thanks to God for nice boys

i just feel the need to say it once more for good measure
if you truly love something, you have to set it free
*sigh* thats so lovely... =)

One other thing i wanted to do was give a big thanks to God. Sometimes you pray for something, then you forget all about it, and whether or not it was answered, etc...
And last night when i was talking to God, i remembered that at the beginning of 7th form i prayed to be surrounded with nice Christian boys, cos i basically didnt know any. I've always gotten along with boys better than girls, well i guess i mean i find it easier to make and maintain boy friendships, cos they're not usually as open and deep as girly friendships. So for me to have Christian guy friends is something i feel is essential =)
At Easter camp that year, i met a few boys, which was a nice beginning, even if they were young (shut up, you laughing in the back row!)... and i dont know much about what happened in the year in between, but now, i am surrounded by awesome, funny, Godly, PRIMO guys! and so i want to publicly say thankyou to God for answering my prayer, and at a time when i really need it, i have great guys around me, who are really cool friends. And publically say to the primo awesome menfolk who read my blog, you guys are masterpieces in progress. God is doing amazing stuff in you all, and im very impressed, and honoured to have you as my friends!!
And just to show you all how much i love you:
*bites all the boys ears and runs away in a true display of squirrely affection*

if you truly love something you have to set it free

*sigh* Nathan's making me post about him. After reading my post about Ben where it mentions Nathan's name, he got worried that you'd all begin to think things. So i told him, never mind, i'll post about the time we hooked up in the dark alleyway. So now i've told you and your curiosity is satisfied.

He he he... no i know you didnt believe that! I dont know why I have to post on this, Dont know why Nathan couldnt have done it *frown* Anyway, to put into newspaper article length rather than trashy novel length, here is the way it happened according to me
Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl. Over time girl begins to like boy an awful lot. Boy notices but hopes he's wrong and that it will all blow away. Girl decides she has to tell boy before she gets in too deeply. Tells boy and boy tells her he doesnt like her. Girl can't see why not and is upset. The end.
Actually i think i did quite well... its very short! Nice work.

Now that leads me on to something i've been meaning to post on for a while... i dont care if you dont like my theory (oh yes.. another one! run now if you hate my theories!), cos i like it.
I basically got the idea off Reuben... and so big big thankyou to Reubz, this idea has really helped me to get over Nathan, and other stuff, and to shape my thoughts on the whole love issue.
Basically the whole idea is that love is making sure the other person is 100% happy. (and by happy i dont mean feeling-wise, but fulfilled or satisfied i guess.) Kind of like if i think me and Joe Bloggs are a 9 out of 10 matchwise, and he thinks we're a 6, then he's not 100% "happy".
Love is not selfish. So if we think we are the perfect match for someone, and they dont think the same way about you, the truly loving thing to do is let it go. Like when you (ooh... getting all romantic and poetic here!) have an insect that you are keeping in a jar... if you truly want the best for it, sometimes you have to set it free. (thats a crappy link, but at least you'll see that it is a famous saying!
so yeah, love is unselfish, and all about the other persons happiness over your own. Which is a concept that really helps when i look at me and Nathan, for example. For us to be together is making him compromise an awful lot. And that makes me sad to think that i would be making someone settle for less than they could have.
Yus. hopefully i've said all i wanted to say about that... :)

lemme just say once again, cos through all the rest of the drivel this is all i wanted to get across
love is unselfish. truly loving someone is to put their happiness before your own.

aah... a good healthy dose of reflection

Ooookay! Right... well you guys have inspired me to be totally honest, and explain everything that happened with Ben last year. Hopefully this will make the whole issue make a whole lot more sense... Dont worry too much about commenting if you dont feel led, you've already just commented on the last issue, so its okay, dont feel like you have to think twice in two posts. *grin*
Im going to try and write this without too much boring/excessive detail, but without missing out bits that are important. .... i guess i can always come back later and prune it... which, by the way Mike, is an awesome analogy... i never thought about it like that before! I like! I'm glad that i was pruned, because it really changed my attitudes and made me be way more careful with myself, and less trusting, which was good.

