Yeah, so I'm a nasty liar. I wrote that post in all seriousness, then this morning realised that the one thing I wanted to do more than anything else was post about really personal stuff, lol. Guess you can take the girl outa the blog, but you can never take the blog outa the girl! (i'm sure that makes sense *somehow*)
If you often peruse my blog, but when you see a long post you get put off and leave, then I think you should read this post, even if it is long.
Over the past 7 years I have had mild depression. I've had major episodes a few times, most notably being in Form 2 when my best friend shafted me (the start of all the depression to follow), and later when my other best friend moved away, later in 4th form when my 2 [new] best friends shafted me, in 5th form when I got stressed about youth group and exams, possibly in 7th form when I was worried about what would come after finishing school, possibly over Ben in 1st and 2nd year, And numerous short periods over the last 14 months.
The past 3 days have been particularly bad, before which I was thinking things were great, then this massive cloud came!
Usually when I get very depressed I don't quite know why, often I feel worthless and lonely, even when its unjustified. This was the case over the weekend.
I worked out last night that it is actually perfectly explainable: my 3 close friends last year, were Helen, Estie, and Ruth. Helen is in England, Estie is in China, and Ruth is flatting with me (proximity), but is currently in Dunedin. I was also close to Dan and Haley last year. Dan has been in Australia for 2+months, and since moving from Rangiora, I've left the church that Haley and I attended. Also, over the past few years my Aunty Diane has been like a second mother to me, and in December last year, she moved to Australia.
[Loss of close friends/family is a leading cause of depression] Interestingly, my Grandmother, my mother, and both my Aunty's and Uncle have all had depression.
[genetics plays a part in depression] In addition to all that, I moved out of home in November, and moved again in February.
[Moving house is another leading cause] Another thing that should be noted is that Bill died last year, the first time someone close-ish to me had died.
[Yet again, a common cause of depressive episodes]Episodes of Major Depression can be identified through a person having 1) Depressed mood, and 2) lack of interest in most activities. A person with this type of depression would experience 5+ out of the 9 following symptoms:
# depressed mood
# loss of interest
# significant weight loss or gain
# trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
# restless feelings and inability to sit still or slow down
# fatigue, loss of energy, or tired all the time
# worthless or guilty feelings
# impaired concentration and difficulty making decisions
# recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
(http://www.depression.realage.com/content.aspx/topic/4)
I have had lots of those over the past while. Also, my weight is pretty steady, and in the last 1-2 weeks I've lost 3-4kgs. I'm now 53kgs which is equal with the least i've weighed in the past 6 years. I've also had trouble eating lately, and have felt sick after eating many usual foods. Below is the grand total of all I ate all weekend:
-5.5 pieces of toast
-2 kiwifruit
-1 3cm mandarin
-2 small pieces of ginger crunch
-a 4cm piece of belgian slice
-1 weetbix
Thats heaps less than I would usually eat, perhaps a third to a quarter of general weekend consumption.
Anyway, yesterday I had a pretty bung day, I decided to go to NWNL church again. I sat in a row alone (with empty seats next to me) for 15 minutes, and only one person (Cameron, whom I already know)(but Thanks Cam) talked to me. I realised that I've been there for 6 weeks, and the Pastor introduced himself but thats all. Nobody else has said anything. Its been similar at Navs, where I've been all this term, and once last term. I've only met 3 people I didn't already know. Anyway once I remembered this (while sitting in NWNL church) I began to get ready to cry, and didn't want to start bawling in church, so I ran out.
It was just one of those days where your eyes keep welling up with tears, and you feel a real jackass for not being able to control your feelings...
Anyway enough of the drivel!
I did a lot of thinking yesterday, and decided that I would talk to someone about everything, because 7 years of depressive periods is quite a time. I also thought about ways that I could manage things myself, so Ray and I are getting some special food that I will eat this week, I am going to make an effort to exercise or go to the gym, I'm gonna stop putting unrealistic expectations on people (Public apology to Nato and Adam), etc etc.
The thing that always seems so weird is that the morning brings a new day. No matter how things feel at night, with the morning comes a new start, and everything seems fresh and 'back to normal'. So today, I'm relatively sweet, and am comfortable talking about it!
Yeah. I think that's about all i have to say to that! I'll leave you with a verse
Psalms 30v5 Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning
Psalm 31v3-5, 22
In you, O Lord, I put my trust;
Bow down your ear to me,
Deliver me speedily;
Be my rock of refuge,
A fortress of defense to save me
For you are my rock and my fortress;
Lead me and guide me.
Pull me out of the net..
For you are my strength.
Into my hand I commit my spirit;
You have redeemed me, O Lord God of truth.
You heard the voice of my supplications
When I cried out to you
