aah... a good healthy dose of reflection

Ooookay! Right... well you guys have inspired me to be totally honest, and explain everything that happened with Ben last year. Hopefully this will make the whole issue make a whole lot more sense... Dont worry too much about commenting if you dont feel led, you've already just commented on the last issue, so its okay, dont feel like you have to think twice in two posts. *grin*
Im going to try and write this without too much boring/excessive detail, but without missing out bits that are important. .... i guess i can always come back later and prune it... which, by the way Mike, is an awesome analogy... i never thought about it like that before! I like! I'm glad that i was pruned, because it really changed my attitudes and made me be way more careful with myself, and less trusting, which was good.

Okay.. so I met Ben early last year, i was studying with Max, a hot french canadian boy, who had been in my spanish class, but because i am a boy-magnet even after we dropped Spanish we still hung out. Anyway, ((getting distracted thinking about Estie getting the Hermil award for most likely to marry a Foreign Hot, lol..)) Max's friend Ben came up and told us about how he'd just cut his finger on the grater, then left. I didnt see him again for about 3 months when i talked to him for about an hour. The next day i was studying up on the third floor, and he came along and we studied together. Now if you think im a flirt, he was like 10times better...so we just goofed around for about 3 hours, while trying to study, then i had a class, so he walked me to it, and we hugged goodbye. And 2 hours later he had a class, so i walked him to that, and he kissed me. Er like proper french kiss i guess. I guess you guys dont really care too much, except for me meaning that it was pretty full on, for a first kiss!

--i have to stop the story here and just say that I am not that girl. I have never been that girl. And never thought i would do something like that. I dont know what happened... perhaps i just got caught up in the fantasy of having something that everyone else had always had, and lost my head.
(he he.. that reminds me of The Lion, The Witch, And the Wardrobe when the White Witch is talking to a table of squirrels and stuff who are having a party, and she asks them if they have seen father Christmas, and tells them that if they say they haven't she will let them go...
'At that moment, one of the young squirrels lost its head completely.
"he has- he has- he has!" it squeaked, banging its spoon on the table.'
And instantly the witch turns them into stone.

I think this links in perfectly to Pauls comment, about how this was something that represented feeling loved and feeling like part of something special, even when it wasnt really the person himself who was so special. --

So, this is where time gets a bit warped in my mind, but i think it was a few days later when we had a talk about how a relationship wouldnt work anyway, because we were on two totally different levels, and at the end of it, he walked me to my car about 7 or 8pm, when it was all nice and dark and cool, and we ended up staying there for over an hour, just talking and hugging and stuff, which was kinda weird considering we'd just talked about how we werent "going anywhere" as a couple.
The next tuesday/wednesday? (dammit! i dont know *Grin* time has beaten me!) it was my birthday and the next day i went round to his house to say hi. Dont ask me why. I was stupid. Caught up in something that i knew was wrong, yet somehow tricked myself into thinking it was okay. And we kissed again, but i basically knew that that was the end of it all.

So... i guess what i've learnt/observed is that Ben is a great guy. He's heaps of what i want in a guy, and we really connected. He even likes squirrels... i mean if that isnt telling me he's THE ONE then nothing is *snort*. Throughout the whole thing i kept remembering this verse "whoever thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall".. which really nailed me one... as i never thought I would be the one to go first, lol. And as i said before, i fell hard (without the 'ly' *grin*) as i had always had these boundaries and guidelines for what i would and wouldnt do, and i remember how when i stood out at my car snuggling up to Ben, i thought "what would Jesus think if he walked along" and thinking in reply "oh he wouldnt mind. I've told Ben that im a Christian so we wont be having a relationship" (as if that makes it okay.)
As a result, i have really re-evaluated my boundaries, and for instance, im way more careful about being alone with guys, and cos im a touchy feely person i massively just stopped that, (which has been kinda hard to get back into... even hugging girls has been hard now that i just stopped most psyical contact for ages). Some people think the new boundaries i've set are kinda extreme, but i know that its better to be safe than to be left feeling like you've let yourself, other Christians, and God down afterwards.

Im happy, too, that i wasnt upset for long yesterday. I didnt do too much hurting before i just gave it all over to God and talked about the reasons behind the hurt, rather than wallowing (like a hippo) in the hurt.

So thanks to all you guys for supporting me through this, and i really feel like your insights have totally caught the essence of how i feel.
Sam first (argh, i always start to type 'Phil' then have to delete it *grin*): Ben does represent a massive change in my life, and the beginning of the end of my secular Christianity. And even if sometimes i wish this had never happened, it really helped make me who i am today, which im thankful for! (Postage isnt that much... Mike's posting himself, lol.. and, i jest, i told Mike that if you're a foreign hot he can bring you back here =P ) (oh and i love Rat Race!!)
Mike: i really do like your talk of pruning! I am glad that that part of my life, where i thought i was strong, yet wasnt really, had to come to an end, even if it did hurt like hell at the time, and on and off even a year later.
Fraser: thanks for your big word "self-recrimination" ... its really true, and i dont think i had really considered that aspect before - that perhaps when i see Ben i dont feel pain because its him, but because of how i behaved when he came along.
(and dont worry, not ever having the opportunity to be burninated is good... relish it *grin*)
Paul-ster: you were so right-on, dude... and i think its interesting that i didnt come up with that explanation myself. Kinda embarassing really, for me who likes to talk about some stuff but not about other stuff, it brings up the whole issue of "yeah, i am looking for that package". He he.. this is hard for me to admit, as i like to think im not looking for a man, but i guess if im honest i truly am. And i think you're right in suggesting that perhaps Ben represents that package, so i guess it is always going to be hard when i see Ben (and Nathan) as it will remind me more of how real the sense of not finding the right package is!

Hee hee... and that leads me right on to the next things i want to post about... so stay tuned! Same squirrel time, same squirrel channel!