hello God... are you really there or is it just me?
Oh bother... time for another brutally honest post. Like Katherine, i have a tendency to worry myself into a stew, often over silly little things. I dont do this often, as i'm relatively laid back, but last night i had a bit of a moment. In Kelly's words, "my life is too easy, i disgust me".
I got really worried yesterday that i haven't been perceiveing God 'correctly' ... that perhaps the reason everything seems so lovely and idyllic is because i haven't actually found God. Maybe me and God aren't like this *holds up two crossed fingers* but thats some false sense of God that i have and maybe God is really a wee way away saying "hello? can you hear me?" but i can't hear cos i'm so caught up in my happy box?
I don't really know how to put this into words, but i got rather upset about like maybe when i pray i'm not actually talking to God, but to a voice in my head that i **think** is God, but is really just me. And maybe when i yell out awesome things to him on Sundays at church i am really yelling into the wind?
I'm very sure in my faith usually, just all of a sudden i was plagued with doubts about how life seems to finally be the way i want it to be and this can't be right. Finally i'm happy with who i am. I'm not perfect, or anywhere near it, but i'm definately at a good place. I'm no longer battling with Depression. I'm not leading boys astray. I'm spending time with God each day. I'm really passionate about him.
This can't be right.
Maybe i'm missing something?
Maybe i'm blind?
Maybe theres something big going on that i've deluded myself into thinking isn't there?
Maybe God's not as close as i think he is. Maybe the voice in my head i trust and listen to, and let guide me is actually satan and not God?
And how can i know for sure?
However this morning i tried to make sense of it all. With the help of a Sheila Pritchard technique, i talked to God (or was that just my **conception** of God?! ARGH!)
I feel really self conscious about this... oh well
Anyway what i did was to choose some crayons that were colours that seemed to describe my mood, and draw how i felt. Then i asked God what colour he was and how he wanted to be portrayed on the picture.
I drew in dark blue, dark green, gray and dull purple. I drew me, idyllic in my box, while the trinity tried to get in, but i couldn't see that they weren't in the box cos i was so happy in the box.
God chose yellow. and drew himself in the box, around the box, and broke down the wall of the box.
If it **was** actually God that is. And not just some part of my imagination *sigh*.
3 Comments:
A silly comment, you've probably already done this, but in your post you haven't mentioned that you've told God about it. Perhaps you could pray to God and get him to confirm himself?
Sometimes he does you know...
tolja yellow was the colour of perfection! ^_^
hmm. well, is it just you? Id have to say most times, if you are having an actual conversation in prayer, then yes.
I think that Prayer is us communicating with God, not the other way around. we shouldnt go expecting to hear answers. A lot of the time we can hear ourselves telling ourselves what we should do, thats our conscience. BUT the good thing about this is that our conscience is pretty much God's laws as written on our hearts (if we are Christian. or have had a Christian upbringing) . If we strive to live a Godly life, then we will know what we have to do deep down, we get a sense of it. Thats why we feel guilty when we do something wrong.
Our conscience, Gods advisor to us! ^_^
I think I would hate it if i actually got a verbal response in prayer. i dunno.. i wouldnt hate it, but once you get over the awesomeness of being talked to by God, it just seems to lessen the connection. it makes Prayer so more mundane. God works on our hearts, not in our ears.
That was all very random sorry. random kinda week! please ask me to clarify if everything comes out pear shaped!
hey don,
although i do not know you personally and probably we're from different part of the world (i'm from Singapore), i came across your blog and happened to read some of your entries. Glad that know that you are serving God actively! Just my two cents worth of thoughts... i do agree with you that praying is about our petition to God as well as when He will speak to us. Just like us on earth, you will cease to talk to someone who doesn't reply you right? I believe God talk to us as well when we pray.. it's not a one way, passive communication. Though at times He may choose to speak to us later (at His own timing when He deems is appropriate..). Do not be discourage ya :) I guess the doubts come when you pose a hazard to the devils! Or like what you said, it could be because you are too comfortable with your walk with God. Ask the Lord to search you.. and i'm sure He will reveal it to you in due time. Press on ya!
in His love,
Serene
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