Lucky Dip Love Rant... Kelly!

I need to procrastinate bad! So i've devised a new scheme... its called the Lucky Dip Love Rant. Every now and then im gonna completely randomly unbiasedly and nonpartialy draw a name. And then i shall proceed to say nice things about that person for a while. Although in this case it will be kinda short, cos this essay, though extremely last minute, is one of the better ones i've written this year.

Kelly-
You are who i've "randomly selected" today. Hah! I lie. I didnt randomly select you at all. I chose you. Yup. I CHOSE YOU!! Yay!

Kelly (let me start again)
Your eyes are like dew, quivvering on the freshest spring rose
Yus... you have lovely quivvery eyes, that threaten to overflow with love. When you look at me, your eyes wobble. They are so bright and clear that i can *see* the love you have reflected there. Im glad you love me (finally). I like your hugs. They are not bear-ish, but they are long, long like the hair of a person who never cuts their hair.
I really appreciate your friendship. Like crushed fish to a kettle, you are to me. Oh i do not know how i could live without you near. No man (woman) hath better love than he (she) who loveth squirrels for his (her) friend.
You is beautiful. Big dark eyes. Big dark hair. Big white smile...
You is so lovely, my Kelly.

more better friends than anyone else!

And big big thanks to those of you that have helped me through this... some of you know that this was such a time of darkness for me, and an event that really guttered me. Most of you wont know that, cos i was trying to be staunch about it, but i spend many hours weeping over lost chances and the end of seeing a friend.
Biggest thanks to God, of course, for the Holy Spirit, my comforter, Jesus, my friend, and for being an awesome father with a giant knee...
Thanks also to Mike and Fraser for being there, and to Ruth for hugs.
You guys are awesome :)

And thanks also to everyone who was praying for me today... It means a lot =)

the peace of God that passes all understanding

Freedom is a nice feeling =) Peace has come and my heart has stilled. I feel so good right now... Bills funeral was this afternoon, and i had been considering not going, but i thought i'd like to show i cared by being there. There were a lot of people; one of the biggest funerals i've been to. The thing i like about Christian funerals is that they are usually a celebration of the deceased person's life, and more about enjoying the good times you had, rather than dwelling on the sadness of the loss. So there were about 5 people who got up to give talks about knowing Bill, which was really great... and they gave a glimpse into who Bill was and what made him tick (usually playing jokes on people or making dry comments). So that was a happy time, which made me smile... i thought i was doing well though, with no sniffles even, until the prayer at the end and when the casket was taken out. When i cry i dont leak, i sob. Yup. Luckily i had my aunty next to me to hold me, heh heh!! But when i realised my nose was about to run on her clean blouse i stopped :) But its all good, that was the release that was needed so i'm glad i went!

I kinda thought maybe blogging was over for me, but now that this is all dealt with i see its not :)
So to post some things that i've thought about lately, but didnt post
- i've started going back to the gym!!! Yay! I've been twice in one week with Estie, so that was really great :) After over 5 months of not going it feels so good to be back into it!
-CU camp was awesome (well the tiny bit i experienced) the boys and i played commandos with arrows made from iceplant and grass... and it felt good!! i wish i had done stuff like that when i was a boy! Well not 'when' exactly, but 'if. Well maybe even as a little girl it would have been fun? I think i was more into dollies and playing 'mothers and fathers'.
-He he - today at the funeral i met the mother of a boy i went to school with! They moved away when we were about 6 or 7, and the only memory i have of the boy is that i've seen him naked. I think? For some strange reason, all these years thats all i remember about him. (not the actual seeing him naked, that would be weird!) erm.. moving along
-I dont want to post warm fuzzies specifically about people, like Jess, but i do want to mention, like Mike, that you guys are so awesome. And i am so priviledged to be surrounded by a totally squirrelific bunch of godly, fun guys, and god-fearing, hot chicks! Man you guys rock my socks off! *oh no! where have my socks gone?* *coughs loudly*

Okay, well there was heaps more than that, but like usual right when i sit down to post it i forget it! So i will go back to concentrating on my essay!

