the mysterious 'escapism'
Aah... how predictable. When Michelle's feeling bubbly and sociable theres a 'thankyou' post or a 'hello to friends' post, but when shes feeling grouchy and snappish theres a 'self-reflective' post or an 'angry at the world' post.
I'm busy trying to work myself out tonight. Big task, i know... trying to work out who you are and what makes you tick... but im doing it.
First observation is that i am mixed up. A lot of the time i look at myself and think "yup... i've got it (mostly) together... i know where im going... i'm mature and grown up... and im ready for a relationship [not that thats what everything is about]" and then other times i look at myself and wonder if i am indeed, as someone suggested the other day, like someone's little sister, still waiting to grow up, still throwing tantrums when things dont go her way, and someone whos problems are so trivial they can be solved with a hug.
I wonder what other people see when they look at me... do they see someone whos fun and caring and happy and loving and secure? Or do they see a child who is whiny and rude and grouchy and touchy and insecure? Cos thats actually what i am most of the time, i'm just pretty good at hiding it, because i dont want people to feel uncomfortable. I'm the perfect host (almost). I'm all about making other people comfortable, even at your own expense. I guess thats why its been hard lately when lovely people like Kelly and Paul and my friend Joanne ask my how i really am, or tell me they're concerned about me. Because i'm not used to compromising someones comfort by dissolving into sobs on their shoulder (sorry Paul *grin*) or texting someone telling them i'm pulled over on the side of the road, and i dont think i can make it to their house cos i'm not feeling ok.
And sometimes its even the fact that i have to battle between these two sides of me that makes me feel childish. (Most) Grownups dont have to fight the urge to trash their room, or fling plates around, or yell at people that they're stupid mole rats. [insert giggle... even saying "naked mole rats" or just "mole rats" or just "mole" makes me laugh... does this confirm my suspicion that i've never grown up?]
Actually speaking of which... sometimes i think my childish-ness is an attraction. My desire to stay young forever, like Peter Pan, is what makes people like me. My silly sense of humour, my love for simple things, is what draws others to me. But then other times i think no... thats what pushes people away, stops them from going deeper with me, and helps them to think i'm immature and flighty.
Sometimes i like being this way, and other times it scares me. Well not exactly scares me... but worries me. Do i really like being like this? How hard have i tried to change? Will i be stuck this way forever? Or is there nothing wrong with being this way?
Wow... i really got off on a tangent there... i wanted to talk more about myself (sarcastic cheer goes up from the crowd) and problems with escapism.
I think this will just be a random collection of thoughts and hypotheses, so dont expect a thesis or anything fancy.
I've been wondering... is the childish-ness a form of escapism? Is it just a way i have learnt to deal (or not deal as the case may be) with whats going on?
I wonder if perhaps you learn skills of dealing with situations from your parents. And if so, is it possible that their inadequacies produce interesting results in you?
Im not a person who likes to blame stuff on your parents... (talk to my estranged Aunty about blaming stuff on your parents... 30 years later and she still cant forgive her parents!) but i do recognise that some things are genetic, and sometimes the way you are brought up or the way your parents are does influence who you become.
For a start... my mother has battled with anger and depression all her life. I have so many horrible memories of waking up to hear her hysterical in the bedroom nextdoor... throwing things, screaming about how horribly she'd been treated by the rest of us, and how everything was somehow someone else's fault but her own. I remember many times wishing she would just go away, so I didnt have to be scared so much, or feel so guilty. And i remember precious things of mine that got broken when things got thrown around the house. As a result, i just learned to yell back. To throw things as well. To pull out all sorts of personal insults just to keep yourself from saying sorry, i've made a mistake.
I thought i'd pulled myself out of that one. I dont throw things anymore when i'm mad. I dont yell horrible things at other people. I dont have the big hissy fits. So I think i'm starting to grow out of that a little bit. But often i do think offensive thoughts about others, or degrading thoughts about myself. Often if i fail at something i'll start the old "you're stupid and worthless and you knew you'd never be able to do it" negative talk, which seems like the sort of thing a child does.
Argh.. more tangent... back to the escapism!
Is yelling just a way of escapism? trying to not deal with the real issue? Personal insults, and blaming everything on others or yourself when its not their/your fault as a way of not dealing with the real issue?
I used to want to run away a lot when i was younger. I would lie in bed and plan ways i could escape, and where i'd go, what i'd take, etc. But i could never work out a plan that would actually work. Try and escape your problems, rather than facing up to them.
I guess that was a biggie in our family - to escape your problems instead of facing up to them. Blame them on someone else, or pretend they werent there.
I guess suicide is another form of escapism. When you can't deal with it anymore, or dont feel like you can burden someone else with your problems, you decide that ending your life is the easiest way to cope. He he - tried that too...