Okay.. so I met Ben early last year, i was studying with Max, a hot french canadian boy, who had been in my spanish class, but because i am a boy-magnet even after we dropped Spanish we still hung out. Anyway, ((getting distracted thinking about Estie getting the Hermil award for most likely to marry a Foreign Hot, lol..)) Max's friend Ben came up and told us about how he'd just cut his finger on the grater, then left. I didnt see him again for about 3 months when i talked to him for about an hour. The next day i was studying up on the third floor, and he came along and we studied together. Now if you think im a flirt, he was like 10times better...so we just goofed around for about 3 hours, while trying to study, then i had a class, so he walked me to it, and we hugged goodbye. And 2 hours later he had a class, so i walked him to that, and he kissed me. Er like proper french kiss i guess. I guess you guys dont really care too much, except for me meaning that it was pretty full on, for a first kiss!

--i have to stop the story here and just say that I am not that girl. I have never been that girl. And never thought i would do something like that. I dont know what happened... perhaps i just got caught up in the fantasy of having something that everyone else had always had, and lost my head.
(he he.. that reminds me of The Lion, The Witch, And the Wardrobe when the White Witch is talking to a table of squirrels and stuff who are having a party, and she asks them if they have seen father Christmas, and tells them that if they say they haven't she will let them go...
'At that moment, one of the young squirrels lost its head completely.
"he has- he has- he has!" it squeaked, banging its spoon on the table.'
And instantly the witch turns them into stone.

I think this links in perfectly to Pauls comment, about how this was something that represented feeling loved and feeling like part of something special, even when it wasnt really the person himself who was so special. --

So, this is where time gets a bit warped in my mind, but i think it was a few days later when we had a talk about how a relationship wouldnt work anyway, because we were on two totally different levels, and at the end of it, he walked me to my car about 7 or 8pm, when it was all nice and dark and cool, and we ended up staying there for over an hour, just talking and hugging and stuff, which was kinda weird considering we'd just talked about how we werent "going anywhere" as a couple.
The next tuesday/wednesday? (dammit! i dont know *Grin* time has beaten me!) it was my birthday and the next day i went round to his house to say hi. Dont ask me why. I was stupid. Caught up in something that i knew was wrong, yet somehow tricked myself into thinking it was okay. And we kissed again, but i basically knew that that was the end of it all.

So... i guess what i've learnt/observed is that Ben is a great guy. He's heaps of what i want in a guy, and we really connected. He even likes squirrels... i mean if that isnt telling me he's THE ONE then nothing is *snort*. Throughout the whole thing i kept remembering this verse "whoever thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall".. which really nailed me one... as i never thought I would be the one to go first, lol. And as i said before, i fell hard (without the 'ly' *grin*) as i had always had these boundaries and guidelines for what i would and wouldnt do, and i remember how when i stood out at my car snuggling up to Ben, i thought "what would Jesus think if he walked along" and thinking in reply "oh he wouldnt mind. I've told Ben that im a Christian so we wont be having a relationship" (as if that makes it okay.)
As a result, i have really re-evaluated my boundaries, and for instance, im way more careful about being alone with guys, and cos im a touchy feely person i massively just stopped that, (which has been kinda hard to get back into... even hugging girls has been hard now that i just stopped most psyical contact for ages). Some people think the new boundaries i've set are kinda extreme, but i know that its better to be safe than to be left feeling like you've let yourself, other Christians, and God down afterwards.

Im happy, too, that i wasnt upset for long yesterday. I didnt do too much hurting before i just gave it all over to God and talked about the reasons behind the hurt, rather than wallowing (like a hippo) in the hurt.

