pieces of me
he he... here i am posting for the third time in a day!! wait til all the work starts!! Ages ago i posted about Ghosts... which is kinda what i want to talk about now.
Lately, I've been wondering if certain parts of yourself will forever stay attached to other people... if there are little bits of yourself that once you give away, you can never get back...
Previously, i thought this theory only applied to guys, but now i think it applies to girls as well....
For example Joy. Joy is back in America now. I miss her a lot, she is such an amazing person, and i really really love and cherish her. I believe that I have given a little piece of my heart to Joy, through loving her. And according to my theory i cannot ever get that little piece back.
In saying this, however, i guess the heart could be seen as Eternal. There's no point when you've given out so much heart that there will be none left, lol. I think God calls us to love others with reckless abandon, which i heard a ripper of a sermon on once - dont ever be afraid of loving other people. Love with abandon, because if you ever get hurt, God will be there to heal the wounds, and if you dont, you've just gained friendship, or return of love back out of it. Awesome.
But.... i do believe now that a little piece of me will forever be joined to Joy, and will always hurt when i think of how i miss her, or how i want to laugh with her, or how i want her to hug me.... and i think thats okay. I dont think that is something that needs to be healed, it feels good to love something so much you actually miss it.
And again, another example is Ben. Who is the reference to my old post about Ghosts. I saw Ben today... its actually quite hard to type this. Its been over 9 months. And i didnt say hi. I pretended i hadnt seen him, and i dont know if he saw me. I believe that a little piece of me is forever given to Ben, and that i will always feel a pang when i think of him, and what could have been, and what was lost, and what shouldnt have been. And i think a little part of me will always miss him, and long to see him, and wishes that maybe... if we could just be friends again... that little piece that i gave away would not hurt anymore. I used to think that this piece that was given away was unhealthy, but when i compare it to giving a piece of myself to Joy, i no longer know why Joy seems healthy and Ben seems unhealthy. I guess its because Joy and Me had a pure friendship in Christ, whereas Ben and i disagreed over Christianity, and the way we conducted our relationship was in a way that meant it had to be hidden, rather than in a godly way, able to be shared in the open.
Either way, i still think both models fit my theory. In that there are some people that come into your life that are like a kindred spirit, and they just touch you, and you know that you will forever be changed by meeting them. Whether they have had a positive effect on you, like Joy urging me to be more caring and welcoming, or negative like Ben, spurring me to get committed about Christianity and dating, they have still had an effect, and that little piece of your heart that you gave them, will forever remind you.
everywhere i go, i look, try to catch a glimpse of you
ghosts linger in my mind, my memory playing tricks
i think i see you, from the corner of my eye, but was it really you?
Each path i take, i look to left and right, to see if you tread it
my head whips as each person passes, where did you go, will i see you again?
my heart hurts.
6 Comments:
I totally know what you're saying. There are people (mainly girls I think, but some guys as well) who, even though we may never have anything to do with each other anymore, will always be just a little bit special to me… or, like, we'll talk after several years' silence, and it's like we never went away or whatever.
I think it's like we have walls (not necessarily bad ones) which distinguish the “me” from the “you,” and when you're intimate with someone (in whatever way—healthy or unhealthy) those walls are weakened, and can never be completely rebuilt.
Anyway, however you explain it, it is kinda scary just how easy it is to give someone so much power over a part of you, and just how deep these “links” can go. I've been fortunate to only manage to be like that with really good people, and I'm still friends with most of them, but it's still crazy just how easy it would be to go back to the old intimacy, even when it would be a Bad Idea™.
In terms of leaving pieces of you around, my scientific mind doesn't like the dependence on the analogy of leaving a piece of part of you. I'm just thinking the idea leaving pieces of you doesn't really describe what goes on. Heh. I want to find a way to describe it in terms of neurons.
Besides, I don't like to think of cutting myself up and giving it to people. Its more like growing towards people. Its like co-dependence. Growing together to become complimentary. I'm not good at describing, so I shouldn't criticise.
You do pretty well at describing it all though. Ignore me in my search for the perfect model :)
think about when you glue two objects together, and you rip them apart. There is always going to be some of each object on the other... forever stuck to the other object, forever torn from its original place.
I'm not talking here about people you continue to see, but people who abruptly leave your life after being really close to you... so i like your idea about co-dependence, but the bit i'm looking at is the afterwards... the part where the codependency has stopped and the aftermath is left, strewn around =)
Hey Michelle! :) time for the Aussie to represent! ^_^
I would say, that on this topic, i know the feeling, but dont think that the 'pieces' thing necessarily applies.
To say that you lose a piece each time, would imply that sometime in the future you will lose the last piece.
I think that instead of giving away pieces of you, its more like giving away pieces of your time. of your life, not your self, which belongs to God.
I look at it more this way:
You can be shattered, but God is there to pick up the pieces and remake you stronger and wiser.
Nice poem. Nice post. You're becoming an epic writer =) I wrote a song for a friend once called 'Piece of My Heart' down exactly the same lines. I think to a large extent the pieces of our heart we give are just like gifts - little packages from us to others. Other people can put them away in the basement or cupboard and forget, or can treasure them forever. Either way, we don't get them back.
The way personality and character rubs off on people we hang out with is, I think, just the way can work with us and God. The more time we spend with Him, the more we become like Him - in just the same way as we become like our friends. We quite literally get more and more of His Spirit. Of course, when the Holy Spirit lives in us, He is kind of like a whole seperate person - kinda wierd and hard to explain. =)
I still think we can recover, partially becuase I can look back at some things in the past, and I see how different I am now, and how different the other person is, and there is no part of me given to them anymore. Admittedly I don't have a history of giving much...
On the other hand, its actually kinda good that lifes like this. Missing someone is good, because it makes us realize how cool they are, and how dependant we are on others.
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