damn me for being so desirable (har!)
I'm a little bit confused right now, so sorry if this is a little incoherent... i dont like to post without some kind of order to my musings, so i've tried to figure this out into coherent thoughts.
I just got a letter in the post, from a boy I went to highschool with, telling me that he really liked me in highschool, and has missed me heaps, and never had enough courage to ask me out or anything while he was at school, and so he's now writing to me to see if i am interested at all now. And also to mention that a close family friend has died, his grandad has just had to go to hospital with cancer, an aunt has a brain tumor, and their dog has just been put down.
So apparently me turning around and telling him i've always loved him will make life happy again.
yeah. how do i always manage to do this? To get myself into these kinds of messes? My friends and family hassle me so much for all these masses of poor boys that are madly in love with me and yet get shot down ... Yet its a bit more serious than that. Is it something i'm doing wrong? Am i playing with these guys feelings without realising it? Are my signals for 'i dont like you' so similar to my signals for 'i do like you' that people all around the world have been confused by me at some point in time?
I know that on the surface its really amusing, and worth a good heckle or whatever. But slightly underneath im really unsettled about this. Mainly i feel bad, for having to turn these guys down time and time again. And also i feel like a failure for simply trying to be a true friend, and show Jesus' love to people, and they misinterpret it for something else.
I'm not turning these guys down willy nilly, without considering what could turn into something great, its that these boys are generally people i dont have many similarities, or affiliation with, or they are people that i dont like necessarily all that much, but i've felt prompted by God to care for those who others dont seem to care for.
Argh! *scream of frustration* i dont know how to deal with this! i feel like such a munt.
I dont really know why i felt the need to post on this, i dont have all that many decent thoughts on the matter... all i have is this sense of failure and of screwing with peoples minds/hearts, and doing a crap job of being a friend...
but it feels good to write it all down. Instead of storing it all up, it feels like i've let it out to someone. Because i never seem to know how to do that to 'actual' people.
In a cruel twist of fate =P (yeeeeah... 'fate') why is it that the boys that like me are always the ones i dont like, and the ones i like are always the ones that dont like me... ?? Aah just another kick in the guts.. i'll get used to it one day. But today it still hurts.
Why me?
18 Comments:
A couple of words of advice - from someone who has been somewhere similar before.
I think you are correct in thinking that he probably just needs the emotional support, but trying to find that in a relationship is something that NEVER works. Trust me - I've been there.
As for whether there is something wrong with you - that causes boys to fall crazily for you and be shot down, don't beat yourself up about that too much. From the short time I have known you - you seem to be a vivacious, outgoing and genuinely caring person. What guy in their right mind wouldn't fall for you?
Guys bring this upon themselves. Trust me. (You all know it's true). If a guy finds a girl he really really likes, there is a point where he falls for them completely. If this happens before he has announced his intentions - consequences can be disasterous if the feeling isn't mutual. Re - Romeo and Rosaline. (She said she'd rather become a nun! BURN!)
What has happened with this poor boy is that he obviously quite liked you, but was too afraid to say anything. (Ive been there too). Thus has had this stewing for ages under the surface. Another strange thing happens in situations like this - and that his perception of you changes to the point that who he thinks you are is completely different to how you think of yourself - or even how you appear to others.
This is called the "rose tinted glasses effect" - and is a well known and documented scientific principle :)
As for changing who you are, or how you act, I dont know. I am a firm believer in acting true to how you feel, and if you are one of those people who is of a caring nature, then you will have guys attracted to you. I think what is important is not to think it is somehow "your fault" that they are, and take it as a compliment.
The problem here is that you hate hurting their feelings - who doesn't? - But guys really do bring this on themselves. The worst is when they try to guilt-trip you into a relationship - "my (grandma/brother/uncle/aunt/dog) (died/has cancer/separated/was put down)"
If anyone tries that on you - think VERY hard about the motivations behind it. A healthy relationship never works unless both parties are happy in-and-of themselves.