So thanks to all you guys for supporting me through this, and i really feel like your insights have totally caught the essence of how i feel.
Sam first (argh, i always start to type 'Phil' then have to delete it *grin*): Ben does represent a massive change in my life, and the beginning of the end of my secular Christianity. And even if sometimes i wish this had never happened, it really helped make me who i am today, which im thankful for! (Postage isnt that much... Mike's posting himself, lol.. and, i jest, i told Mike that if you're a foreign hot he can bring you back here =P ) (oh and i love Rat Race!!)
Mike: i really do like your talk of pruning! I am glad that that part of my life, where i thought i was strong, yet wasnt really, had to come to an end, even if it did hurt like hell at the time, and on and off even a year later.
Fraser: thanks for your big word "self-recrimination" ... its really true, and i dont think i had really considered that aspect before - that perhaps when i see Ben i dont feel pain because its him, but because of how i behaved when he came along.
(and dont worry, not ever having the opportunity to be burninated is good... relish it *grin*)
Paul-ster: you were so right-on, dude... and i think its interesting that i didnt come up with that explanation myself. Kinda embarassing really, for me who likes to talk about some stuff but not about other stuff, it brings up the whole issue of "yeah, i am looking for that package". He he.. this is hard for me to admit, as i like to think im not looking for a man, but i guess if im honest i truly am. And i think you're right in suggesting that perhaps Ben represents that package, so i guess it is always going to be hard when i see Ben (and Nathan) as it will remind me more of how real the sense of not finding the right package is!

Hee hee... and that leads me right on to the next things i want to post about... so stay tuned! Same squirrel time, same squirrel channel!

*big sigh of relief*

Just a quick wee post, cos its late and im little (see the correlation? *grin* I NEED SLEEP!!)
i just wrote my letter back to the guy who wrote to me and told me he loved me i thought i'd better put him out of his misery! It was actually a really really hard letter to write, i didnt really know what to say, im not sorry for how i treated him, i didnt lead him on... i dont want to make myself out to be at fault here, cos im not. He cant put that on me. So i ended up saying that i was leading by Jesus' example, and trying to be a true friend.. i hope he isnt too hurt by my not feeling the same way about him, and to not live in the past, because our memories are inaccurate. That sounds mean i guess, but i was really quite impressed with the way the letter turned out. I'm gonna leave it overnight, and see how it looks tomorrow, and then hopefully get it in the post before the weekend. I'm glad to have that all sorted... and i prayed about it while i was writing it, so i believe that its in God's hands, and i've done the best i could do. =)
Big weight off my shoulders!!
heh heh... literally - i went to the physio today. i've had the most nato neck pain for a year, and its gotten unbearable lately, so finally i went to the doctor who referred me to the physio.
Yay for physio! yay for a pain free day!! IM FREE!!

oh crap, not again!

