the box is finally opened...!
I dont really know how to start off this post. Basically i'd like to post about yesterday, but i also want to mention good stuff.
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning, as we all know too well, so most of me is all happy and fine now. Im slightly grumpy, but only cos im annoyed at me being upset yesterday and at me crying when reading Reuben's blog this morning!!
I think i have a problem with talking about feelings. And i think thats what upset me yesterday. I had my first accountability meeting with Estie (who i love beyond all reason) and i found it really hard. Everytime we stopped talking about silly stuff, and got onto serious stuff i nearly cried. I dont know if Estie knew (or Ruth, or Sal, who also happened to sit in on our meeting, which took the pressure off a bit) but it was really really hard for me, and i came to realise that even though we only talked about 2 or 3 serious issues, it was still more than i have ever talked to another person about. Sometimes i 'talk' to Nathan about stuff on MSN Messenger, and i've even discussed serious issues through text messages with Joanne, but i have never been really honest, and talked about my true feelings face to face with another person. And it was really hard. Obviously theres a whole lot more stuff that we didnt cover, but a start is always a start =)
((I'm comfortable with posting about this on the internet, cos its not like i have someone right there to see me cry, or to look caringly at me, or put an arm round me when it gets tough. So i feel like i can handle being honest! hee hee))
Firstly we talked about how i am always mad at Nathan, and how i dont like always being mad at him. However, Pentecostalism is what made my faith come alive, and inspired me to be a fuller person, and when someone who obviously has a lot of concerns with it constantly bags it, it seems like a blow to the heart, rather than just some superficial stand i am taking.
Interestingly enough, an hour or two after i'd talked to Estie about the latest issue with Nathan, he and i ended up talking about it.
The other thing that i had to be honest with Estie-o about was Paul and Jess, and how i am finding it really tough to... i dont know... come to grips with their coupledom? be happy and supportive? I dont want to post too much, because i know both Paul and Jess read my blog, so i dont want you guys to feel bad about anything.
Dan and i have been so anti-couples all this year, cos it seems like everyone we know is pairing off... and i hate that! For all i harass people like Ruth and Breo and Este and Andre, if they were actually to become couples i'd drop my sack for a while, i think!! Sometimes i dont know why people can't be happy in their singleness for longer, and not get so serious about something that is going to last the rest of their lives! (i am one of those terrible people that believes in 'courting' -oh how i hate that word- and dating someone only when you have talked it over with friends and family and feel ready for a deeper commitment) (i am not a staunch Josh Harris fan, sorry, but i do agree with a lot of his ideas)
So yeah, i have couple-issues, lol!
Dan and i had this plan where we'd get married (so we never had to look for a partner, or possibly face rejection ever again), and then go live in caves on opposite sides of the world as hermits for the rest of our lives. And once a year we'd meet up for a day or so, have a chat about life, or maybe just grunt like true hermits, then go back to Hermit-ty life (so we didnt have to spend much time together). Perfect plan!
But yeah, the reason i was upset last night is that all sorts of things combined yesterday and just piled up into one big mess.
I stayed at my aunty's after Les Miserables, and we stayed up until at least 11 cos we hadnt seen each other for ages, then we had to have more womanly chats in the morning, so i was about 10 minutes late to uni... and couldnt get a park. But i was wearing my lovely 6inch heels, so i couldnt just park out on the road and walk into campus. I was also wearing stockings, so i couldnt get changed in the car. Sooo... i drove to Hermil (Ruth, Sal, Helen and Este's house) and got changed in their kitchen, then drove Ruth back to uni at 11, where we kinda stole some guys park (well not really, it just looked like that to him). Then i went to lunch at 12, and didnt see anyone i knew, except for Ruth and Nathan together, so i wasnt even gonna try having lunch with an annoyed Nathan, so then i decided i'd go have lunch by myself on the cold balcony of the library, just like the start of the year when i had no friends. And as i was heading to the library, the Buddhist/Krishna guy who's been hanging round campus for ages trying to sell his weird books held out a book to me, and asked me if i wanted to look at it. Did i?! Yay! this was the perfect missed opportunity from last semester that i rued myself about! It was really good! i dont know if he was just being as gracious to me as i was to him, but he really listened to what i was saying about Jesus/God/Christians, and even asked questions =) For the first 10 minutes or so i asked him questions about his books, and about his faith, and it was kinda sad... he didnt sound that certain! he said like "um well... i'm not really a buddhist, i'm kinda what you'd call a Krishna. Sort of." And when i asked if they pray, and to which deity, he said "well we dont really have any one deity, we can kind of choose whoever we want to pray to..." And it just sounded so wishy-washy, like its all about self-fulfilment, and each to his own path. But after he'd had his time, i talked about Christianity, and he said he'd had a christian upbringing, but he didnt really seem to understand much of the bible, he even asked me um, what are we to God? As in, are we deitys? Are we part of the three parts of God? and things like "Christianity's got a lot of rules though, doesnt it?" So it was good, we got to talk about both sides of our faiths =)