Bill

Thankyou God for the chance to live this life; to feel, to think, to experience
Thankyou God for your sacrifice, so death could bring us pleasure
Thankyou God for the choice - to follow you, to live for you, to proclaim you
An eternity with you... that would truly be heaven.

Thanks God, that you gave me the chance to experience Bill and who he was. It was great to be a part of his life, and i really value that. He meant a lot to me God, and im grateful for the pleasure he was. For the fun times, for the sharing, for the dedication, for the cause.
I'm so sorry for not doing what i said i would. For telling him how much i care. You gave me a week; plenty of time. Still i fumbled on. Tomorrow doesn't always come, there's not always a second chance. But i know that its in your hands.
What should be implicit does need to be said, and love should be expressed.
These regrets i guess, will plague me forever, but i know your healing hand. I pray that your comfort was with my Bill, and that he's now wrapped up in your arms.

God there's nothing i can do but praise you, for death is nothing to be feared.
Im glad that you listen to my prayers, desperate and foolish as they are.
I'm sorry.
But thankyou for the life that i was able to be part of.
Mighty King.

Why so downcast oh my soul?

Psalm 8:3-4 When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?

Psalm 16:7-8 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Psalm 18:2-3 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.

Psalm 18:28 You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.

Psalm 19:1 The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.
Psalm 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
Psalms 34:7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.
Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Psalm 42:1 As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
Psalm 42:2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?

Psalm 43:3 Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell.
Psalm 43:5-6 Why are you downcast, Oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God.

Why are you downcast, Oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Yeah. So my Bill, who i posted about a wee while ago is apparently in a coma. I think the end is near.
Im feeling really selfish - i dont want Bill to die! He has an awesome future waiting for him... but i'm still sad...
Is it ok to feel like that? Or should i be happy that its finally finished? Help.

You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.

Qualities revised =)

Okay, i've been thinking some more (blush) about this "qualities in the opposite sex" thing. With help from Mike and Fraser, i'd like to share an idea i've had.

I think we're always taught to have qualities that we look for in the opposite sex. For example, as a girl i should be looking for a guy who is committed to God, striving to further his relationship with the King of Kings, likes to have fun, but is serious when necessary, etc...
For me, i've always thought that i'd love a guy who was really passionate about Jesus and had a silly sense of humour. Perhaps the reason for this is that those are things i admire in myself?
Which leads me to the idea i had a few minutes ago.

*tension-building music*

We should have a list of "qualities" that we are looking for in another person, but this list should be comprised of things that the other person fulfils in us.

I know that sounds a little selfish, but if you look at the idea of marriage being two halves of a whole, or the other person 'completing' you, making you a better you, then this idea is a good one.
I remember once reading a MSN personals ad that was a girl looking for "a guy who will make me the best ME i can be" (or something like that) And i thought, man... that sounds really selfish. This relationship is all about ME and how I can be bettered.
But in a way that is true. Marriage is designed to bring out the best in us- the other person will compliment us, encourage us to be all that we can be, inspire us to deepen our relationship with God, and challenge us to go further.

I think that when we look at it from this perspective, it becomes easier to see what is trivial and what is important when you're considering a future partner.

I've only discovered this idea about half an hour ago, so i'm still working on it. I also think that you should prayerfully consider what should be on your list, and what is not important...
However, i've known some of this stuff for ages, without subconsciously recognising it... so heres what i think i've come up with:
1. A guy who is as committed to and passionate about God as I am. Someone who wholeheartedly desires to be godly and a good example of Christ.
(this probably means someone who is pentecostal, as this is the style of church that defines me, so it would be best to have a guy who is into something similar)
2. Someone who values and treasures my passions
-Africa and the 3rd world
-Politics
-Simple childlike things eg Duckies and squirrels and playgrounds
-languages
3. Someone who will support my plans for the future, re. missions overseas and in NZ
4. Someone who shares a love for other people, and is willing to open their home or counsel others when needed.

There... thats the basic idea. But i really like it! Those of you who read this will probably think "duh, i've known that for ages" ... but i had never thought of it like that before!!
The things that are important in making you who you are should be things the other person recognises and encourages. Thats probably all the qualities you need look for!
(and by 'look for' i dont mean like get out there with your notebook and write down all the good things you're seeing in other people, i just mean that when something comes along, you can refer to the qualities for guidance)

Still, like always, i need feedback on this, so i'd like to hear your ideas :) Hopefully i will find something else to think about soon so i can stop making you all think about relationships for the billionth time!!