I'm not sure whether i should post when im confused and unsure, but im going to anyway, i can always come back and fix it up later... or delete it to get rid of any incriminating evidence.
Heh... i wore a polyprop today, breaking my no-polyprop rule... and got insanely hot, especially in the library, and had to go get my gym t-shirt out of the car. But when i put it on i realised it was dirty. Obviously. Covered with grease or something. Not from the gym. As i havent been there for a looong time. Heh... the physio asked me today what i do for exercise. *blush* I have good intentions. No wait, i lie - i dont! *grin* i never intend to go to the gym, in fact, i try and avoid it at all costs! Although when i do end up going i really like it, its just the whole "get to the gym, go into the open, cold changing rooms, get changed into your shorts and t-shirt, go into the weights room with hot muscly guys, do your 20 reps, go to the cardio room with all the hot svelte chicks, nearly cark it when your machine decides to speed up on you, go have a shower, get changed, go back to uni, try and do work" process. As you can tell, im procrastinating from posting on what i really wanted to post about. In fact i dont want to post about it at all. I want to run away and hide under my bed. With my blanky. And never come out until its all happy again.
I feel really stupid about this, getting all upset and uncomfortable and hurt by something thats not really an issue at all, or at least it shouldn't be. I just dont understand how one person can really affect me that much. Its not like i loved him. But i let myself get more involved and more attached than i have ever done before, in such a short space of time. The other day i realised that next week is more or less when it all started last year. It was just before my birthday, so at least i can remember the month *grin*. I dont understand why its so hard for me to sit here and watch him sit there, at his desk, with another girl perched beside him, staring into his eyes and running her hands through his hair. I dont know whether its him, himself, that affects me so much, or just what he meant in my life. (and by that i mean, someone who came along and just totally shook me in a way that i've never experienced before. I dont understand why i got so attached. He is the one and only guy i have ever kissed, but im not wishing after him anymore. I'm just affected by this because it was such a big change in my life) Im not hung up about him anymore, i dont feel anything for him, i dont long for him, i dont wish 'what if' really, i just dont know why he affected me so much, and why i am still hurt by it now. How just catching a glimpse of him can send a stab of pain through me.
To him its probably nothing, just another girl, just another day. And like Mike I was the one who was left crawling on the floor after it all, while the other person walks away unscathed.
I know it sounds like im still upset about this - but what i mean is that i'm not upset about HIM... im not in love with him, or even want to be. Its just that i hurt when i think of the hurt, or something incredibly unprofound like that. I dont know. maybe you understand what i mean, i dont know. All i do know is that i have to think twice about everything - when i see him do i walk past and ignore him, or do i pretend im ok and say hi? When i see him cuddling up to his new girlfriend do i still wave and say hi, or do i avert my eyes. Does he see that im so affected by it all? Does he care? (not that i really care what he thinks about it all anyway *grin*, but sometimes i wonder what it meant to him) (im not worried about that though, im just wondering why does it still gut me to see him?)
i guess one of the reasons its so hard to see him is that i never really thought i would. Weeks ago when i posted about missing him, and wishing i could see him, i didnt anticipate this. I was sure that i had moved on, and i still am sure, but to see someone who represents something in your life you wish had never happened still really impacts on you. Perhaps its fear. What if my friends that never knew about it suddenly find out? What if people think differently about me for acting like a tart?

argh! I DONT KNOW. and i dont like not-knowing. how can i be strong when just seeing someone makes me weak? Why do i still cry a year afterwards? it doesnt make sense.

what i know for sure, is that I Dont Miss Ben. I Dont Want Ben. I Dont Love Ben. But... he has affected my life in ways he'll never know, and because of this, it hurts to see him. He reminds me of things in my life that i am ashamed of and have moved on from. So i guess this is always going to hurt, but it is good, i guess. I have learned valuable lessons from my very short, basically 2 week long fling with him, and those lessons are vital in shaping who i am today (thanks Sam =] ).
I guess it will always be bittersweet to see him, but as long as i remind myself of the lessons i have learnt from this, instead of focussing on the hurt and wistfulness, then life can go on *grin* as it always does!

Mi amante, y la fe

Firstly and most importantly, i must say a HE-UGE "hurro" oh wait i mean "hola" Miguel, usted es muy atrativa! *wink wink nudge nudge* Screes of brownie points to Miguel... he is my hero and when i find him i will demonstrate my riotous profusion for him!! I am still giggling away about it all....
Go los latinos!!

And secondly, something that popped into my head yesterday, when i talk about blind faith, i am not talking about stupidly believing something without ever questioning or theorising about it... I realised that the idea of blind faith first came to me in 5th form french, mainly when i began to learn about irregular verbs. Sometimes the rule behind an irregularity is so confusing that it is much easier to just believe that the verb is irregular, and not question why.
For example, the verb "aller" to go. In the present tense you say "je vais" and in the future tense you say "j'irai" none of which seem to be related to 'aller' at all... For some of the girls in my class, they would get so hung up on these rules and irregularities that they couldnt understand, that they would become bogged down, get frustrated with the language, and some of them eventually quit because the complexities were too confusing. Seeing any parallels?
For me, i found that the easiest way to get through was just to accept that "aller" turns into the stem "ir-" in the future tense, and learn that. Once i began to try and fathom out all the underlying details, it detracted from the basic purpose - to learn the language.
Now sometimes this allegory isnt applicable - sometimes we genuinely do need to learn the reason behind the rule, in order to better understand it, but i guess its up to us to discern the difference between when finicky details or confusing aspects are bogging us down, and when it is necessary to probe deeper.
So i know the whole blind-faith debate is kinda over, but i was only reminded about this yesterday in french class, and how i first discovered this concept when learning a foreign language, but yet how applicable it is to Faith and Christianity.
So perhaps its not 'blind' faith, but knowing when to question, and when to simply believe what you have been told.
Perhaps i could go down another path here - the whole 'how do i know its not a good idea to stick my finger into the power point' problem. On the one hand, just believe your parents when they tell you not to because its bad, on the other hand, you could research why not to, before making up your own mind about the matter.
Sometimes it just detracts from the bigger picture - that your Creator has told you certain things. Need you question everything? Or simply believe that he has told you something because he has your best interests at heart?
So when the French teacher said "its an irregular verb. Thats just the way it is" do you believe her? or set out on your own research?
Interesting question.

