oh crap, not again!
I'm not sure whether i should post when im confused and unsure, but im going to anyway, i can always come back and fix it up later... or delete it to get rid of any incriminating evidence.
Heh... i wore a polyprop today, breaking my no-polyprop rule... and got insanely hot, especially in the library, and had to go get my gym t-shirt out of the car. But when i put it on i realised it was dirty. Obviously. Covered with grease or something. Not from the gym. As i havent been there for a looong time. Heh... the physio asked me today what i do for exercise. *blush* I have good intentions. No wait, i lie - i dont! *grin* i never intend to go to the gym, in fact, i try and avoid it at all costs! Although when i do end up going i really like it, its just the whole "get to the gym, go into the open, cold changing rooms, get changed into your shorts and t-shirt, go into the weights room with hot muscly guys, do your 20 reps, go to the cardio room with all the hot svelte chicks, nearly cark it when your machine decides to speed up on you, go have a shower, get changed, go back to uni, try and do work" process. As you can tell, im procrastinating from posting on what i really wanted to post about. In fact i dont want to post about it at all. I want to run away and hide under my bed. With my blanky. And never come out until its all happy again.
I feel really stupid about this, getting all upset and uncomfortable and hurt by something thats not really an issue at all, or at least it shouldn't be. I just dont understand how one person can really affect me that much. Its not like i loved him. But i let myself get more involved and more attached than i have ever done before, in such a short space of time. The other day i realised that next week is more or less when it all started last year. It was just before my birthday, so at least i can remember the month *grin*. I dont understand why its so hard for me to sit here and watch him sit there, at his desk, with another girl perched beside him, staring into his eyes and running her hands through his hair. I dont know whether its him, himself, that affects me so much, or just what he meant in my life. (and by that i mean, someone who came along and just totally shook me in a way that i've never experienced before. I dont understand why i got so attached. He is the one and only guy i have ever kissed, but im not wishing after him anymore. I'm just affected by this because it was such a big change in my life) Im not hung up about him anymore, i dont feel anything for him, i dont long for him, i dont wish 'what if' really, i just dont know why he affected me so much, and why i am still hurt by it now. How just catching a glimpse of him can send a stab of pain through me.
To him its probably nothing, just another girl, just another day. And like Mike I was the one who was left crawling on the floor after it all, while the other person walks away unscathed.
I know it sounds like im still upset about this - but what i mean is that i'm not upset about HIM... im not in love with him, or even want to be. Its just that i hurt when i think of the hurt, or something incredibly unprofound like that. I dont know. maybe you understand what i mean, i dont know. All i do know is that i have to think twice about everything - when i see him do i walk past and ignore him, or do i pretend im ok and say hi? When i see him cuddling up to his new girlfriend do i still wave and say hi, or do i avert my eyes. Does he see that im so affected by it all? Does he care? (not that i really care what he thinks about it all anyway *grin*, but sometimes i wonder what it meant to him) (im not worried about that though, im just wondering why does it still gut me to see him?)
i guess one of the reasons its so hard to see him is that i never really thought i would. Weeks ago when i posted about missing him, and wishing i could see him, i didnt anticipate this. I was sure that i had moved on, and i still am sure, but to see someone who represents something in your life you wish had never happened still really impacts on you. Perhaps its fear. What if my friends that never knew about it suddenly find out? What if people think differently about me for acting like a tart?
argh! I DONT KNOW. and i dont like not-knowing. how can i be strong when just seeing someone makes me weak? Why do i still cry a year afterwards? it doesnt make sense.
what i know for sure, is that I Dont Miss Ben. I Dont Want Ben. I Dont Love Ben. But... he has affected my life in ways he'll never know, and because of this, it hurts to see him. He reminds me of things in my life that i am ashamed of and have moved on from. So i guess this is always going to hurt, but it is good, i guess. I have learned valuable lessons from my very short, basically 2 week long fling with him, and those lessons are vital in shaping who i am today (thanks Sam =] ).
I guess it will always be bittersweet to see him, but as long as i remind myself of the lessons i have learnt from this, instead of focussing on the hurt and wistfulness, then life can go on *grin* as it always does!
8 Comments:
***HUG***
MEGA HUG ATTACK!
aw, Chelle! that sucks, and i understand what youre trying to verbalise.
He is always going to be special to you because of what you shared, be it this year, last year or twenty years ago.
Seeing him with someone else will be hard because of that specialness you shared. But although its going to be hard, we have to learn to put the past behind us! (as Timon and Pumbaa say!) What has gone has gone, and makes a great memory, but if we live in the past, we can hurt ourselves.
I think that you may be affected so much because the time you spent with him helped make who you are today. he is a link in the production line that makes the whole 'Michelle bundle' (and thats a very cool package! but shipping from NZ is a killer! :D). But that doesnt mean he is the ONLY thing that helped to shape you.
