boxing day - time for gloves and a ring

I'm a little bit rant-ish at the moment, so sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense.
I just don't understand what makes my mother act the way she does sometimes. I thought things were looking up; that she hadn't had 'an episode' for ages, so things must be better. All my life i've wondered what it would be like to have the sort of mother i've always wanted. One who asks you how your day at school was, one who cares about boys you like, and tiffs you've had with your girl buddies, a mother who hugs and kisses you. A mother who sits beside you on the couch and talks about problems or shares secrets.
Not one who sometimes threw things and yelled and screamed and hit, or threatened to kill herself or run away. Not one who told you that it was all your fault, and you'd be responsible for her ending up in hospital. Not one who pushed you away when you tried to hug her. Not one who started screaming because your Dad didn't write on her Christmas present.

I thought we were over this.
There was a patch when it happened all the time. And it gets bad just before mum and dad go on holiday together. Mum also gets very stressed out over tiny little things - like that my brother didn't give her a christmas card.
It just feels like i'm dealing with a child sometimes. A resentful, immature, deliberately awkward teenager. *sigh*
How can you reason with someone, or state your case when they leave a letter that is grossly exaggerated and so grasping at straws.

So anyway Dad and I arrived home from church this morning to find mum gone, and a note left that expressed why she was upset. Basically because
-Dad hadn't written a note on her christmas present
-brother hadn't given her a card
-i had asked how to set the table, when i'm 20years old and should know how.
-for her birthday she'd been given 3 crossword books
i can't remember the rest, but it was mostly pretty unreasonable.

It just makes me so mad. Why didn't she deal with this years ago? Go talk over her issues with a church counsellor or friend? why does it all have to get lumped on us?

Argh. i just don't know. Why do I have to have this? My poor dad.
I was thinking about this while i picked blackcurrants - i think this is why i'm scared of commitment - that i'm worried i'm going to turn into a dragon lady who is unstable and nuts. And some poor guy will be stuck with that. Poor poor idiot. What did he get himself into?

[ I think its important to add that I love my Mum, and i think she loves me. I do not deserve pity, as the things that went on for us are nowhere near as bad as other people have them. I just want to make it clear that yes i do wish things had been different, but I don't want to wallow, or make things out to be worse than they were/are. Sometimes things blow up, but most of the time things are ok =) ]

23rd Dec = chaos!

Gar! I had typed out the beginning of a post and when I disconnected from the internet the computer restarted and it was gone... I HATE COMPUTERS! As I have said many times before, how I wish I could take this one up to the 11th floor of the James Height library and chuck it off... wheeeeee!!!!
It’s Christmas (summer) and I have a cold. What’s with that? I think it comes from spending lots of time in a cold house, or outside in the rain. *shakes fist angrily at sky*

So anyway, Sally was right. When she leaves, I need to post! When she’s around, I’m occupied enough to not need to post. It’s getting a bit lonely. Ruth is not here. Nathan is away for a month. Sally has been in Timaru (but was back for 3 days this week). My Aunty and family have just left for Australia. Heln has gone to Te Carroty Puke.
As Sally so poetically put it, I am like Mount Cook discovering New Zealand [sic.]. I think Sally is cool =) After our slightly rocky start to flatting together (I thought she was thunder-footted miss lazy, and she thought I was miss uptight and rule-obsessed) I now quite like living with Sal. The thumping and door-slamming in the middle of the night is decreasing, and we are learning to just say something when we have problems. It’s good being comfortable enough with another person to feel that you can speak if there is an issue. The other cool thing about living with Sal now is that she is cool. Sal is strange. Sal is windy. But Sal is fun. So yay for Sal.
Steve is also cool. Strangely, we saw Steve three days this week. I’m not sure what attracted him to Hermil.. No, I jest! It’s obvious why he was there *cough* smitten *cough*. I think its really lovely to watch a relationship develop and, dare I say, blossom. I much prefer that to the oft-rushed world of dating today. Yay for Sally and Steve taking time, and being a cool couple.