musings from the last few days

I'm feeling rather unwell, to put it nicely, so today is just a few random thoughts from the last couple of days =]
Sam- oh my giddy goodness ! guess what i saw on kids TV yesterday... S.A.M. which stands for Secret Agent Men... about a guy called Sam (i think) whos about 14 and he's a secret agent. Its really funny, cos its almost just a take-the-mickey sort of show... great! Its like the perfect show for you! Especially seeing as you are Secret Agent Man!
Kelly - im glad we had bonding time last night... heh heh.. you're awesome!

What was really cool was driving home, with four other lovely ladies in the car, and i stopped and listened... everyone was singing along to Brooke Fraser, it was just so sweet =) One of those moments that just touch you. Man i love you guys! Sarah, Ray, Amy, Roof....

I've just had a friend, who is an awesome friend, loving, caring, nutter, kind of like a rock to our group, tell me that shes not a christian anymore. I just dont understand how you could decide that?! Im confused!

Heh... *warm fuzzies* i never got dressed today!!! and i dont intend to (while im feeling like this) its great... my pj's are so very comfortable!

Thanks to the Paul-ster for last night... groovy =) we all (i think) had an awesome/fun time... and there was lotsa shenanegins, especially with Spoons, celebrity pot, and the stick-the-name-of-someone-famous-on-your-forehead-and-guess-who-it-is game! Hope Chad didnt get too mad with the silly cad who kept giving him bad names! very sad :(

okay well thats all the Chelle-ster thoughts for you now, you gluttons *wink* will hopefully write something more interesting this week sometime! =)

damn me for being so desirable (har!)

I'm a little bit confused right now, so sorry if this is a little incoherent... i dont like to post without some kind of order to my musings, so i've tried to figure this out into coherent thoughts.

I just got a letter in the post, from a boy I went to highschool with, telling me that he really liked me in highschool, and has missed me heaps, and never had enough courage to ask me out or anything while he was at school, and so he's now writing to me to see if i am interested at all now. And also to mention that a close family friend has died, his grandad has just had to go to hospital with cancer, an aunt has a brain tumor, and their dog has just been put down.
So apparently me turning around and telling him i've always loved him will make life happy again.

yeah. how do i always manage to do this? To get myself into these kinds of messes? My friends and family hassle me so much for all these masses of poor boys that are madly in love with me and yet get shot down ... Yet its a bit more serious than that. Is it something i'm doing wrong? Am i playing with these guys feelings without realising it? Are my signals for 'i dont like you' so similar to my signals for 'i do like you' that people all around the world have been confused by me at some point in time?
I know that on the surface its really amusing, and worth a good heckle or whatever. But slightly underneath im really unsettled about this. Mainly i feel bad, for having to turn these guys down time and time again. And also i feel like a failure for simply trying to be a true friend, and show Jesus' love to people, and they misinterpret it for something else.

I'm not turning these guys down willy nilly, without considering what could turn into something great, its that these boys are generally people i dont have many similarities, or affiliation with, or they are people that i dont like necessarily all that much, but i've felt prompted by God to care for those who others dont seem to care for.
Argh! *scream of frustration* i dont know how to deal with this! i feel like such a munt.

