me to my knees.

Why do you keep on loving me,
Through all of my stumbled walk?
Each time you'd think i learn,
but no, oft it seems that
for every step forward, two back.

You've melted away fear and doubt,
stripped insecurity and pain
Began to rebuild this temple
and one day it will stand
more glorious than before

Your love is so enduring
it puts up with all my crap
now i sit here by your feet
release the last few years
they no longer hold me down

O God how you strengthen my heart
that i would love like you
Test me, try me, and refine me
that i might soar on wings
far above the pits of yesterday

Gracious, merciful, loving, Father
With you, i'm never alone
Your comfort a whisper away
My gratitude often unsaid
will you take this simple prayer?

Thankyou
one word holds more meaning
than a million others i say
Daddy you made me your child
i finally understand.