losing my cool
I have been hanging out to see the stars from my window at Hermil ever since i moved in. Finally, on Monday night I got to see them!! For the past few weeks there has been weirod weather, and often the clouds are a strange salmon pink colour, with no stars to be seen. I've been feeling cheated. But ... the moment of truth has finally come!! (they weren't as beautiful as stars in Rangiora, or, even better, stars in the country... but they'll do!!)
We had our youth group break up last night. Hmm. It got a bit messy 'cos we were all going down to the beach to play capture the flag, but then all these random youth group kids all piled into their own cars, and most of them were only on restricted licenses! I was like ARGH!! And ran round to no avail, frantically trying to stop this blatant law-breaking from occuring at our youth group. *sigh*
I hate playing good cop, bad cop type stuff, where you have to lay down the law and people really start to hate you :(
Oh er. The other bad thing (for me) that happened was that one of the younger leaders (a guy who's about 17 and who doesn't really do anything as a leader, he just doesn't want to be seen as a youth group 'kid') kept whacking me round the head, and the last time he hit me right where i'd had my tooth taken out. I completely lost my head, whipped round and yelled "PISS OFF, JOEL. JUST STOP HITTING ME, YOU'RE A REAL PAIN" oops. Out of my peripheral i could see about six other leaders plus the youth pastor, and four youth group kids looking at me with their mouths wide open. The room had gone quiet. yup. I just felt so stupid. I mean, 'piss off' ?? I haven't said that for months. I haven't lost my cool like that for ages. The last real time i remember doing something dopey like that was in 7th form English when this south african guy kept hassling me about being a Christian and being a prude, and in the middle of class he just kept going on at me, and i yelled "FUCK OFF, K-----, leave me alone" And promptly burst into tears as the whole room went silent and everyone whipped around to stare shockedly at me, the Christian girl, screaming abuse at somebody.
You see, the reason i'm so distraught about this is that its an area I've struggled with - losing my cool, yelling and swearing at people. I finally thought i was placid, controlled, and able to curb angry impulses. But no. apparently not.
Anyway i don't want to go on about it, but i'm disappointed with myself.
Hmm! Sorry about all the wingeing and grumping of late! I guess there's not much exciting stuff of note happening lately.
3 Comments:
Hey there =)
It's me, once again visiting the blogging arena after a long vacation from blogging. I can kinda empathise with ya, old habits die hard, as they say.
But that's all they are, habits. And we only change habits by making new ones... but that takes lots of time. The most important thing is our attitude towards our action(s)... if in our hearts we want to change, we eventually will. Doesn't mean that we won't mess up from time to time. But we start to see bad things for what they are when they become less and less of a habit, and we find them easier and easier to avoid, or so I've found.
So I wouldn't cut yourself up about it. You're hearts still going the right way, so your actions will follow. Incidentally, I think being angered by someone repeatedly hitting you is hardly a bad response. Perhaps you should have just made it clearer sooner (before you lost your cool) instead of saving it up and exploding at him. Course, you may have done that, in which case it's difficult.
Anyway, I'm trying to say that our character is just the sum of our choices. We always have a choice, and being of good character just means you choose well most of the time.
Hmmm... Hope that was kinda helpful... =)
James 3 says a lot about the tongue. Don't be surprised if you can't control it at times, but do keep working.
Remember, lapse doesn't have to mean relapse
Hey so, in Bangkok, you can't see stars ever coz there's so much smog. So yeah, I feel your pain. And it looks like it might be a while before they appear over Christchurch again. Heh, that's why I love flying so much - coz you get to go way up above the clouds and realize that up there it's still sunny; you just can't see it from below. [forgive me, I get very sentimental about flying, and have just had my biggest ever flying fix!]
Anyway, lots of love and friendly thoughts are directed your way at this moment. Hopefully they'll reach you about the time you read this :)
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