Fantasy = another form of escapism. I would lie in my room for hours, thinking up stories, or making up plots in my head. Or pretending i was a character from a movie or a book. If i was someone else then i didnt have my problems.
Or through reading novels. Being the character in the book, taking you away to another world. Or the destructive kinds of novels, the good old lady-porn ones, full of Prince Charmings and perfect lives. Like i said in an earlier blog - just makes you want what you cant have.
Or through pretending to be who you arent. (im trying to think of more recent examples here)
I loved this one guy right through highschool... and i always tried to be who he wanted me to be, not who i should have been. In 7th form i flipped it around, and tried to be exactly the opposite of what everyone expected, and just ended up making people hate me. 1st year uni i tried to be the cool girl. The girl with a nice body, tonnes of boyfriends, the girl you want but cant have, and the girl that tries so hard with her work she is exhausted.
I guess i'm kinda a specialist in escapism. Any way to not have to deal with your problems is a good way.
Well i feel i should tie this all in somehow...
I was thinking tonight, about how closed-in i've felt lately. And how i can't wait to go overseas where theres so much freedom and less responsibility and more of doing what i want to do. And it reminded me of how in 7th form i was just hanging out til the end of the year. I thought i was going to go to Europe the year after that, simply as a means of escape. To not have to deal with anything anymore, start a new life in a way.
I was wondering if thats why i had a hard job the last few years - if you are uncontent, and dying to get out of your life and into another, then you are never going to be settled with it. If you always want something different, and you are just hanging out til things can change, then you wont find happiness and contentment with the life you are living.
So perhaps i've gotta start making the most of what i've got right now. Because this is all i've got at the moment. Sometimes you've gotta start with the crappy stuff before you can move on to the good stuff. And while you're so busy being discontent with what you've got, you miss out on the good parts of it.
I think I'm totally off track there... not really the conclusion i meant to come up with, he he... but i think its related in a way :)
I'm going to endeavour to be less childish and more grown up. To be less affected by circumstance, and more grounded in the big picture. Once I start to live even more for today than for years in the future 'when everything's perfect' it will be a bit easier to be mature about the little hiccups life spits you =)
Yeah... last note: I am going to try and stop having my wee tantrums and hissy fits and grumpy spells and be a bit more placid. I know i'm fairly well in this box of whatever it is, Popular Sanguine perhaps, but a little bit of maturity never hurt anyone!
Hurrah for being transformed =)
Edit note: Went back and read that and saw that the point i was trying to make was that maybe my childish behaviour is a way of escaping. I quite like that hypothesis. Maybe its very close to the truth. But like i said; I'm going to try and face up to reality a bit more, stop dramatising everything, and be a bit more stable :)
5 Comments:
Ok, so im just knowing now this reply is going to be long! :P but here goes anyway!.
First things first, i think everyone is a bit mixed up. I'd be doubtful if someone said they weren't, either that or I'd be thinking that they hadnt really confronted that part of themselves yet. Someone who says they understand themselves and their actions i think would be lying.
Here's a fully unbiased outsider's perspective! Ive never met you, but have gotten to know you over the net. (tangent: how dodgey does that sound?) what do i see?
I see Michelle the slightly crazy cool sounding chick from NZ. I see someone with a deep love for God and a desire to serve his purpose. I see someone who cares for her friends. I see someone, who, like every other sane person on this planet, deals with inner doubts, worries and past hurts. I see a strong person who is working through these the best she can, while trying to not let them affect her friends.
Someone who is 'childish' is completely egocentric. as this is what the psyche of a child is. And from what i can tell, this is definately not you. We all have our hissy fits which we display in one form or another, tis how we learn to cope with them that makes us mature. Speaking of maturity i had a thought last year. There are debates about when we reach maturity? at what stage in our lives do we 'grow up'? I think that if childishness is characterised by egocentricity, then the moment we mature is the moment when we learn how to value and love someone else more than we love ourselves.
Maturity isnt about the way we behave, or our likes and dislikes. Maturity is abot the way in which we treat others. Heres a good Oxymoron to think about. Mature Childishness. I think it is possible to be mature, but still act in such a way as to keep the pleasures and good points of childhood! there is nothing wrong with enjoyoing childish pleasures! And, yes, contrary to what you are thinking Michelle, Thats one of your most endearing qualities! speaking honestly here. I love that 'childishness' the spark you have. dont seek to get rid of it, instead, look to how you can keep it safe. Cynisism is a terrible thing. CHildishness is far more preferable!