Argh, im getting distracted, anyway, while i was talking to him, a girl that is a friend of a friend walked past, so i randomly stepped out and asked her if she wanted to have lunch with me! Kind of a compromise - stay talking to the kharma guy (cos if he's talking to me, he's not talking to anyone else =] ) or have lunch with a familiar face? But i figured i'd given the guy enough to think about, so we went and had lunch. And one of her friends came along, that i'd met before, he's this massively funny guy, a real crack up, so after lunch we went to give blood together, which took ages, cos there was a long wait. Then i had my accountability meeting with Squirrel girl, which i was late for, cos the blood ladies made me stay and rest for longer cos it was my first time, and i'm only just over the weight/haemoglobin limits... *pause to breathe* And then i dropped Estie off at her prayer triplet meeting, while i went back to uni and almost did some work, then i took Nathan home, got Estie, went to countdown and got random food to take to the Spleen (Breo, Reuben and Jimmy's flat), and they invited us to stay for dinner. Paul and Jess turned up too, but they brought their own tea. And i ended up leaving before dinner cos i had a youth group meeting. I wasnt sure when or where it was... which was a bit of a worry, but eventually i got there, even if about 40 minutes late! I was also annoyed, cos i'd missed dinner, so i had to get burger king (eew AGAIN!) and scoff it in the car, at like 7.45, which is SO not when i eat!
((My youth pastor has a 15 month old daughter, and shes sooo cute!! she has just learnt to talk (kindof) and can take 2 steps before falling over, and she babbled and giggled through the whole meeting!! Its times like that i think maybe i do want kids after all =P (just on a wee aside, she keeps saying "woah woah woah" and swaying back and forwards, cos she wants you to sing "row row row your boat.." he he he! so cute!))
So then finally i got home at 10, which is the earliest i've been home in AGES! and managed to get into bed at 10.30, but i was still awake after 11, and i started to get more and more annoyed at being awake, cos i so badly wanted to catch up on sleep... and i think i got upset cos i was overtired! And i just felt like a baby thats been left alone in the middle of a room; at first its crying cos there's no-one there, and its alone, then its just crying cos its been crying for so long its forgotten why... And it wants to yell for Daddy, but it doesnt know how.
But then i realised that there was someone in the room, even if i had been too busy crying to notice. And daddy had come, as he always does. So i tried to explain to Jesus how i felt, and why i was so upset, and i realised i didnt really know why.
The one thing that was prominent though was that i felt like a box. A box that had been closed for so long that the lock on it was rusty. A box that someone had begun to prise open. And it hurt because it had been closed for so long. And i realised that i was scared. I was so upset cos i was filled with fear. about being open with another person. and telling them all my hopes and dreams and fears and hurts. and what if that person went away (which they most likely will) and then i will have to start all over again... And then i got mad at myself for being so silly and crying about something that is obviously so good. But i was also getting all rarked up about things like being worried that Ruth finds me annoying sometimes, and POLS being too hard, and me not having time to organise this birthday party! Then i got grumpy cos i knew that my eyes would be all puffy and horrible in the morning, which i hate, cos its like tangible evidence of your pain the night before, that you want to forget about, but it stays with you cos your eyes are all scratchy and bloated, and you have to put on extra makeup to cover it, lol! Stupid eyes!! *grin*
I got prayed for at the youth group meeting last night! it was cool =) Cos i was late, i missed being prayed for at the start, but just when i was leaving, Glen (the youth pastor) was like "wait!! you wanna be prayed for?" so i was like "OKAY!!" i'm really excited about pentecostal prayer... i love it... where everyone lays hands on you, and you lift your hands to the creator, and aah man.. its great, i love it. It just feels like everyone loves you so much :) (oh no! i just said Pentecostal and 'feels' in the same sentence!)
And cos i always try and avoid prayer like that, just in case something happens, it was only the second time Glen has prayed for me!! I've been prayed for before, at big hypey things like City New Life, and Get Smart, but not by people who actually know me, and know some of what i am... so that was cool :)
And this morning its raining really hard, so its not worth the 1.5 hours driving time to get to and from Chch for one hour's class, so i'm just staying at home... i was gonna do the work from 11-12 same time as the tut, but i felt it was more important to get this load out of the way, and now i can feel free-er and ready to do work, lol! procrastination is good for the soul, Sam :)
Speaking of which, i got up at 8.30 this morning, just so i could be good and get time to post on my blog as well as do work, before i go to TWH at 3.30!! Cunning as a fox, i am!
And Some Aussie Maniac was online for about 15 minutes so i got to 'talk' to him!! yay! He's so cool! Hope your day at work is really squirrel-ific, Sam-boy!! Oh and those were some terrible puns =P
Message from Sam to everyone - Be Positive!!
