boxing day - time for gloves and a ring

I'm a little bit rant-ish at the moment, so sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense.
I just don't understand what makes my mother act the way she does sometimes. I thought things were looking up; that she hadn't had 'an episode' for ages, so things must be better. All my life i've wondered what it would be like to have the sort of mother i've always wanted. One who asks you how your day at school was, one who cares about boys you like, and tiffs you've had with your girl buddies, a mother who hugs and kisses you. A mother who sits beside you on the couch and talks about problems or shares secrets.
Not one who sometimes threw things and yelled and screamed and hit, or threatened to kill herself or run away. Not one who told you that it was all your fault, and you'd be responsible for her ending up in hospital. Not one who pushed you away when you tried to hug her. Not one who started screaming because your Dad didn't write on her Christmas present.

I thought we were over this.
There was a patch when it happened all the time. And it gets bad just before mum and dad go on holiday together. Mum also gets very stressed out over tiny little things - like that my brother didn't give her a christmas card.
It just feels like i'm dealing with a child sometimes. A resentful, immature, deliberately awkward teenager. *sigh*
How can you reason with someone, or state your case when they leave a letter that is grossly exaggerated and so grasping at straws.

So anyway Dad and I arrived home from church this morning to find mum gone, and a note left that expressed why she was upset. Basically because
-Dad hadn't written a note on her christmas present
-brother hadn't given her a card
-i had asked how to set the table, when i'm 20years old and should know how.
-for her birthday she'd been given 3 crossword books
i can't remember the rest, but it was mostly pretty unreasonable.

It just makes me so mad. Why didn't she deal with this years ago? Go talk over her issues with a church counsellor or friend? why does it all have to get lumped on us?

Argh. i just don't know. Why do I have to have this? My poor dad.
I was thinking about this while i picked blackcurrants - i think this is why i'm scared of commitment - that i'm worried i'm going to turn into a dragon lady who is unstable and nuts. And some poor guy will be stuck with that. Poor poor idiot. What did he get himself into?

[ I think its important to add that I love my Mum, and i think she loves me. I do not deserve pity, as the things that went on for us are nowhere near as bad as other people have them. I just want to make it clear that yes i do wish things had been different, but I don't want to wallow, or make things out to be worse than they were/are. Sometimes things blow up, but most of the time things are ok =) ]