i'm scared....

I'm scared. I feel like Adrian Plass when he went through his 'i dont want to die' phase! For me personally, i'm not afraid of dying, i believe firmly in the risen Lord. But for my Bill. He has cancer, and it keeps going away, then coming back again. He also believes in the hope we have for eternal life... but i don't want him to go!
His daughter, Julie, is about 5 years older than me, and she used to take my cell group, at the family house where she flatted with two friends. Bill and his wife were in MMM, an organisation where you live in caravans and travel to different churches helping with maintenance, etc. When they were home between missions he would harass me about my driving, as i would get to drive to or from cell group with the 'L' plates up. He always joked about being scared of the letterbox or curb getting taken out! When i got my restricted licence he nicknamed me 'crash'.... (i have never even come close to crashing! i am the world's best driver!) (just like everyone else)
When his daughter got married last year i helped clean the hall afterwards, and took him outside to show him my new car... He was a bit teary at the loss of his daughter to another man *wink* and he said "what will i do!! I'll have to look after YOU now" (or something to that effect) and he gave me a hug. (argh! pull yourself together, Walker... tears are for the weak!)
Recently we had a prayer vigil for him, with people signing up to pray around the clock for his healing. His cancer got better and he and his wife headed away again on a mission. Within a week he had to come back to Christchurch to the hospital.
This morning in church, 2 people were praying for him up the front, and as i looked up, between songs, more and more people drifted up to join in praying, until about 10 people surrounded him. And it hit me.

I don't want him to die. I adore him. I have so much love for him... i care so much, but do we ever tell people that?
I think we should start. Who cares if we feel like a twaddle for giving someone a wee note saying we're thinking about them, or leave a gift in their letterbox?
What the world needs more of is people showing love for one another. Showing kindness and care and thoughtfulness.
I think i'm gonna write my Bill a letter and tell him that he makes a great honorary uncle, and that i love him =) that he IS appreciated.

But i'm still scared. What will i do without him....

take THAT tyra banks

okay... i've decided i like my blog again. I kinda wasn't speaking to it for a while because i was annoyed at how honest it was making me be. I never intended to reveal so much of my heart and my life on the internet!!!
I am speechless (almost... you all know it would take a lot to completely rid me of speech!) after watching "America's next top model"
I just wanna make that noise that disgruntled teenage girls make... the one where you tell them that they can't leave youth group to have a smoke... its kinda this outraged gasp, goes with open mouth and raised eyebrows ..um... *agh* (hopefully you know what i mean)
Anyway, on this model program, there were 12 girls vying to be a supermodel, and their first assignment was to get naked and be painted with bodypaint. And get photographed, and pose with naked males. Awesome first assignment. *sardonic snort* (sarcasm, that was)
And this one girl is married, with a son, and a christian. And she wasn't comfortable with it, so she refused. And the male photographer very kindly offered to air brush the finished pictures so you couldnt see any you-know, and to make sure she had a robe. Very nice of him, wouldnt you agree? But she wouldn't do it.
And the next day when all the girls had to go see the 4 judges did they ever give her hell. As soon as she walked into the room they abused her. One of them said in this nasty voice, "is it your religion?". and they were really rude to her. Called her a plus-size model (she is smaller than me, and im not overweight), and said she had an attitude problem. I was mucho angry. And in the end, they decided to get rid of her. Because she actually had morals and standards... (go to Nathans blog for more discussion on morals)
Anyways, this girl maintained that her body was for her husband, not for the whole world to see. She told the judges that she will always endeavour to be Christ-like, which they snorted at. But i'm damn proud of her. Who cares if some small-minded people can't accept that somebody can have decent standards and a goal of purity? One little New zealand girl sees her as a 'top model' even if no one else does. =)

hoh hoh hoh! *twirls her moustachio*

ha! i just wanted to write a quick blog to laugh at you all!! Little do you know that i am sitting here at my computer with a fluorescent pink playdoh moustache balanced between my nose and upper lip.
If you havent seen/touched/smelt playdoh for years, go out and buy some.... its only $2.99 a pottle here at the warehouse New zealand... and its well worth it...
the smell brings back memories... and peace... and lifts the heart!
and when you play with it you feel like a fascinated kid again!