I dont really know why i felt the need to post on this, i dont have all that many decent thoughts on the matter... all i have is this sense of failure and of screwing with peoples minds/hearts, and doing a crap job of being a friend...
but it feels good to write it all down. Instead of storing it all up, it feels like i've let it out to someone. Because i never seem to know how to do that to 'actual' people.
In a cruel twist of fate =P (yeeeeah... 'fate') why is it that the boys that like me are always the ones i dont like, and the ones i like are always the ones that dont like me... ?? Aah just another kick in the guts.. i'll get used to it one day. But today it still hurts.

Why me?

Warm Fuzzies to 'Sam' or the creature-formerly-known-as-Philotas

The other thing that i wanted to post about is Philotas ... or should i say SAM (which stands for Some Aussie Maniac) (Go Fraser you good thing!)
Yay! Welcome to the world of the named! It feels like you're a real friend now, as opposed to an internet friend... bah! i dont know how to explain it, but i'm glad that you told us your real name =)
I feel a little shafted, however, that you didn't reveal it when i asked, but you did when Paul and Reubz said something... *sniff* yup. =P
NO! its all good, brother...!
Like Paul said, do you actually want us to call you Sam? Or would you prefer if we stuck with the old 'Phil' or even 'Philotas'??

Wow... yay... Man.. i have such riotous profusion for ya, Phi..no i mean Sam! You're awesome =)

Heh heh... just on a wee aside... i recently discovered that if i sit on the computer chair, with my legs up on it, and fall back.. i can have my backside on the chair and the rest of me on the bed... its great! I get to ponder the ceiling, in comfort, while having a moment of rest from the bad posture i emulate whilst typing!! i want to say 'huzzah' or 'w00t' but i'm gonna think of a new word instead. My word. hmmm... he he... i know... i'll say 'brill' (which has 'naff' for an antonym) or 'primo' or 'yippee' or 'woop-woo' yeah... ive got heaps! thats right! take me on, punks!

revelation is great!

Yay! i have managed to reduce my big list of things to do today to only 4 things that really need/want doing. I have also done some of the 15 things that were on my original list - which was to send 3 important emails to people, and 1 important text. I also needed to download 3 lots of notes i've missed this week (not through scoping, through being sick =P ) but all of them aren't loaded yet. So the good thing is that I'm now left with 4 main things to do... (even though when i look at my original list it seems that i've accomplished squat all) (thats the beauty with prioritising, the stuff that doesnt really need to be done just sits around for weeks, and i'll probably never get around to it *grin*)

The 4 things that i now need to do are French work, Pols readings, Post on my blog, and Make sure i ask my youth pastor tonight about the Tongues debate, so that i can post about it tomorrow *grin*
So really thats only 3 things that need doing RIGHT NOW... which makes me feel even better about it! Plus i am sitting here eating cheese and crackers, and who can feel busy when you've got (fancy)cheese and crackers? And a knife.... (heh heh - i thought i'd just put that one in there to make you all have a mare) (just to yoink Adam's saying) (ARGH! Another Timaru boy! ANOTHER I SAY!)

So lets get rid of another thing on my 'to do' list and post on my blog! tee hee hee! Aren't i clever =P

Man it feels good to be sitting here in my trackies, woolly bed-socks, polyprop and nice warm (acrylic unfortunately) jersey. My hair, which was a 'Im not going to see the public' job, actually looks rather nice! And i've even got the basics of concealer and eyeliner on. Wow. Good day!