Lets tell you about yesterday. I see that Mike has taken a leaf out of my book, and written a long ranty post about his troubles, so I shall follow suit.
Yesterday, the 23rd december.
Sal and I went to the Christchurch City Council to see if the building done on Hermil was up to standard. Interestingly enough, the file was ‘missing’. Yeah! Do I ever feel like Nancy Drew who has just stumbled across sordid details! We left the council, in central Chch, and drove to Steve’s place, in Bishopdale. We picked him up, stopped at Hermil for 10 minutes, then tried to meet Sal’s Timaru friends for lunch. Sal got a bit mixed up with the directions, and we ended up over half an hour late to lunch. It was 1.35, and I decided that if I wanted to be at the Airport at 2pm, then I’d better just skip lunch and head for the airport.
Stupidly, I decided to head down Riccarton Rd, so that I could get drive-through Maccas for lunch. After moving at snail’s pace, I went through KFC and had to go down Blenheim Rd. All day the driving had been chaotic. People were driving like idiots. (including myself) Finally I reached the airport at 2.20, after driving for about 90 minutes, and at no time having travelled more than 9kms over the speed limit. (I count 10 over as speeding). But wait. Every man and his dog was at the airport. I had to wait to get into the carpark, then drive around almost every row to try and find a park. By this time I was panacked, as I had had the impression that my relatives were going to board the plane at 2.30. After yelling at a man (“DON’T YOU KNOW YOUR GIVEWAY RULES?” oops – window down), I fially got parked and ran for the airport.
I puffedly arrived at the international arrival lounge and searched for familiar faces. Wait. Arrival lounge? No! No wonder these people all looked happy. Wrong place. Frantic search for signs. Could find no signs pointing to International Departure Lounge. I have no watch, and all I knew was that last time I’d seen a clock, it read 2.20. It felt like eons later. I strode (? Strided? Stroded? Strude?) through the airport and found the international departures. Crowd scan….. nope. Nobody I knew. I strude back to arrivals. Nope. Back to departures. Back to arrivals. Back to departures, by this stage getting teary and starting to worry that I’d missed them. I felt like screaming “what the heck is wrong with the signage in this place? How can I find anything if the signs don’t make sense?!”
I checked my phone for messages... nothing. I had expected a family member to be waiting outside, ready to scream “where were you? You’re nearly 45 minutes late?!” I felt lost and stressed. Tears clouded my vision and my face began to screw up. (not like that. I mean it got all squinty cos I was trying not to wail) I decided to go down to domestic. On the way I walked through (apparently) international check in… family members! People I knew! I nearly ran over to my mum, promptly burst into tears and wailed “where were you? I thought somebody would come and meet me. I’ve been walking around lost for 20 minutes.” *sob sob sob* My mother put her arms around me (?!) and we walked over to some seats where I wailed that I hadn’t had a drink since 10am, hadn’t had time to eat lunch which was sitting in my car, had been driving for nearly 2hours, couldn’t find anyone, and thought I’d missed seeing my cousins and Aunty before they left.
Apparently the rellies hadn’t checked in at 12.30 like they’d planned, and so had been waiting in line for almost an hour. Yay... I got to see my cousins, my aunty, and my uncle. Suraj held my hand all the way from the check in to the international departures, his little hand gripping to mine. When we hugged goodbye he said, “will you miss us?” I whispered. “of course I will”.


Other thoughts: hmm... if anyone is around over the next few weeks then give me a call at Hermil! I’ve got work the week of the 10th – 16th Jan, but otherwise I’m doing nothing. (secret message contained within that sentence: im getting a bit bored and lonely and would love company. So as long as you txt or call first, then I’ll be glad to see you)
I hope everyone has a lovely Christmas, with lots of Jesus, love, family, joy, and happiness.

Happy Birthday, Jesus.

(un)exciting thoughts for the day

Wow! Today we had the longest thunderstorm I think I’ve ever been in! Now, at 4.30, the thunder has been going for an hour and ten minutes!! We had about half an hour of lightning, half an hour of rain, and 10 minutes of hail.
Oops... the lightning has just returned - spoke too soon!

Funny story – I was washing the dishes about 3.45 and my internal monologue (well really it was my internal monologue and myself – so more like my internal dialogue) was running through what I was going to post on my blog, and I said to myself "This thunder has been going for half an hour! Don’t worry, I’m not stupid enough to leave the computer on in an electrical storm – its okay cos there hasn’t been any lightning." And just as I said that, the first flash of lightning lit up the sky. I made a mad dash for the computer to switch it off... always better to be safe than sorry :)