go get some playdough
or take a walk through the pretty autumn leaves
or feed the duckies

creative worship!! =)

doubts

its interesting how the mind works... (eh Nathan?!) how one minute you're so psyched up about something, then the next minute upset about it....
The other day i was so passionate about my dream, and so convinced that it would come to pass. Last night i was so worried, because i could see it slipping through my fingers.
i worked out that i spend between $35 and $40 on petrol in a week.. A WEEK!! and then i got kind of sad cos i had only $15 left in my bank account and i had to pay $30 car insurance, and $20 on a layby (the good part is that i got paid today, so i have enough, and my mum gave me petrol vouchers and i didnt even tell her i was worried about money)
but i realised that it takes money to go overseas... and i've wanted for so long to go on my OE the year after i finish uni.... but with what? you can't pay a plane ticket with knowledge...
Its been my dream since i was about 16... to go to France, firstly... and be in Gallipoli for ANZAC day, and go to WW1/2 historic sites in germany/france, to be in germany for the world cup 2006... but i cant get there without money!!
And the other thing that i was really worried about was that im having trouble with my uni work... i know exams are coming up too... and im not very good with exams! I can have studied for days and just have total mind blank when i sit down with the exam in front of me! So my mind was going all weird cos it was worried that i wont pass my courses, then i wont have a degree... and maybe, even if i do get my BA, maybe i wont be able to get a job anyway. Maybe its not even worth me being at uni at all.... maybe i'd be better off not aiming so high?

I mean, i know God has a good future in store for me, hes got a great destiny and purpose for me, but im still worried that i'm not doing it right, or that i've got it all round the wrong way, or that i thought id figured it all out and maybe i havent really at all.

rape and yoga.....

I just wanted to ask two quick questions: this first one is really hard.... if you were a christian, or your daughter/wife whatever was... and you/she got raped... would you take the morning after pill or have an abortion? Or would you have the baby and give it up for adoption? or would you keep it?
My mum had a friend staying over for monday and tuesday nights, and her daughter was raped. And she took her to have the morning after pill... and it really made me think, cos i've always been strongly against anything to do with killing the cell, but maybe if it actually happened you'd act differently??

And the other thing was... this guy "accosted" me today, and asked me if i was a good student? (what does that mean?) (he said i looked like a good student anyway)and had i heard of yoga? and stress? (a student? heard of stress??!!!) and he was saying that like boyfriends (had i had boyfriends?) (i lied and said yeah, many) cloud up your mind, but when you go to study your mind is clear and you focus (really? when has that ever happened to me?) and he was saying that meditation and yoga clears your mind so you can focus. And yoga is actually about more than just the exercises (did i know that?) and involves spiritual stuff (yes, id heard about that, i said) and he gave me this book... if i wanted it.... (for a small donation) (i said "i have $2 in my pocket, thats all i've got") and he said for $2 i can give you this other book... and pulls out this tiny thing, about a 5th of the size of the other , lol! and he thought he had this great victory, and i thought I had the great victory, cos now i can tell people that its true - yoga IS about calling on the spiritual realm ===== BAD.
But as i was walking away... i felt sad... cos i was gonna lay it to him about God... and how i dont focus on nothing to help me study, how i focus on Gods love through his son Jesus' death, and Gods unconditional love for little old me....
but i didnt say it.... and it felt strange to turn around and go back to say something. so i didnt.
should i have?

duckies

today is all about duckies. No heavy stuff. no confessions. no offloading!!
I just saw the tiniest little ducky-wuckies swimming in the pond next to the big campus library. They were so small and precious.... and the yellow on their wings was so bright it was almost green...
oh i love duckies so much! My friend Joy has just challenged me as to whether i like duckies or squirrels more... and it was a jolly hard decision... but i think the duckies won out! And if you know how much i like squirrels then you will be impressed!

So todays thoughts are all light and fluffy and happy.... so if you're reading this? think of your favourite thing..... right now... keep thinking.... *aah!* doesn't that feel good :)

THANK YOU, GOD, FOR DUCKIES!!!

busy-ness = bad!!

Massive revelation. And I don’t want to sound self-righteous… but its amazing sometimes how you can see things in other people that they cant see in themselves. Like my mother’s going to a ladies camp next weekend and she was saying she thinks there haven’t been that many women enroll cos the speaker is talking about evangelism.
Also, she herself (my mother) is concerned because she doesn’t want to get involved in something that she doesn’t have the time for…. Doesn’t want to be any more busy than she already is…
Is anyone else getting the subtlety here?? What is one of Satan’s most effective methods in getting to christians? Instead of getting them to commit outright sin, he just creates busyness. Ooh.. I don’t have time to talk to that person about christianity, I have to get to my women’s group. Oh wait, I can’t go to the youth leadership conference, cos I have to work to earn money for new clothes. Sure you gotta get pastored yourself, and you’ve gotta have clothes to wear. But is that helping to blind us from real need? Offering us an excuse to not do God’s real work? Go out into all the world and preach the good news about Jesus Christ. Oh but I need to do the housework at home. I just don’t have enough time.
Arrrr………!!!
I’m not speaking from a holier than thou perspective, of course its something I battle with too… I am a youth group leader, but this week I have an essay to do, so I will have coffee for an hour during the day, with my christian friend and discuss balldresses, but I have to spend tonight writing the essay, instead of reaching unsaved kids….