Blaming others is a form of escapism, yes. Blaming yourself is not. Also, a child wouldnt blame themselves! neither should you! i mean we all do it. We all look down on ourselves from time to time. But this is only when we are comparing ourselves to our ideals. to what the world wants us to be, and sometimes even to what we think God wants us to be. We are less than ideal. But getting down on ourselves defeats the purpose of living. We are what we are, and we constantly strive to make ourselves better, to enable us to serve God and others to the best of our abilities.
That was a long ramble and i hope some of it made sense! :P
Seeking maturity is a great thing! But dont endeavour to be less childish (in a good way!). Remember. We are all children of God! and that IS the big picture! we are Children now, and forever. but we are children who care about our fellow brothers and sisters. Children who know the value of loving others more than ourselves.
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man im not even going to go into how much Comics are escapism and childish! ;)
Heh heh... you and i are both THE length-maestros!
Wow.. thanks for reassuring me :)
Good oxymoron? The best oxymoron is about cool and australians, but i wont say it here... cos you are, after all, offering me lovely advice and comfort *grin*
No, i do like your oxymoron about mature childishness. I like it a lot. I shall try to encorporate both, i feel, into who i am :)
Yeah, im not going to make this reply a big long ramble, somehow that feels hollow... i shall save up most of what i want to say, and say it to you 'properly' :)
and thankyou for commenting... i'm glad im not so abnormal *snigger* ... well in some ways!
Like what SAM said, childishness can be a good thing, or a bad thing, depends on how you use it. A lot of people appreciate silly as well as deep. Achieve a balance.
But, what I really wanted to say, was desires to be 'grown up' are very good. But don't let yourself act all mature and like everything is fine when it isn't. Perhaps true maturity is allowing others be aware of our (self-percieved) immaturities?
So, don't let yourself do stuff and tof stuff you don't want to, but don't pretend that stuff isn't happening when it is.
If that makes any sense...
Well seeing you asked how others see you I might as well give some reply.
Looking at you and seeing you at CU and other things I see a a pretty, friendly, outgoing person with certain passionate interests. A christian who loves god and wants to get to know him more.
Reading your blog I "see" a friendly, outgoing, person passionate about god but a bit of a worrier who is not completely self confident.
Of course neither views are completely accurate. One is a surface view of the way you interact with other people and the outward appearence of your faith. The other is my interpretation of your personal view of your self. Very rarely do, I think, we completely understand our selves or are able to accurately describe our selves to others. Some are to positive about them selves (I'm the best thing since sliced bread (On a completely different note I acctually thing unsliced breads better)) others are fairly neutral (I've average neither good nor bad, Great nor appaling) or negative (I'm messed up totally stuffed ...). And from reading your blog I'd put you close to netural but probably on the negative side from various comments.
When those bias's are combined with the readers It's unlikely the view is going to be very accurate.
Childness and escapism.
I'd agree with those above that this is a prime example of something that isn't escapism.
As for Childness I think there are several different types of childness where both the best and worst of child like behaviour can be seen.
What I see as good that can be described as childish to some degree are:
- Wonder as we grow older less is wonderfull to us, the loss of wonder at every thing I think is tragic as we become sour, twisted or just immune to wonder.
- Innocence, need I say more?
- Love sincere and often with very little reason.
The bad is:
- Temper.
- Pushing the limits to see whats allowed
- lack of thought acting with out thought of the consequences.
I wouldn't call childness a form of escapism unless people delibrately use it as that rather it's a natural part of some character.
Again reading can or can not be a form of escapism I think. Some read for the simple enjoyment of it, others read because they have nothing else to do and some read to try to escape otherthings.
Which catagory a persons in is hard to tell and it's very easy I think to move from one to another!
As for the Fantasy idea again with the above some people like to play with Ideas and there imagination it can be used as a form of escapism but doesn't have to be. After all writers use there imagnination to creat brillient story's, to make points and to guide and show there readers amazing things, ideas etc.
It's possible that you've used one or all of those things as a form of escapism at some time or another but I wouldn't be supprised if they've stoped being a method of escaping for you now and have become something you enjoy and is usefull in some way or form.
Escapism. heh.
Talk to me sometime about my deep dark dingy past and my almost successful attempt to escape escapism... hehe. No, seriously do, I might be able to help.
Anyhow, I do think that your parents are partly to blame/takecredit for the way you end up. It's always an interesting exercise to look at your parents and pick out the things you really don't want to see in yourself... and then take a hard-arse look at yourself and see if you see them there. And then, instead of going nuts and hating your parents and yourself, deliberately look at other role models for those things and have a go at remodelling yourself. I made a huge big conscious effort to do this a coupla years back, and it's really interesting how different I am now. But I feel more like me now than I did then.
And then have a good hard look at all the things that are so awesome about your parents, since you were so harsh on them just before! :)
Love you long time babe. Keeping the good aspects of childishness is a very good thing. You rock kidlet!
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