Ill just be echoing (ECHOing echoin..echoi..) what The 1337 master has just said. Guys really do bring it on themselves (ourselves). I can attest to that too! :)
its not your fault for leading them on by the way you act. A sure way to tell if you are doing this, is by thiking when you go out "hmm, I will wear this thing so 'so and so' will notice me/want me." or deliberately being a tease towards them with the intent to tease.
If you arent doing these things then it is just your natural desirable ;) personality! :D
I really dont think that was fair to do that to you (that letter), it may be him subconciously (or worse, consciously) trying to get you to be guilted in to going out with him. If i were a chick, i wouldnt date him! :D (of course, never actually having BEEN a chick, i probably have a totally different outlook.)(which is a GOOD thing, IMHO! :D)
" why is it that the boys that like me are always the ones i dont like, and the ones i like are always the ones that dont like me... ??"
I think that question is pretty much universal unfortunately! :P and we cant cheat on that one by lookin in the back of the book! :(.. chalk it down to irony? :)
Just one quick question, what is a munt?
Well, I can't say I've had much experience being on the recieving end of such affection. Why not be happy that guys seem to take interest in you? Not really something you should take for granted. It's really interesting reading what it's like from a girl's perspective anyway... And at least guys tell you they like you - with girls it seems you never can tell! I mean, how's a guy to know unless the girl says so? It's not like we think or anything... =)
A few words of advice, though... needless to say, don't go out with him. It will be better to not begin a relationship that will never last and probably won't be very enjoyable.
You say you want to show God's love to people, great! And it's fantastic you seem to be getting such positive response (albeit a little undesirable at times). Here's what I'd suggest... As a girl, show God's love to girls, and be very very cautious in dealing with guys. Let Christian guys show Christ to guys instead if you can. Guys usually get the wrong impression no matter how you give them attention. Generally, if a guy notices a girl is giving him attention, he'll think either she likes him, or she wants something. =) If the guys likes the girl, he'll probably err with the former. And sadly but truely, many guys are ruled by their eyes, so sometimes a girl doesn't need to do anything at all...
But perhaps this letter is a chance for you to write back and tell him why you were (presumably) nice to him, i.e. tell him about Christ. That way, you can still show love while ever so gently letting him down. I wouldn't buy his unlikely story of bereavement though - sounds like he's playing with your emotions.
Now Phil, a munt is someone who munts... someone who is also, well... munted. =) Now if something is munted it means it's messed up. So, a munt is someone who is messed up and, as a consequence, messes up. =)
"all i have is this sense of failure and of screwing with peoples minds/hearts, and doing a crap job of being a friend... "
What the? You're a great friend!
And to the best of my knowledge you haven't screwed with my mind, if anything with me its the other way... :D
Here's my take on it:
An Israeli psychologist discovered something that you may be interested in. He called it the avaliablity heuristic. Basically (look up wikipedia if you want more) people think that the things that are more memorable are more common.
Guys asking you out is pretty memorable, so chances are, you'll remember every single time you turn a guy down. But chances are you forget all the other times where you've been a great friend.
So add to this what people have already mentioned - A guy falling in love is not your fault. Perhaps you set the occasion for their falling in love, but you did not cause it. What would you do otherwise? Never wear make-up? Go muslim style? Tone down your personality and become someone you aren't? Become less marriagable? All these options aren't going to work.
Remember - you only need to find the right guy once. Its like rolling and rerolling a dice - eventually your number will come up.
But its not like dice in that God is in control.
Finally, your question 'why me?' should really be 'why?' because you aren't alone in your plight.
oh man.. you guys are amazing. You blow me away every time with your awesome insights, caring, kindness, and great advice... huge huge ups to you all =)
I feel heaps better about this all now...