One thing i've realised about this sickness - which is maybe one reason its gone on so long - is that i've got 'more time' to spend with God. ('more time' because i always have the same 24 hours of time, it just depends how i spend it) When Nathan first began posting about the gifts of the spirit, i began thinking about healing. And how i'm not sure whether or not i have total faith in it. And i commented on his post about how i was at church on Sunday and they called everyone up the front who was sick, to pray for healing. They quoted Luke 10v19
'Listen! I have given you authority, so that you can walk on snakes and scorpions and overcome all the power of the Enemy, and nothing will hurt you'.
And i sat in church and thought "hmm... does God heal because we ask him to? or because it has a purpose?" So i didnt go up to get prayed for cos I thought that maybe this sickness was here to teach me something. Then on Monday night, when i felt like utter crap... i cried pathetically all the way home in the car and asked God why i was so sick, and if there wasnt a purpose in all this, to take the sickness away, but if there was, to reveal it to me. So finally, this morning I think 'i've realised' (God has revealed perhaps) that there is SOME purpose to this...

I've decided that i no longer care (before i only half-arsedly cared) what people think who read my blog. While Nato's is intended to talk about God, mine was intended to be a form of release, like a diary that i will actually write in (because i am a geek and im actually enthusiastic about typing an online diary, rather than writing in a flowery notebook or something). And before all my awesome friends started getting blogs, i began to be honest about stuff that i wanted to talk about. And i do love you guys all heaps, and i do still love you reading my blog, and commenting on it, from now on i am going to write to please me, not the masses. I realise that sounds a little selfish, he he, but what i mean is that i'm mainly not gonna write as if i have an audience, but as if i'm writing to an unknown. I guess im not gonna do that all the time, cos i will still want to write posts that are directly directed to people (hee hee) but i'm going to endeavour to go back to my 'posting to take a load off my heart'. yup.

So i believe that with this sickness, i've had a lot of time at home, missed about 3 days of uni, and all this has given me more time, like i said before, to spend with God. Which i need, because i've been struggling with doing that. Firstly this morning, i felt God saying that i need to not get involved in the 'trying to figure God out' discussions *grin* like Nathans and Reubens posts. For me, i know its cool to have these theories about stuff, but sometimes if you tell a child something before they're actually ready to hear it, you can confuse them and change correct thoughts that they may have had to incorrect ones. I thought i was cool with reading the big theories, but in a little way they've actually disrupted my good thought processes. I was thinking this morning, about my friend's cousin, who recently had an accident, i think he got crushed by a horse or something, and is in intensive care, they are hoping that he will be fully recovered after about a year. So i wanted to pray for him. But then i started unproductively thinking "what if this violates my free will and God doesnt actually step in and act when we pray? So does that mean my prayers are useless?" And then it went down a whole other track about if we pray for healing, can/does God actually act, or if we pray to be calm, is this another violation of our choice and free will? Or does God actually intervene in our lives?

So i realised that this was just creating havoc... and it would be better if i just said "the bible tells me to pray. So i will faithfully pray. And I will believe that my prayers are heard and acted on".

Nathan and i were having a big discussion yesterday about blind faith, and if there is any good reason to follow blindly, or if you should always have proof. (eg. i believe there is always an element of faith in believing in God - like you can't PROVE he exists, but Nato thinks you CAN prove it, and you should never follow stuff blindly) So perhaps for me, it is better to just blindly believe in the power of prayer, instead of trying to figure out these theories that blow a gasket in my mind, lol!! And i honestly believe God was saying something to me about that too. Don't give the baby chocolate before its had mashed peas.

Another cool breakthrough i had with God, is i want to be less unstable. And i've finally realised that i actually am still a little like a pendulum, where i have great days, then i have days where i feel like i've been trodden on by a hippo, and days where i feel i have cried enough tears to fill an ocean. (he he, i tried to be smart and put something else instead of ocean, but 'isthmus' and 'atol', the only words that came to mind, were referring to land, not water!!). So i finally have acknowledged that, rather than trying to pretend everythings sweet as all the time, and i really want to be changed. I have a few negative thought processes, that i wont explain, cos it just makes me seem pedantic and weird, but i need to work on those.

Mainly i know i need to be more trusting and open with my women friends, and more controlled when it comes to my manfriends. Also, i realise that i have to stop over-analysing stuff and getting upset over very little things, and mulling everything over so much !!