(By the way - i want to make it clear that i believe all these qualities should be reciprocal. You should equally expand and encourage and inspire the other person to be all that they can be...)

ponderings about boys (how predictable)

hmm... a few things all in one post - just to annoy you all!
Welcome to Stevo... he gave in to the blogging pressure weeks ago and only just crumbled and told us!! Hi Steve!! *waves frantically* And ... wait for it.... I got first comment!!!! YAY!!

Secondly, what do you guys think about having a sign? Lemme explain myself better... for instance if you say "the day that someone does x, i will know that they are the right person for me". I dont mean totally seriously... but does anyone ever do that? I remember having this talk with a Hermil girl and she said "dont have a sign!! i had one and it came true!" (as in - someone actually did x and it wasn't necessarily a someone she was interested in i guess) Actually now that i've said it it sounds really weird.

I guess i'm gonna have to tell you....
I have always wished to be called 'walker' like to be walking along and hear "WALKER" yelled out and know its me someone's calling. I like the nickname so much ive decided i want my future husband to refer to me as Walker (occasionally), and my sign was that the person who called me Walker was the one (well one of the ones) cos consequently he would be someone who had gotten to know all the strange little things about me. (Yes, i AM weird, but you all know that.) Anyway, up until like this year there have only been two people that have ever called me Walker. These two people are Estie (who i love so much) and a guy from my highschool who is really weird.
But, this morning a guy that i really liked called me Walker. And then i felt like an idiot for having the whole sign thing. So i've decided to scrap it and never think about it again, except to laugh at it. But i felt like i needed to tell people about it. Not so you can all laugh at me for being a right dork, but just cos its funny how we get these silly ideas and let them become reality.

I guess another example is how i decided that i wanted a husband who was ticklish. Cos then we could be silly together. But like if i found a really great guy that just wasnt ticklish... would that actually influence my decision in any way? What kind of strange husband qualification is that anyway- must be ticklish?

Anyways, just wanted to ponder the weirdness of myself/human nature again...

I dont want to post too much about this, cos im one of those people that dont talk about stuff like this cos it feels like you're making something of nothing. Or if you actually admit it, then you've made it real. As opposed to it just being a silly pondering of your mind.
Anyway, i really like this guy... I've liked him for about 4 years. Yeah. sad eh!! I dont think he likes me, which is a bummer... but i really really like him. And its getting to the point where its corrupting my sleep!! Nooo!! Everyone knows my sleep is sacred!!
But i was thinking the other night - 2 big issues i have. If anything ever did happen with this guy (Which i really doubt), his father died 5 years ago, so he's only got a mother, and his family are dutch.
I've always wished for an awesome in-law family. With you know a mum and a dad and brothers/sisters.... and a whole other extended family to get to know.
I'm also a little scared of this guy's family, especially the dutch relatives. I've stayed with both grandparents and they, and his mother, are all a little formidable.

So... what im wondering is (this is kinda related to the sign thing) - what sorts of things are important, and what are just needless details? Should it matter that you are a little scared of someone's family?
If you have these little fantasies will God just bring along someone who perfectly fits all your qualificatons? Or sometimes is it just not important?

I'd really like some feedback with this one, as im starting to confuse myself. (not a good thing!!) thanks =)

courting, dating, its all the same anyway, right?

Another post! yes... the need for procrastination really is that bad! I think i'm very very screwed for this essay... the linguistics will be fine, but this french essay? nope. I dont know how it really got so late before i realised the depth of my non-knowledge of the topic *cringes*...
Anyway! no more of the lame-ness of me for now...

what i really want to post about is Courting.

Just so you know, right upfront, right from the start, i will declare that im trying to be controversial. And that the views i express in the post arent necessarily my views.

