me when i am real

Erm............ i just wanted to say......... that i've noticed a lot of my bloggy rantings make me seem like a disturbed induhvidual..... but lemme speak in my defence.
Yeah i battled through depression from age 13 to 16, and tried to kill myself late 2000,
Yeah, i battled with sex addiction, with pornography, and my sexuality
Yeah, i had a hard time for a wee while last year, and tried it out with a guy who was against what i stand for

But in between all the bad, God's always been at work in my life. I've grown up in a christian family, and have always believed in God, and my saviour Jesus. The first proper time i gave my life to him was when i was 5 or 6 years old. And the time i recommitted seriously was Christmas 1999. But through that time i was still learning about God. I always hung on. Sometimes i was right in the boat, as the storm raged, other times i was in the water, gripping on with slipping fingers... but i never left the boat. My sixth form year was good prayer-wise. All through the day i prayed... and i was baptised, and was really 'on fire'. I've taught sunday school, youth group, been to easter camps, and youth leadership training conferences, done alpha, been baptised in the holy spirit. And when i look back now... the bad times were only a small fraction... what God was doing in my life all along was amazing. It blows my mind. The evidence of his hand in my life, building me up from a young age, equipping me, strengthening me, giving me gifts of compassion, grace, love, and acceptance...
By the time i got to university i still didn't have a clear dream for my life. Everyone else had a purpose and a destiny.. but i didn't. I didn't want to go to university, but i went anyway, intending to be a translator; majoring in french.... I had no passions, no dreams.... And somewhere in the middle of my meandering along, God was weaving his path, his plan, his purpose.
Now, the dream is as clear as a bell. I cannot spend a day without thinking about it. My degree is now aiming for political science, and development issues. I want to work with the third world. Whether its implementing a community development programme with World Vision, or working in an orphanage with SIM... the dream is there.
A lot of the things that happened in my life the people around me didn't even know about, didn't notice, i kept it all inside. Now i have to talk about it. Share what God has done.
My faith is stronger than ever before. My relationship is deeper. My dream has been revealed. My personality and character are developed. What i have been through was not bad luck or just life. It was a trial, a test to strengthen me, to prepare me for what lies ahead. They didn't last for long in relation to my life so far, but they were big issues. I've spent far more time happy than sad, strong than weak. But its through my weakness that my strength has developed...

If you're reading this, i'd love for you to hunt down some of my favourite songs, and soak in the message they give you
-Fathers child - detour 180
-God, you're amazing - satellite
-love me more, Africa - paul colman trio
-Free, To the Ends of the Earth, take all of me - Hillsong United
-if i - strange celebrity
-you are holy – planet shakers
-Beautiful – the Kry
-Holy - Nichole Nordeman
-i need you - jars of clay
-Consume Me - dcTalk
-Heaven – Reuben Morgan (Hillsong)
-Refine Me, Breathe on Me, Say wont you say – Jennifer Knapp (jen is great for making you realise that you’re stumbling and sinful, but also for making you realise that we are only saved by the amazing grace and love of God!!)