(he found out, after his giving-blood fiasco, that he's a B+ ... more fuel to his pun fire!)
Now off to do some (long overdue) work!
11 Comments:
I love you.
...no, I think that's it.
Wow - it really is that time of year for everyone. Have a Hug.
You may be interested in my recent post about these sorts of things, I figured it is kinda topical at the moment. I have done a very poor job of translating what is going on in my head, but perhaps it will be of some help. Feel better - ;)
Well your certainly doing better in some fields than the rest of us. Seeing many of use can't even write something about feeling even to stick on the internet let alone even think about talking about feelings.
Also theres nothing wrong about getting upset about people who bash's your faith or part of it when to them it's an Intellectual issue while to your self it's more emotional.
I'd personally get very irritated if some one kept bashing away at something that had strengthed my faith simply because they disliked it personally or from an Intellectual point of view.
Nice to here you had a good chat with the Krishna fella.
As for couples don't worry about it yet after all your still not quite Twenty. Trust Christ and if you have to start worring or being annoyed about it do it in a few more years time when your 24 say.
by the way if you don't mind me asking whats your MSN contact?
I'm guessing it involves Squirrel's and @hotmail.
If you can be bothered you might as well add
falcdragcsh at hotmail.com
Wow... you sure can write though! =) Yeay for you talking to the Krishna guy! It's interesting that I often have trouble talking about Christianity with others, but am fine talking out it on the net. Whereas you seem to be saying you have trouble talking about emotions and feelings and stuff on the net, but are fine takling on the net.
Can I ask a question, are you very open to God? God is person too, and perhaps you'd find it easier to talk to Him about this sort of thing. Maybe talking to Him about it would make it easier with others. By open, I mean letting Him into all the parts of our heart, to every area of our physical, mental, and emotional lives. There was nothing so revolutionary for me as to learn to really be open with God.
I don't have any problem giving God a proverbial piece of my mind... I get angry with Him sometimes - of course I'm unjustly angry because God's perfect - but I think God wants us to be honest rather than to put on a show towards Him.
And hey, the scary thing is that when we're really open with God (and others, I guess), we begin to really see what's in our own hearts. Generally this is a suckful and depressing process because we realise we have heaps and heaps of problems, that we aren't perfect, that our lives aren't perfect, that we're full of selfishness and pride and jealousy and laziness and all these things. This might be on a tangent, here, but I think the more righteous we become, the more we come to see our sinfulness. The more light we let into our hearts, the more we see of the dust and clutter.
Ultimately, happiness depends not on the content of our lives, but on the focus of our lives.
... wow, I should write that down.... wait, I just have. I mean - with a pen or something... somewhere in the real world.... =)
I hope this helps =) And have a hug too... **hug**
PS: I wouldn't worry about getting a relationship... I imagine I am far more worried than you, but I find worry doesn't help much anyway. Plus, looking back on the last few years I'm really glad NOW that I didn't have a girlfriend because I wouldn't have grown up enough on my own to become the person I am today. Of course, I wasn't so thrilled about it at the time... nor am I thrilled about it currently... but I have learned to cast my cares upon Jesus because I know He cares for me.
Dont worry boys :) Im not fretting away about having a manfriend yet!! i'll wait til i'm old before i get worried! he he!
And Reubz... yes, God is great... i do talk to him... a lot. I am very open with God, and yeah, i do also get angry with him occasionally, i find he's often the best comfort, but sometimes you still want someone real. Someone who CAN give you a hug and say "i still love you... no matter what" =)
Thankyou Chad, nice points... as i more often feel things (i still think, mind you, but feeling is more of who i am) it does hurt more when someone criticises something that is a deep part of you.
Hugs back to everyone... I think we're all hanging out for spring... =]
Well, as yet I haven't responded to this post, partially because it involves me :) But now, I'd just like to tell you to keep opening the metaphorical box. We love ya, and think you're cool, so yay.
cya
I completely hear you Michelle. I like the idea of 'accountability' meetings. I totally understand where you are coming from when you said "sometimes you still want someone real. Someone who CAN give you a hug and say "i still love you... no matter what"Unfortunately, my mistake was basing my reason for starting a relationship on that desire. I discovered (too late) that this causes all sorts of friction - and the whole direction of the relationship suffered.
It's great to want something like that, I think deep down, that's what all of us want, we are just afraid to come out of our shells and let ourselves become vunerable.
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the perturbations of love is Hell." - C.S Lewis Sound like your rusted box analogy?
It sucks, but it's the truth. We have to be willing to be hurt before we can become close to people.
Argh! I never find you annoying, you're lovely. so there. :p
Hope today turns out better for you :)
ooh oooh!! more comments that i didnt know were there!! Thanks Ruthie, you're so awesome!
And Mike... Aw! CS Lewis is my most favouritist author ever... love the quote! Thankyou heaps for posting :)
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