My friend has this theory, that everything is in God's hands, and you could sit on your lazy bou-tom inside your house, and the "right person" would somehow end up at your door. Like their car might break down right outside your house, and they knock on the door to ask for assistance. So he believes that you shouldn't look for a potential partner, cos God will make it happen. I like that theory, sounds nice, doesn't it!! Very idealistic :) But isnt the issue of "finding someone" the same as all other areas of life in that if you want something to happen you have to be active? If you want God to move in your Uni campus, you have to do something about it yourself? If you want to make new friends, you have to get out there and talk to people? If you want to learn how to be a better cook, you have to start by cooking?

And what about courting anyway? According to Josh Harris (author of I kissed dating Goodbye, (oh my gosh, Josh harris has a blog!! or should i say "a weblog" and its like mine, only yellower!) a "successful" courtship is one where the couple find out whether they are suited for marriage or not. So a successful courtship is one where the couple decide to get married. A successful courtship can also be one where the couple decide they are not suited for marriage after all. Some people would argue that this sounds an awful like dating. And others would argue that its not a true courtship if the couple dont end up married.
Anyway Josh says that its really only a matter of terms anyway, its all some form of dating, he just prefers to call it courtship because it implies a deeper level of commitment.
So Josh became redeemed in my sight! Its just some people that have taken his ideas to extremes that bug me. People who are like "you can't be alone in a room with a guy/girl cos thats dodgy" or "a guy and a girl shouldn't travel (alone) in a car together"...

I guess my views are closer to courtship, except that i hate, absolutely detest, the term 'courtship' so i refer to it as 'dating with a purpose' which, sadly, confuses a lot of people, so most of the time i have to refer to it as courting anyway!

One of the limits i have set for myself, which is along the lines of something Josh Harris did, is to declare that i will not kiss another guy until we are engaged. I'm not suggesting that that is a good idea for everyone, but its what is best for me.
I remember when i was 18 or 19 hearing (sadly 'hearing' in this case means gossip i guess) that two of the older youth (in their early 20s) in our church that i looked up to were going out, and finding out that one of them had a hickey. (that part wasnt hearsay, i recall that she had told her friend) And feeling incredibly disappointed when i heard this.
Some may find my disappointment extremist, but i had admired these people, and for me, to find out that they were up to necking after about a month of going out, seemed to be copping out/giving in to pressure. Especially when they stopped 'going out' a few weeks later.

One other thing i've learned from Josh Harris/Rebecca St James is that when you do find your future someone, what happened in your pasts will matter to you.
When you kiss on your wedding day you will think "is he thinking only of me?" or "i wish i'd never gotten involved with 'Sarah' cos it makes me feel like i've cheated my new wife".
I mean you shouldn't live your life with regrets, but your past relationships may continue to bother you. I know that my brief involvement with Ben will play upon my mind even when i'm married, and i will feel like i sold myself short in one little area.

As Rebecca and Josh suggested, i think it is a good idea to pray for your future spouse. Anonymous as they may be. Ask God to keep them and care for them, and for them to be strong when temptation arises. And most of all for them to grow into the godly man or woman of Christ that he has destined them to be.

I dont know whether this is seen as extreme or not, but sometimes it helps to picture your future spouse, in their current life. And imagine, would it upset you if they were getting involved with numerous members of the opposite sex? would you feel hurt if they had kissed other girls or guys? become intimate (emotionally or physically) with someone - joined a piece of themselves to them forever?
For me, to think about my future spouse helps me to form my behaviour. I will try to act with purity and honour, and in a way that would bring glory to God. I know that we can think we have found the "right one" when we maybe haven't... but as well as thinking about how God would want you to act, it can help to think about how proud your future spouse will feel when you tell them you have only ever thought of them. Or that you dedicated yourself to them from a certain time and strived to stop looking for 'the one' and let God sort it out.