Since this time youve met other people, and had experiences that have also helped mould you. And now here you are, a year on, with heaps of experience under your belt, looking back at the past. I reckon that you're going to feel this twinge of old history catching up with you.
Instead of thinking of the hurt - and thereby being trapped in it - think of the wonderful experiences you have had since, and although you valued the time you spent with him, realise that he is yet another step down the road of your life, as you grow to be a more complete person :)
I dont know, maybe im rambling, but thats how i see it atm! :) oh, and by the way, i SO understand the gym thing.. i mean, i enjoy it (in a sadistic kind of way) when im there, and working at it, but its the effort of having to drive change and psyche yourself up for it first! man, anticipation is a killer! :)
Hey, i know whatll cheer you up! A warm cup of Milo, a bag of Tim Tams (double Choc or chewy caramel) and a video of one of the Following: Rat Race, Monty Python, Dude Wheres my Car or Kung Pow!
^_^
If Squirrels Gave Hugs, Id give you a great big Squirrelly hug right now.. but not knowing much about the socialisation tendencies of Squirrels, I can but give you a normal bear hug! ***HUG***
*** ANOTHER HUG *** - Just for good measure :)
You're onto it Sam, though isn't it funny how easily we can give others this advice, but completely fail to apply it when it is us that is hurting?
Relationships are tricky. By allowing yourself to become that close to someone, you are implicitly drawing them close enough to you to hurt you - a lot. I think a part of what love is is the fact that they don't.
I don't know the ins and outs of where you've been Michelle, but it is sounding hauntingly familiar.... Guys can hurt too :)
On the other hand - when I think about what happened in my life as a result of my relationship crisis, I think I am stronger (and a little wiser) from it. As well as that, I'm not sure if I would have gotten to know you guys as well as I have :) So some good did come out of it.
God can use all of the events that happen in our lives - be they happy or painful - to help us grow. Sometimes when we grow, we need to be pruned as well. It hurts at the time, and you'll always carry the scar - but the gardener knows its for your own good - even if you can't see it at the time. And as a result - you become even healthier and more fruitful.
It hurts - I completely understand where you are coming from. Just know that we're all here for each other. That's what friends are for :)
*** GIGANTIC SQUIRREL HUG ***
Hehe........ Fuzzy :)
aw thanks.. like i always have to say, you guys are awesome...
Sam... your comments are fantastico, and most of them are really really true, except that Ben and i didnt really share anything that special, and i dont value the time i spent with him. Its really hard to explain, i never really felt that much for him... i was kindof playing round. But i can see just how much that comes round and bites you. Very very hard to explain on the internet... needs all the hand motions and funny faces really... but hopefully you know what i mean? its so so hard to explain.
okay, you've inspired me to post on it... i will post the whole story, and maybe you guys can help me make sense of what happened!!
But you are so right on with your Michelle-bundle idea. I wouldnt be anywhere near as mature and grounded as i am today if that hadnt happened. (i hear the sniggers... i can be mature when i want to be!)
Yeah.. you're right though, what would be nice is to sit down and have fun... forget all about it =) Sometimes what i want to do it get together with someone and have a right good cry/rant about it all... but i know i'll never do that. I'm not good with opening up to people about things that really affect me.
Bittersweet...
thats SO the word of the moment, lol...
Im feeling a twinge of hurt, but im glad that im not the same girl as i was exactly a year ago. Im glad that im totally reliant on God to get me through this.
And im thankful that i have awesome friends to help me through! you guys are the most attractive crutches i've ever seen!! **squirrelish hugs**
oh yay! more support!! Thanks Fraser =) I like what you said, you're probably way way too right there. I beat myself up heaps about what happened, and what kind of slutty christian would hook into some guy shes only known a week, you know the sort of self-beatings we're all so good at. And how i thought i was so strong and when the first hurdle came i just fell so hardly (lol.. thats not a word)
And dont worry you guys arent intruding at all... all this talking about it is helping me to heal, and i will metaphorically cry on all your shoulders... although you know im too tough and manly to ever cry in public! *wink*
lol.. now i feel bad for not mentioning you by name, Mike!! so here.. i will *grin* it helps to know that you've been through the same stuff as me, even if that sucks!! (yay you've been burninated) (irony IRONY) *weeps*
But im glad we're all growing together... and can support one another as all the crappy stuff happens AND when all the good stuff happens :)
oh right on Paulie boy :) niiiiice!
*bites Paul, SAM, Mike, and Fraser on the ears and runs away*
the boys have said it all (again)! i don't really have anything to add. i just wanted to let ya know that i'm here and can provide you with chocolate therapy :)
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