Hmm… so what exciting things (no more whinging and grumping!) can I post about today?
-Well... I’ve just been picking blackcurrants, so that was cool. There were heaps on the bush.
(Okay so the thunder and lightning have finally stopped, but now it’s raining!! I managed to rescue 3 people’s washing from the rain today :) )
-I bought what I think is the latest album by Delirious yesterday, World Service. Its got my favourite song, Inside Outside, on it, as well as Majesty, God in Heaven, and the other songs are pretty cool too. Manna Christian booktore is a menace to my health, I tell you!! Once I walk in the door I can’t leave without spending waaaay too much money! (I also bought Kutless’ Sea of Faces, and Lee Strobel’s book ‘the case for faith’)
-People with blue eyes and dark brown hair (scientifically termed as ‘crossovers’) are cool. In fact, its now official that they are the most attractive people.
[er, just to clarify, i’m not in love with anyone with dark hair and blue eyes, just I’ve always considered us a superior form of human and haven’t known many of us until now when I know about .. hmm... um... five I think] [more if you count people like Orlando Bloom and Courtney Cox (which I’m not)]
[also in clarification, ‘official’ doesn’t actually mean official.]
-I think I get Asthma from perfume... I’ve often wondered about it, but haven’t worn perfume for aaaaages, so just forgot that it was a possibility. However, I am drenched in Yves Saint Laurent’s Baby Doll and it smells nice (even if i am struggling to breathe) (no, i jest. It's not that bad)
-I’ve done two lots of dishes today. I feel helpful.
-I bought 6 pairs of underwear yesterday. And 3 pairs are pink... he he, I am the new Ruth! (when I hung my washing out before there was just so much pink! Socks, undies, a t-shirt, and another top)
-Rain is fun... even when its really cold.
-Every night before biking home from work, my Dad calls my mum. She often likes him to get things at the supermarket on the way home. I think its cool that he calls every night.
-Hermil’s landlady is a strange, strange lady... I talked to her on the phone for 19 minutes last night, and she said some weird things. Basically she thinks the gardener, a truly lazy git, is fantastic. She’s absolutely sooo enamoured with him. Everytime we complain about how he gets $10 a week for one hours work when most of the time he doesn’t turn up, and the rest of the time he doesn’t stay for more than about 35 minutes (at most). She just can’t understand that she’s being conned!
He he – she asked me if I had any friends who’d like to rent Hermil. FRIENDS? I wouldn’t even tell my enemies to live there!! She also asked me how much I thought she could get for it next year, and what I’d say the bad things about it were. Hmm… *wry grin* perfect opportunity for a loooong rant!! But I said "ummm… aah… can’t really think of anything off the top of my head. Um… it’s a bit cold". (shirker).

I’m sick of writing a list. Hows about something more exciting. Like something that’s not a list. Time for more coffee. Hmm… how about a story? A nonsense story?
OH WAIT!! First a funny story! I think that at Richard and Emily’s last Saturday I was talking to Paul about dinosaurs and how I don’t like them, and have nightmares about them. And I said to him "I haven’t had any bad dreams about dinosaurs for ages! Maybe I’m over being scared by them!". Well last night (probably more like this morning) I was having a dream, and there were dinosaurs in it, and in the dream I said "I was just telling Paul about you [the dinosaurs] the other day, and see – I was right… this isn’t a scary dream!". And when I woke up I thought about it, and I realised that it actually had been a rather scary dream.
Anyway, I’ve got this theory that reading about things, or seeing them gives me nightmares (eg. Reading articles about Marilyn Manson makes me dream about him trying to kill me). And so yesterday I read a book at Manna (I told you it was bad for my health!!!) about creation and science, and it mentioned dinosaurs. Yup.
Laugh all you want... I don’t care :P I’m bigger and tougher than you anyway!

You realise that now that Sally’s gone home I’m spending most of my time by myself. Hence the need to write needlessly long blog posts about nothing in particular. Wow. I’ve managed to waste an hour writing this!

losing my cool

I have been hanging out to see the stars from my window at Hermil ever since i moved in. Finally, on Monday night I got to see them!! For the past few weeks there has been weirod weather, and often the clouds are a strange salmon pink colour, with no stars to be seen. I've been feeling cheated. But ... the moment of truth has finally come!! (they weren't as beautiful as stars in Rangiora, or, even better, stars in the country... but they'll do!!)