So i guess i am really fond of the verse "above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life" and thats why i believe intimacy with the opposite sex should be crafted carefully. But anyway thats another issue, i've been working on a post about it for for over a month, but hopefully one day i will have formed it enough to post it! :)
For now, i'm just curious to hear opinions and comments on the whole courting issue

Also, what do you guys think about pentecostals and non-pentecostals together? Is it along the same lines as someone who loves cats and someone who despises them? or is it just each to his own? You go to your type of church this sunday, we'll go to my type of church next sunday?
would you ever exclude someone from your potential partner list because they are of a different denomination?

a poem to cheer your day

Swedish
Is it that we are merely snails? Meandering along the canvas of life, with the almighty creator watching the whole debarcle, gently guiding us when we near the edge, or spring a leak.
Not really a race, but a crawl
Not really a path, but a maze.
Can we hear the seagulls passing by? Swooping to snatch at the helpless snails. Their horrible cries echo all around, as their sharp talons scratch our shells.
Thorny shrubs bar the way, mar our view, cloud our vision.
I have been given authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and so I will.
I whip out my machete and clear the way.

discovering new blogs

Em is my hero (for today anyway) 'cos she posted on Dilbert and squirrels once! Go to her blog .. now i say!

Also, i had a random!! yay go random commenter from Malaysia :) Go to her blog as well i say (i havent been there myself, but if she comments on my blog then she must be cool!)

Plus Estie is back in action! Go my lovely squirrel! You can check out her blog by clicking here!

fruitless blogging obsession

*sigh* its a sad fact, but i have to acknowledge it- blogging is my lifeline sometimes. Its become my link to all you guys and because i dont live in the same area or even the same city, its that little bit of extra contact i really need sometimes. Unfortunately nobody has as much spare time as us expert-procrastinators (are we really experts if we end up stressed, upset and doubting though? *ponders*), and so most of the time its only worth checking blogs twice a week at the most.
When im working on assignments or not able to come into town cos petrol is so expensive, etc, i find myself checking blogs at lot. Which of course is fruitless - if i check at 10.30pm and theres no new posts or comments, theres not likely to be any more posts/comments at 11am the next morning. Which is why this is a bad cycle to be in... i know im just wasting time by checking, but this little part of me is really desperate for some form of contact.

I hate that i can't drop by anyones' flats for 1/2 an hour or an hour, because it is over 1hr driving time to get from here into the City and back again. I yearn for that; to just be able to bike over to someone's flat for coffee, and complete the journey home in 5 minutes.
I remember crying lots at the start of the year because i so wanted to leave home (as i've said in a previous post, this year it wasnt cos things were so terrible at home, but because most of my life is in chch and i feel its time to jump 100% in to that life) and be able to have the freedom to stick on a worship cd, and sing along really loudly in the morning, or to have a 1hr quiet time without any expectations, (i'll tangent on that another time) or to have phone calls any time of the day...

I guess i just feel a bit lost when 1 of my jobs (that i have now lost) is in Christchurch, my best friends are in christchurch, my monday-friday occupation is in Christchurch, my cell group is in chch..... I feel really torn most of the time, like i'm split. Where my heart aches to be anywhere but here, but for the meantime i cant do anything about it.

Maybe thats why i hide my feelings a lot... cos i recognise that the time i have with people is precious and i dont want to waste it talking about me... i'd rather learn all about them...? Dunno...

Anyway, i have to get on to this french essay... shut myself away in this little room and stare at the screen for hours... yay can't wait!!

work, you beauty, work!

Well seeing as this is my 15 minute break after 1.5 hours hard yakka ("hard" in Michelle terms) and theres no-one online to talk to, i guess i'll just have to talk to the blog!
Its interesting that people have spent hours slaving away over this ling assignment, and had like 15 pages worth of stuff...
i've spent about 9 hours near the computer, which equates to about 4 hours of good solid work, 2 hours of solid work, and 3 of eating/slacking. Considering i have been at this for a while, with sporadic periods of harcore working, i have written almost 4 pages, and have only the part of the assignment with graphs and tables left to do. Maybe i shouldn't have gone to the tutorial yesterday, lol... if some people have written over 10 pages then they've obviously done way too much work! (i hope)

This reminds me of the last time i didnt read a question paper properly, though! In fact, it was the same subject, which makes me seem like even more of a wally, hee hee! BUT... the part that i never posted was afterward, when i got the assignment back, telling you all that i got a B+ ... After all that stressing and crying and ranting and thinking i was done for.

I know that no matter how i say this it is going to come out wrong, but....
it almost seems like i can do half-arsed work and get B's or i could work my tushy off and get A's. Sadly, the human part of me wants to choose the first option.

