revelation is great!

Yay! i have managed to reduce my big list of things to do today to only 4 things that really need/want doing. I have also done some of the 15 things that were on my original list - which was to send 3 important emails to people, and 1 important text. I also needed to download 3 lots of notes i've missed this week (not through scoping, through being sick =P ) but all of them aren't loaded yet. So the good thing is that I'm now left with 4 main things to do... (even though when i look at my original list it seems that i've accomplished squat all) (thats the beauty with prioritising, the stuff that doesnt really need to be done just sits around for weeks, and i'll probably never get around to it *grin*)

The 4 things that i now need to do are French work, Pols readings, Post on my blog, and Make sure i ask my youth pastor tonight about the Tongues debate, so that i can post about it tomorrow *grin*
So really thats only 3 things that need doing RIGHT NOW... which makes me feel even better about it! Plus i am sitting here eating cheese and crackers, and who can feel busy when you've got (fancy)cheese and crackers? And a knife.... (heh heh - i thought i'd just put that one in there to make you all have a mare) (just to yoink Adam's saying) (ARGH! Another Timaru boy! ANOTHER I SAY!)

So lets get rid of another thing on my 'to do' list and post on my blog! tee hee hee! Aren't i clever =P

Man it feels good to be sitting here in my trackies, woolly bed-socks, polyprop and nice warm (acrylic unfortunately) jersey. My hair, which was a 'Im not going to see the public' job, actually looks rather nice! And i've even got the basics of concealer and eyeliner on. Wow. Good day!

One thing i've realised about this sickness - which is maybe one reason its gone on so long - is that i've got 'more time' to spend with God. ('more time' because i always have the same 24 hours of time, it just depends how i spend it) When Nathan first began posting about the gifts of the spirit, i began thinking about healing. And how i'm not sure whether or not i have total faith in it. And i commented on his post about how i was at church on Sunday and they called everyone up the front who was sick, to pray for healing. They quoted Luke 10v19
'Listen! I have given you authority, so that you can walk on snakes and scorpions and overcome all the power of the Enemy, and nothing will hurt you'.
And i sat in church and thought "hmm... does God heal because we ask him to? or because it has a purpose?" So i didnt go up to get prayed for cos I thought that maybe this sickness was here to teach me something. Then on Monday night, when i felt like utter crap... i cried pathetically all the way home in the car and asked God why i was so sick, and if there wasnt a purpose in all this, to take the sickness away, but if there was, to reveal it to me. So finally, this morning I think 'i've realised' (God has revealed perhaps) that there is SOME purpose to this...

I've decided that i no longer care (before i only half-arsedly cared) what people think who read my blog. While Nato's is intended to talk about God, mine was intended to be a form of release, like a diary that i will actually write in (because i am a geek and im actually enthusiastic about typing an online diary, rather than writing in a flowery notebook or something). And before all my awesome friends started getting blogs, i began to be honest about stuff that i wanted to talk about. And i do love you guys all heaps, and i do still love you reading my blog, and commenting on it, from now on i am going to write to please me, not the masses. I realise that sounds a little selfish, he he, but what i mean is that i'm mainly not gonna write as if i have an audience, but as if i'm writing to an unknown. I guess im not gonna do that all the time, cos i will still want to write posts that are directly directed to people (hee hee) but i'm going to endeavour to go back to my 'posting to take a load off my heart'. yup.

So i believe that with this sickness, i've had a lot of time at home, missed about 3 days of uni, and all this has given me more time, like i said before, to spend with God. Which i need, because i've been struggling with doing that. Firstly this morning, i felt God saying that i need to not get involved in the 'trying to figure God out' discussions *grin* like Nathans and Reubens posts. For me, i know its cool to have these theories about stuff, but sometimes if you tell a child something before they're actually ready to hear it, you can confuse them and change correct thoughts that they may have had to incorrect ones. I thought i was cool with reading the big theories, but in a little way they've actually disrupted my good thought processes. I was thinking this morning, about my friend's cousin, who recently had an accident, i think he got crushed by a horse or something, and is in intensive care, they are hoping that he will be fully recovered after about a year. So i wanted to pray for him. But then i started unproductively thinking "what if this violates my free will and God doesnt actually step in and act when we pray? So does that mean my prayers are useless?" And then it went down a whole other track about if we pray for healing, can/does God actually act, or if we pray to be calm, is this another violation of our choice and free will? Or does God actually intervene in our lives?

So i realised that this was just creating havoc... and it would be better if i just said "the bible tells me to pray. So i will faithfully pray. And I will believe that my prayers are heard and acted on".

Nathan and i were having a big discussion yesterday about blind faith, and if there is any good reason to follow blindly, or if you should always have proof. (eg. i believe there is always an element of faith in believing in God - like you can't PROVE he exists, but Nato thinks you CAN prove it, and you should never follow stuff blindly) So perhaps for me, it is better to just blindly believe in the power of prayer, instead of trying to figure out these theories that blow a gasket in my mind, lol!! And i honestly believe God was saying something to me about that too. Don't give the baby chocolate before its had mashed peas.

Another cool breakthrough i had with God, is i want to be less unstable. And i've finally realised that i actually am still a little like a pendulum, where i have great days, then i have days where i feel like i've been trodden on by a hippo, and days where i feel i have cried enough tears to fill an ocean. (he he, i tried to be smart and put something else instead of ocean, but 'isthmus' and 'atol', the only words that came to mind, were referring to land, not water!!). So i finally have acknowledged that, rather than trying to pretend everythings sweet as all the time, and i really want to be changed. I have a few negative thought processes, that i wont explain, cos it just makes me seem pedantic and weird, but i need to work on those.

Mainly i know i need to be more trusting and open with my women friends, and more controlled when it comes to my manfriends. Also, i realise that i have to stop over-analysing stuff and getting upset over very little things, and mulling everything over so much !!

Sometimes i think the hardest step to recovery is actually realising that you have a problem, and admitting that you need to change it. =)

So i'll stop trying to pretend that i'm superman (argh! more man analogies! when will they stop, lol) and acknowledge that i'm not perfect after all... and i'm still going through some of the tough stuff!! (as you could probably tell from the last wee section of posts, lol...)

But the funny part is that once i acknowledge that i'm having some problems with my banality and i need to work on stuff, i feel great. Today i dont feel like it could ever be dark and bleak and horrible ever again, but the irony is thats part of the problem. That there may be days where its all sweet as, but i've got to stop acting so surprised when the tough days come, cos they are bound to come. And if i'm better prepared for them, then they won't be such an ordeal =)

Yay for moving on!

(that takes more things off my 'to do' list... so i'm almost there... all i REALLY have to do is the Pols and French work.... please mum, just one more post?!! hee hee)