Complicated choice? Or simply a matter of priorities?
Yes, of course its priorities we say, I need a degree to get a good job! I don’t really have enough time to go to youth group, or evangelise to young mothers, I’m too busy.
Yes, of course its priorities…. I will still get to heaven, a christian, with my degree, and with a clean house. But will they get to heaven if nobody tells them the news about their saviour?

me when i am real

Erm............ i just wanted to say......... that i've noticed a lot of my bloggy rantings make me seem like a disturbed induhvidual..... but lemme speak in my defence.
Yeah i battled through depression from age 13 to 16, and tried to kill myself late 2000,
Yeah, i battled with sex addiction, with pornography, and my sexuality
Yeah, i had a hard time for a wee while last year, and tried it out with a guy who was against what i stand for

But in between all the bad, God's always been at work in my life. I've grown up in a christian family, and have always believed in God, and my saviour Jesus. The first proper time i gave my life to him was when i was 5 or 6 years old. And the time i recommitted seriously was Christmas 1999. But through that time i was still learning about God. I always hung on. Sometimes i was right in the boat, as the storm raged, other times i was in the water, gripping on with slipping fingers... but i never left the boat. My sixth form year was good prayer-wise. All through the day i prayed... and i was baptised, and was really 'on fire'. I've taught sunday school, youth group, been to easter camps, and youth leadership training conferences, done alpha, been baptised in the holy spirit. And when i look back now... the bad times were only a small fraction... what God was doing in my life all along was amazing. It blows my mind. The evidence of his hand in my life, building me up from a young age, equipping me, strengthening me, giving me gifts of compassion, grace, love, and acceptance...
By the time i got to university i still didn't have a clear dream for my life. Everyone else had a purpose and a destiny.. but i didn't. I didn't want to go to university, but i went anyway, intending to be a translator; majoring in french.... I had no passions, no dreams.... And somewhere in the middle of my meandering along, God was weaving his path, his plan, his purpose.
Now, the dream is as clear as a bell. I cannot spend a day without thinking about it. My degree is now aiming for political science, and development issues. I want to work with the third world. Whether its implementing a community development programme with World Vision, or working in an orphanage with SIM... the dream is there.
A lot of the things that happened in my life the people around me didn't even know about, didn't notice, i kept it all inside. Now i have to talk about it. Share what God has done.
My faith is stronger than ever before. My relationship is deeper. My dream has been revealed. My personality and character are developed. What i have been through was not bad luck or just life. It was a trial, a test to strengthen me, to prepare me for what lies ahead. They didn't last for long in relation to my life so far, but they were big issues. I've spent far more time happy than sad, strong than weak. But its through my weakness that my strength has developed...

If you're reading this, i'd love for you to hunt down some of my favourite songs, and soak in the message they give you
-Fathers child - detour 180
-God, you're amazing - satellite
-love me more, Africa - paul colman trio
-Free, To the Ends of the Earth, take all of me - Hillsong United
-if i - strange celebrity
-you are holy – planet shakers
-Beautiful – the Kry
-Holy - Nichole Nordeman
-i need you - jars of clay
-Consume Me - dcTalk
-Heaven – Reuben Morgan (Hillsong)
-Refine Me, Breathe on Me, Say wont you say – Jennifer Knapp (jen is great for making you realise that you’re stumbling and sinful, but also for making you realise that we are only saved by the amazing grace and love of God!!)

beginner rant

ahoy mateys! actually i dont know if anyone truly reads these... but if you do, you'll have to wait for the real stuff. Apparently blogging is to reveal your heart... to strangers... over the internet... so thats gonna take me a wee while to get used to - so dont expect any heart-stuff for a while....!!!

you know whats really uncomfortable? having your foot stuck up on the computer desk next to you... i feel like a contortionist... i played indoor soccer tonite.. not the nice kind where you're in an indoor cricket net... or the kind where you play for 10 minutes each way... the kind where you have a whole basketball court... and play for 18 minutes each &have 4 minutes to rest in between. Now i'm not saying i'm the anti-fit or anything (rather close though) but i hit my peak at 10 minutes... and was rather an asset to the opposition team after that. I also hurt my foot... dont ask me to tell you about it.. i dont really do feet... so like its somewhere in the middle of my foot... and i think its a bone-thing. yep. thats about it.

Hmm.. well i think thats enuff heart-offloading for one day... so i'm off to do some 'work' ... and if anyone actually DOES read these... i shall ask a question, and feel freeeee to answer :)
if an alien spaceship landed in your backyard, what would the aliens do, and how would you react?