Anyway, half-arsed work still needs to be steady, so back to the grindstone goes my nose!

and so the cycle repeats itself.... over and over and over....

Help *desperate call can be heard in the distance* heeeelp...
I hate this feeling. Its one of extreme inadequacy and uselessness and disappointment. Why didn't i get on to this Ling assignment earlier? Or read the question sheet properly. If i had done that, i would have understood it all and not have to re-do the little work i have actually done! Actually i haven't done 'little' work, i've done quite a bit compared to usual. The tutor admitted today that its a LOT of work, and that she (the expert) had underestimated how much time it would take us (the minions) to do it.
I think i'll have a blogger cry. *waaaah can be heard from afar*
I've been wanting to cry all day, yet havent found the right opportunity! I nearly cried in class this morning when i realised i still had a lot more work to go, that i didnt really understand the assignment at all, that i wouldnt be in anywhere near as much strife if i'd read the question sheet properly, and that all the work i'd done was basically wrong. I also got very close to crying when the lovely Asian guy in class asked, "so how your project go?"

*grins* All the boys reading this may not want to read this next paragraph, so tune out now...
I was wearing matching pink underwear today (yay!) and had thought, when getting ready this morning, "today's gonna be an awesome day; i smell nice, i have matching underwear, and its not too cold!" Screw that for a joke. At times the only thing that was carrying me through was chanting to myself, "im wearing matching pink underwear and God still loves me". Sad really.

(Boys can start reading again :P )
I feel like absolute crap, cos theres no way that i can do the ling assignment, all 10+ pages that are necessary, AND write this French essay both by their due dates (the essay monday and the ling, tuesday). Maybe i will have to resort to my last-term strategy of missing all classes? I dont like that strategy but maybe i will have to do it.
The really annoying thing is that all the horrible self-talk is coming back. The "you're useless and stupid and you cant do anything right, and you're not smart enough for uni and you never were, and you're going to fail and be left with nothing..." etc...
Argh!! just so you all know, i dont want your sympathy. I dont want your comments saying "its okay, we love you" cos i know that. its just hard believing it, or letting it affect my stupid state of mind at the moment.

I really hate feeling like this. Somethings gotta change!!

seriously rethinking the uni-thing

secondly... im a bit worried. Admittedly it is getting near deadline for assignment/essays time, which always puts that extra stress on, but i dont know if its all about that.
I am thinking about dropping out of uni for the meantime. Well finishing the one course i am not having trouble with, and leaving the other three for another time.
At the moment, i am having too much trouble with the courses i am doing, and it is really stressing me out.
If i could start the linguistics courses all over again i would, and do them properly this time.

Im just not sure that this is where i want to be right now.
Well definately the level of effort i have put in this year is not good, and its showing in my marks, etc. Not that the marks really matter, but for example, this linguistics assignment i am working on at the moment, i have completely screwed up and i am going to need to do it all over again. Most other people in the class have written 10-15 single-spaced pages :S I havent even started writing up the report yet, and its due tuesday.
Wow, as you can probably tell, i havent thought this over much, which explains why these thoughts dont really flow, or make a lot of sense. But i need to post this right now... so maybe later i'll fix it up a bit :)

Anyway, this linguistics course is one that really matters to me... and i need to understand it to be able to move on to 300 level papers. I havent really understood either of the internal assignments we've had this year, and they have both been worth 20% yet have contained many more hours work than any other courses i've done.

I'm not sure exactly what im trying to say here, but maybe that i need to focus on my french linguistics (essay due monday, thats almost too late to make a good job of it) and my development studies, and leave the sociolinguistics and political science for 'later'. Or perhaps the problem is that i was never cut out for this sort of thing, and i should do what i've always wanted to do and do some papers at bible college.

Argh. that really makes no sense at all. but ideas or comments (and prayers!) would be appreciated. please.

inny or outy?

First things first: i am fascinated yet repulsed by outys.
I am going to investigate the bellybutton, and see if there are reasons why people have these gross outys, and if there are a larger percentage of the population with innys, (etc) and then post about it.
Please can you all comment and tell me if you have an outy or an inny? i muchly appreciate your input! (not your output, cos outys are gross) :P

THANKYOU!!