We had our youth group break up last night. Hmm. It got a bit messy 'cos we were all going down to the beach to play capture the flag, but then all these random youth group kids all piled into their own cars, and most of them were only on restricted licenses! I was like ARGH!! And ran round to no avail, frantically trying to stop this blatant law-breaking from occuring at our youth group. *sigh*
I hate playing good cop, bad cop type stuff, where you have to lay down the law and people really start to hate you :(
Oh er. The other bad thing (for me) that happened was that one of the younger leaders (a guy who's about 17 and who doesn't really do anything as a leader, he just doesn't want to be seen as a youth group 'kid') kept whacking me round the head, and the last time he hit me right where i'd had my tooth taken out. I completely lost my head, whipped round and yelled "PISS OFF, JOEL. JUST STOP HITTING ME, YOU'RE A REAL PAIN" oops. Out of my peripheral i could see about six other leaders plus the youth pastor, and four youth group kids looking at me with their mouths wide open. The room had gone quiet. yup. I just felt so stupid. I mean, 'piss off' ?? I haven't said that for months. I haven't lost my cool like that for ages. The last real time i remember doing something dopey like that was in 7th form English when this south african guy kept hassling me about being a Christian and being a prude, and in the middle of class he just kept going on at me, and i yelled "FUCK OFF, K-----, leave me alone" And promptly burst into tears as the whole room went silent and everyone whipped around to stare shockedly at me, the Christian girl, screaming abuse at somebody.

You see, the reason i'm so distraught about this is that its an area I've struggled with - losing my cool, yelling and swearing at people. I finally thought i was placid, controlled, and able to curb angry impulses. But no. apparently not.
Anyway i don't want to go on about it, but i'm disappointed with myself.

Hmm! Sorry about all the wingeing and grumping of late! I guess there's not much exciting stuff of note happening lately.

grumposaurus rex strikes again!

Ha! And you were thinking "yay! A new post from Michelle!" WELL YOU WERE WRONG!! Its not "yay" at all... its "oh no... there she goes... whingeing again." Enjoy ;P

I hate dentists. I really do. I am NEVER going to marry a dentist. How could I marry a person who inflicts so much pain on others? What other kind of professional that you go and see leaves you bleeding and sore?? EH EH? WHO ELSE, I ASK?!
I had to go get my stitches out today… Drove 35 minutes to the dental surgery, waited 10 minutes, got to go see dentist who, using sharp implements, poked around my ‘hole’ (still tender after just having a tooth PULLED OUT 7 days ago!), snipped the stitches out, then said “have a nice christmas”. HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS? After you’ve just caused my wound that’s finally stopped bleeding to START again? *mumble mumble nice mumble ha ha mumble*

Hmph.
Er. Anyway.
Today I was like the customer from hell. Not nice at all. I hate shopping for things at Christmas time. I had to get more concealer, and so I drove to the bank with Heln. She went to the bank, and I went about 150metres to a chemist. They had testers, but not actual concealer to buy. No one spoke to me, or asked me if I needed assistance. I sighed and decided to enter the labrynth that is Riccarton Mall. WHY IS IT SO LONG!?!?! I entered from um… some street … near the ANZ bank, and had to walk right to the opposite end to find a Chemist. I walked up to the revlon counter, spied the concealer I wanted. And waited. And waited. And waited. I waited while the shop assistant talked on the phone. I waited while another shop assistant came over with some other customers. I pulled my old run-out concealer out of my bag to show that a) I was looking for a certain product, and b) I was ready for assistance. I couldn’t reach the concealer myself because it was behind a counter, tucked away in a corner next to the window, so I decided to find another brand. I found one that I thought looked okay, but I had never seen the product before, so I waited for a sales assistant to come. I looked around many times, to show that I was looking for help. I pasted a confused look on to my face. I peered at the one shop assistant who was within 5 metres of me. Still nobody paid any attention to me. So I sighed and decided to go somewhere else. I walked out of the shop with my old container of concealer visibly in my hand. At least one shop assistant glanced up as I strode off, but I was not questioned about the product clutched in my hand. I stalked down to farmers, and found the revlon counter, got my concealer, and looked for a counter. Time: 2 mins. A counter. A counter. Where could I find a counter? I wandered around the store, and found myself at a Jewellery counter. One girl was doing things with a large basket of silver jewellery, and another shop assistant was dealing with a customer. I glanced around and saw another counter across the store. So I wound my way over there and waited for the man infront of me to be served. A woman came and stood right behind the man, and when he turned to leave she thumped her goods on the counter. Oh, okay. Push in front of me then. Its not like I WAS HERE FIRST. I had told Heln I’d meet her in FIVE MINUTES. This was slowly becoming a large ordeal. I sadly sighed, and threaded my way through the maze that is Farmers and reached another counter. Uh-oh. Four other customers waiting in line. So I go to the Shiseido counter where there is only one woman waiting, with a friend nearby. Or so I thought. Just as I arrive at the counter the woman who I thought was the friend, says “its okay, I don’t mind waiting, you can go first” Hmm. That means I’ll have to wait, but that’s okay, I don’t mind. The first lady gets served, then the shop assistant moves away from her counter to go and deal with the other customer. I look agitated and the customer says “are you in a hurry? You can go before me if you like” to which I say “thankyou so much, yes I am in a hurry.” The shop assistant says “this lady has been waiting, it wont be that long”. The voice in my head is saying to the shop assistant ‘if you didn’t have so many *beep* signs around your store, I wouldn’t have had to walk around your store just to be ignored by your *beep* shop assistants, and pushed in front of by other customers” . I muster all my self-control and say “I realise that, but I have just been ignored by three other shop assistants. All I have got to buy is this one product.” She sighs at this rude customer and serves me. I say “it’s rather hard to find the counters with all the signs hanging in the air everywhere”. Inside, I am fuming. She finishes serving me, I say “thankyou and sorry” to the other woman who has been waiting, and weave my way through the throng of people in the Mall, back to a poor Helen who has wondered what has happened to me.