Mike - heh heh... i am like Rosaline tenfold *grin* like a compulsive burner... This guy definately has the rose-tinted glasses thing happening, maybe i WAS nicer to him than everyone else at our school, but i wasnt THAT nice!! Thanks heaps for your comments *hug*
Sambo- At least i know that with this guy i never led him on.. im happy to be able to say that, he was just one of those sorta nerdy guys that doesnt have many friends, and i was a mate, but not a decent friend... so yay for not leading him on or flirting or anything =) I'm glad that you also know what it feels like to like someone when they dont like you, and vice versa *yay i am not alone* *snaps* (heh.. i still dont know what that means, but i guess its good *grin*)
Oh and 'munt' came from 'munter' its like something thats screwed up or like you call someone a munt if they're being a dork/dick/silly.. yeah, Reuben explained it anyway
Reuben - you get mega brownie points for the A) telling me not to go out with him ( i feel like a ho for saying this, but i would never even consider it... you know.. he was just someone i was nice to, and liked enough to muck round with in my lunchhours.. wait. that sounds wrong... i mean we played frisbee) and B) for playing the 'tell him about Christ' card. I was SO going to do that!! like tell him that he probably remembers me as really nice becuase i try hard, with Christ as my example, and he sounds like he's missing something in his life, perhaps he should get involved in a church up where he lives.
Nato - perhaps i should become a muslim, lol... no makeup, a veil/burka, be demure, and dont make eyecontact with males, dont go out in public unless a male escort is with you - eg a relative. (on a side track.. me and Ruth are going to find male escorts to take us to the CU Ball) (but not THAT sort of male escorts) Heh - become less marriageable? Does that mean i'm actually marriageable in the first place?? Yay! You get brownie points too!
so yus... man you guys are the DON(s) well more like THE MIKE, THE REUBEN, THE SAM, THE NATHAN... yeah. Thanks for being there, and putting it in perspective... thank you =o)
of course you're marriagable!
As evidence, why else would all these guys ask you out?
you'd make a great wife for someone. lets see, you're not ugly, got a lot of energy, want kids, have a relationship with God... (in no particular order)
to cover my back I mumble something about specific marriagabilitiy... mumble... some aren't designed for some.. mumble... squirremb.. pentecostal, non-pent..umble.. mumble... sleep... big bunny ... mumble... zzzz
And to distract you from Nato, to save him, I butt in and take your attention while he can make a quick getaway/recovery!
Yay! :) lol... I have walked with Giants! (all the THEs sound very official)
Oh, and the snaps thing apparently comes from Legally Blonde 2, where they would do finger clicks (snaps) whenever a parlimentarian did something good, or as a cheer up thing! :) it kinda took over our Small group! :P Not that Ive SEEN legally Blonde 2, heaven forbid!
And dont worry, Id say you would definately be marriagable...COUGH COUGH.. WOW EVERYONE! LOOK OVER THERE! AN OBVIOUS DISTRACTION! *runs*
At the risk of repeating what the other THEs have said - I will stand by what I said before - what guy in their right mind wouldn't fall for you? *coughcoughmumblemuttermuttergrunt*
You've been an awesome support for me even though we havent known each other that long - so yeah, I'd agree with THE NATHAN when I say that you aren't doing anything wrong when it comes to friendship.
I think that it is unfair of that guy to try and guilt you into some sort of relationship - its kind of underhanded. What am I saying? It IS underhanded. Don't beat yourself up about it.
Anyways - I have to go and try to rescusitate mannequins :)
"Breathe dammit! Youre not gonna die on me here!"
"Umm sir - its just a mannequin - it's not really alive"
"No! I won't accept it! I'm not giving up on him!"
*rolls eyes and sighs resignedly* :D
Marriageability-schmarriageability! Oh baby girl, you must be worth at least 30 camels, oh-yeah! Mate, I'd marry you if... no wait, but aren't these boys funny! (-ier than usual).