Heln is not a blog stalker

Ode to Michelle,
A one verse wonder.
By Heln , Thursday's guest blogger

Every squirrel is my friend,
They all drive me round the bend,
Oh wait, I'm already there,
Is that a squirrel in my hair?

Maybe I should just get my own blog instead of terrorising other peoples

NSA website

he he!! go here :) Lotsa pictures :) i'm putting them on the NSA website to save space here....

Saturday- movies at my place?

i know there arent many people round at the moment, but is anyone interested in an Emperors New Groove night at my place tomorrow (saturday) night?
Its so funny... my mums desperate to meet my new friends, lol!!

Text or email if you're interested, open invitation :)
027 407 9671
michelle2995@hotmail.com
03 313 8304

the mysterious 'escapism'

Aah... how predictable. When Michelle's feeling bubbly and sociable theres a 'thankyou' post or a 'hello to friends' post, but when shes feeling grouchy and snappish theres a 'self-reflective' post or an 'angry at the world' post.
I'm busy trying to work myself out tonight. Big task, i know... trying to work out who you are and what makes you tick... but im doing it.
First observation is that i am mixed up. A lot of the time i look at myself and think "yup... i've got it (mostly) together... i know where im going... i'm mature and grown up... and im ready for a relationship [not that thats what everything is about]" and then other times i look at myself and wonder if i am indeed, as someone suggested the other day, like someone's little sister, still waiting to grow up, still throwing tantrums when things dont go her way, and someone whos problems are so trivial they can be solved with a hug.
I wonder what other people see when they look at me... do they see someone whos fun and caring and happy and loving and secure? Or do they see a child who is whiny and rude and grouchy and touchy and insecure? Cos thats actually what i am most of the time, i'm just pretty good at hiding it, because i dont want people to feel uncomfortable. I'm the perfect host (almost). I'm all about making other people comfortable, even at your own expense. I guess thats why its been hard lately when lovely people like Kelly and Paul and my friend Joanne ask my how i really am, or tell me they're concerned about me. Because i'm not used to compromising someones comfort by dissolving into sobs on their shoulder (sorry Paul *grin*) or texting someone telling them i'm pulled over on the side of the road, and i dont think i can make it to their house cos i'm not feeling ok.
And sometimes its even the fact that i have to battle between these two sides of me that makes me feel childish. (Most) Grownups dont have to fight the urge to trash their room, or fling plates around, or yell at people that they're stupid mole rats. [insert giggle... even saying "naked mole rats" or just "mole rats" or just "mole" makes me laugh... does this confirm my suspicion that i've never grown up?]
Actually speaking of which... sometimes i think my childish-ness is an attraction. My desire to stay young forever, like Peter Pan, is what makes people like me. My silly sense of humour, my love for simple things, is what draws others to me. But then other times i think no... thats what pushes people away, stops them from going deeper with me, and helps them to think i'm immature and flighty.
Sometimes i like being this way, and other times it scares me. Well not exactly scares me... but worries me. Do i really like being like this? How hard have i tried to change? Will i be stuck this way forever? Or is there nothing wrong with being this way?

Wow... i really got off on a tangent there... i wanted to talk more about myself (sarcastic cheer goes up from the crowd) and problems with escapism.
I think this will just be a random collection of thoughts and hypotheses, so dont expect a thesis or anything fancy.