Hmm… that was poetic, wasn’t it. Well kind of poetic. More like grumpy and whingeing. Er anyway….
I just needed to rant about it for a bit. I have a headache. The stupid dentist place has horrible chairs that really hurt my neck. My mouth tastes like mouldy cheese or something. Stupid not-tooth just festers away. Stay away, all you potential suitors who would wish to kiss me! DANGER!

DANGER! Grump alert. Maybe it’s not just my tooth that is festering, its me.
Whenever I go home (which is where I am right now), I just feel like this horrible lump of bah humbug-gedness and snapishness. My parents pine away for me, I finally come home, and just end up snapping at them. It makes me feel like a big pile of awful daughter-y badness. The day I am able to be nice to my parents, smile at their concernedness, be thankful for the pile of apparently fascinating newspaper articles on my bed, and be grateful that my mother has offered to make me mashed potatoes (“for my tooth”) when she knows that I hate them with a passion (“I thought your flatmates might have coerced you into liking them”) (*sigh*), is truly a day that I will feel like a bigger person.
I know that it should be a two-way street; that my mum should stop trying deliberately to rark me up, and that my parents know what annoys me. But I always feel that I am letting them down when I can’t muster constant pleasantness and un-disagreeableness.

Bah.

Anyway I think I’m bored with writing now, so unless anything truly amazing happens in the next few days, this will probably be all the blogging for the next week or two. Hope all my loyal readers have an awesome Christmas, and I’ll see you if you’re around Chch.
Toodles from the Christmas Grinch (who isn’t really so grinchy as suffering from lack-of-sleep *grin* )

Have pity on me!

I had my second wisdom tooth out yesterday. OUCH!! It's my bottom left one, so i no longer have any wisdom in the bottom of my mouth! Its been hurting quite a bit, and i can barely open my mouth, so eating is a tedious chore!! Sal and Steve (the new couple on the block) had great fun laughing at me while under local anasthetic! I had half a numb face, so couldn't pronounce many words properly. They even made me read some pages from "the Sneetches" by Dr Seuss, cos i couldn't say "sneetch" (strangely enough, that word came up quite a lot in the book)!
Anyway Malcolm is on at Hermil or the new Spleen tonight, not sure which.. Anyone who wants to feed me pureed corn and spoonfeed me soup is VERY WELCOME! In fact...

No, i won't say that. But if your mothers feel sorry for me then send them my way!
In other news, finally a happy "yay" to Sally and Steve.

I have fallen too! I have sparkly eyes!
Not sure if i can explain... might be better to leave you guessing....

Nah, thats too much effort. I have sparkly eyes for Stephania Morales, a 5yr old from Nicaragua who speaks spanish and english, and likes dolls. I really really want to be her sponsor (through World Vision), so Sal and I are thinking about it, and about to ask Ruth if she wants to join in with us... it would only be $10 each per MONTH!!
If anyone else is keen to jointly sponsor a kid next year then email/call me at Hermil and we can arrange something :) In fact... we could have like a whole four or five kids!!

Anyway... i'm sure i have things to do (liar!) If anyone isn't going to Philippa and Tim's wedding this weekend then call me, and we could do something!
Adios Amigos!