Big ups to you for having the guts to go & air this type of thing for everyone to see, though. I don't know you all that terribly well I guess, but I still agree with the others, I doubt very much that you are a flirt-whore, it's just that you're too dang spunky! I went through a phase in highschool were I avoided guys for over 6 months, because I was just sick of the headache of 'she-cares-about-me-so-she-must-be-into-me' & the subsequent spading it up or runnning away. That probably isn't a good idea. I don't have a solution though, but give yourself a hug, be you & let them down easy, heart-breaker. Total respect though for getting everyone's advice on this, much to my shame I have been a victim of a variant on the guilt-trip ('If you were really my friend you'd trust me...'-gah!). It's so good you're gutsy enough to not go that path, but um, a word of advice, if he does turn out to be deliberately blackmailing you, don't be too nice... I mean, be polite but shaft like mad! It's great to want to help & to flick in a little Jesus, but sometimes its better left to someone else...
*blush* you guys make me grin! you're all so awesome, ladies included this time =)
Oh hey Jess... "you're beautiful to boot" Does that mean it feels good to kick me? Heh heh *wink*
Kelly... wow... a whole 30 Camels? Well you remind me of a squirrel! (ultimate compliment *grin)
Mike - i was going to have some bonding time with you last night, but i'm taking Reuben's advice, and leaving most of that to the men-folk... but i figure we all bonded through the silliness =) which is just as healing!
Sam and Nato... heh heh.. you guys do some awesome mumbling *bear hugs*
And yeah.. thanks guys for being there for this... its always an area i've found hard to understand, cos i wouldnt marry me if i was a guy (well more of a guy than i am now)... whiny insane ranter *grin* But you all mean a lot to me, and your commenting does too... *sniff* heh heh... I wuv you !!
uh, even if you were a guy, you wouldn't be allowed to marry yourself. You'd have to get yourself cloned and even then you'd still need a civil union.
hehe...
silly me..
well i didnt mean if i was a guy like me... i just meant if i was a boy... not like me... but if i (as a girl) was still alive, and i could meet me...
argh. its confusing really... not easily explainable! and not very sensical i guess... (how predictable *grin*)
Wow! thats exactly right, Fraser!! Except i'm not sure that i would want to marry Miguel indefinately, but if he's a boy, he's about 21 or 22, he's brunette (cos dark hair is king-pin) and likes tickling, that automatically means i will fall in love with him... *pokes out tongue* In fact, Miguel probably just needs to be a boy for me to fall hopelessy for him, lol...
Hmm... maybe i could change this, and make Miguel my alter-ego!! That would be where i could vent all my manliness... and then i'll have a real excuse to hug the ladies!! heh heh...
The problem is that if Michelle liked Mugeul, then it would follow that Migeul liked Michelle, because we mustn't forget that Migeul is Michelle, so if Michelle likes Migeul, it follows that Michelle likes herself, and thus Migeul likes Michelle (and himself).
So, it wouldn't suprise me if Migeul and Michelle had a mutually respecting relationship, but they never took it very far, because falling in love is quite narcisitic, and I don't think Michelle (or Migeul) is that type of person.
heh heh lol yes Fraser... so unfortunately i wont be getting married to Miguel in the near future (or at all *grin*)
I like the way Nato spells Miguel...
Apparently what he's trying to say is that im not the sort of person to fall in love with myself... but Miguel isnt me. Hes just any old boy, just so happens i can read his mind (or something)... this is getting way too confusing, lol!!
Falling in love with oneself would be narcisistic.
Swoop! It is I, the only REAL Miguel here!
Are you Miguel? You are not Miguel.
I am ze REAL Miguel!
¿Cachai?
No seas mio mi amigo.
Pele el ojo qué bábaro!
Who are you to steal someones name!?
And I am one who knows your true identity!
I shall not rest until you have been brought to justice and revealed for the impostor that you are!
Watch yourself mi compañero - one does not steal the name of Miguel Paulo deRonaro and live to tell about it!
Wow... Miguels everywhere!! Usteden son fantastico! I love you all!! hee hee!!
Post a Comment
<< Home