I've been wondering... is the childish-ness a form of escapism? Is it just a way i have learnt to deal (or not deal as the case may be) with whats going on?
I wonder if perhaps you learn skills of dealing with situations from your parents. And if so, is it possible that their inadequacies produce interesting results in you?
Im not a person who likes to blame stuff on your parents... (talk to my estranged Aunty about blaming stuff on your parents... 30 years later and she still cant forgive her parents!) but i do recognise that some things are genetic, and sometimes the way you are brought up or the way your parents are does influence who you become.
For a start... my mother has battled with anger and depression all her life. I have so many horrible memories of waking up to hear her hysterical in the bedroom nextdoor... throwing things, screaming about how horribly she'd been treated by the rest of us, and how everything was somehow someone else's fault but her own. I remember many times wishing she would just go away, so I didnt have to be scared so much, or feel so guilty. And i remember precious things of mine that got broken when things got thrown around the house. As a result, i just learned to yell back. To throw things as well. To pull out all sorts of personal insults just to keep yourself from saying sorry, i've made a mistake.
I thought i'd pulled myself out of that one. I dont throw things anymore when i'm mad. I dont yell horrible things at other people. I dont have the big hissy fits. So I think i'm starting to grow out of that a little bit. But often i do think offensive thoughts about others, or degrading thoughts about myself. Often if i fail at something i'll start the old "you're stupid and worthless and you knew you'd never be able to do it" negative talk, which seems like the sort of thing a child does.

Argh.. more tangent... back to the escapism!
Is yelling just a way of escapism? trying to not deal with the real issue? Personal insults, and blaming everything on others or yourself when its not their/your fault as a way of not dealing with the real issue?
I used to want to run away a lot when i was younger. I would lie in bed and plan ways i could escape, and where i'd go, what i'd take, etc. But i could never work out a plan that would actually work. Try and escape your problems, rather than facing up to them.
I guess that was a biggie in our family - to escape your problems instead of facing up to them. Blame them on someone else, or pretend they werent there.
I guess suicide is another form of escapism. When you can't deal with it anymore, or dont feel like you can burden someone else with your problems, you decide that ending your life is the easiest way to cope. He he - tried that too...
Fantasy = another form of escapism. I would lie in my room for hours, thinking up stories, or making up plots in my head. Or pretending i was a character from a movie or a book. If i was someone else then i didnt have my problems.
Or through reading novels. Being the character in the book, taking you away to another world. Or the destructive kinds of novels, the good old lady-porn ones, full of Prince Charmings and perfect lives. Like i said in an earlier blog - just makes you want what you cant have.
Or through pretending to be who you arent. (im trying to think of more recent examples here)
I loved this one guy right through highschool... and i always tried to be who he wanted me to be, not who i should have been. In 7th form i flipped it around, and tried to be exactly the opposite of what everyone expected, and just ended up making people hate me. 1st year uni i tried to be the cool girl. The girl with a nice body, tonnes of boyfriends, the girl you want but cant have, and the girl that tries so hard with her work she is exhausted.
I guess i'm kinda a specialist in escapism. Any way to not have to deal with your problems is a good way.

Well i feel i should tie this all in somehow...
I was thinking tonight, about how closed-in i've felt lately. And how i can't wait to go overseas where theres so much freedom and less responsibility and more of doing what i want to do. And it reminded me of how in 7th form i was just hanging out til the end of the year. I thought i was going to go to Europe the year after that, simply as a means of escape. To not have to deal with anything anymore, start a new life in a way.
I was wondering if thats why i had a hard job the last few years - if you are uncontent, and dying to get out of your life and into another, then you are never going to be settled with it. If you always want something different, and you are just hanging out til things can change, then you wont find happiness and contentment with the life you are living.
So perhaps i've gotta start making the most of what i've got right now. Because this is all i've got at the moment. Sometimes you've gotta start with the crappy stuff before you can move on to the good stuff. And while you're so busy being discontent with what you've got, you miss out on the good parts of it.

I think I'm totally off track there... not really the conclusion i meant to come up with, he he... but i think its related in a way :)
I'm going to endeavour to be less childish and more grown up. To be less affected by circumstance, and more grounded in the big picture. Once I start to live even more for today than for years in the future 'when everything's perfect' it will be a bit easier to be mature about the little hiccups life spits you =)

Yeah... last note: I am going to try and stop having my wee tantrums and hissy fits and grumpy spells and be a bit more placid. I know i'm fairly well in this box of whatever it is, Popular Sanguine perhaps, but a little bit of maturity never hurt anyone!
Hurrah for being transformed =)

Edit note: Went back and read that and saw that the point i was trying to make was that maybe my childish behaviour is a way of escaping. I quite like that hypothesis. Maybe its very close to the truth. But like i said; I'm going to try and face up to reality a bit more, stop dramatising everything, and be a bit more stable :)