Sometimes i think the hardest step to recovery is actually realising that you have a problem, and admitting that you need to change it. =)

So i'll stop trying to pretend that i'm superman (argh! more man analogies! when will they stop, lol) and acknowledge that i'm not perfect after all... and i'm still going through some of the tough stuff!! (as you could probably tell from the last wee section of posts, lol...)

But the funny part is that once i acknowledge that i'm having some problems with my banality and i need to work on stuff, i feel great. Today i dont feel like it could ever be dark and bleak and horrible ever again, but the irony is thats part of the problem. That there may be days where its all sweet as, but i've got to stop acting so surprised when the tough days come, cos they are bound to come. And if i'm better prepared for them, then they won't be such an ordeal =)

Yay for moving on!

(that takes more things off my 'to do' list... so i'm almost there... all i REALLY have to do is the Pols and French work.... please mum, just one more post?!! hee hee)

last thoughts for the day

He he... i'd just like to note that Mister Brehaut has written 101 posts, which is 13,827 words, and i have written 48 posts, and 17,527 words.
And just to make us feel even more geeky, Nathan has written 266 posts which is 48,973 words... holy cow! that boy sure does write!

a fathers wish

My daughter enters the room with her usual youthful exuberance. Freshly washed, her face is shiny and her eyes bare, without their usual makeup. Upon second glance I notice her eyes are rimmed with red, and dark purple shadows are beneath. The gleam in her eyes I first mistook for a mischevious plan reveals itself to be a layer of shimmering tears. When I catch her eye it is not joy or fun I see reflected, but a weary, haunted look. How long has this been there? Why haven’t I noticed before?

She moves across the room. Her pyjamas, many sizes too big, drag on the floor, and she tugs at the neckline where it hangs down, letting in the cold. I always thought her mother had bought pyjamas three sizes bigger than necessary, but now I see my daughter for the waif she is. We used to jest about her plumpness and ample hips, now I see no evidence of this. Where the neck of her pyjama top droops, I see bones across her chest where before only extra skin was visible. I wonder to myself when this happened, and how did I not see it until now?

What has my child been through that I do not know of? How much of her life have I missed out on? I rue myself for being too concerned with other things to ask. Bills must be paid, a job must be kept, but a problem shared is a problem halved. What could have happened that I never knew about? Are there dark secrets that long to be told, or deep dreams that yearn to push out? How I ache to call to her, ask her to tell me all that has happened, share that part of her that is hidden from me.

What I thought I knew about my daughter, is it façade, or is her life really that simple? Am I on the wrong track, or have I discovered an enigma, waiting to be unravelled?

The thing that concerns me most is the time I have lost. Once today is over, tomorrow begins. I cannot reclaim yesterday. This being that I created, I know almost nothing about. I wanted to be there the first time she cried, when she first spoke, and when she took her first steps. But was I there when she had her heart broken, when the lies were spread, when her darkest night pressed in?

What have I missed out on, in this precious life? I wish I could gain back those moments, forever lost, and be there for her, share those dark times. My beloved child told me about her triumphs, her success, and her joy, but the things she did not share helped more to form her.

These tears that fill my eyes are not for me, for my lost time, but for the daughter I wish I knew. If I could take away the burdens she carries, share her pain, and comfort her.

I wish…

blah blah

Ooh! posting has reached a new level of excitement! Truly magnificent! Colours and fancy guff like that!
I dont really have anything at all to post about, but i felt disconnected from life when not posting at least once a day on my blog, lol!
Random thoughts for the day:
-->yesterday i forgot to do my fly up... lucky A) im a girl B) i was wearing underwear C) it was only for about 2 mintues til i realised D) im short so people can barely see me as it is without looking at specific details
-->As a project for our Development Studies class we have to take action about something that concerns us... so James (a boy from class, currently sporting a goatee just like mine - thanks to Paul) and I are going to do a website for people who want to take action - eg write to the govenrment, and Mister Brehaut, and maybe other computer geeks like Nato, are going to help me design it
-->whenever you talk to Breo you have to refer to him as Mister Brehaut - with a funny accent, like Samwise in LOTR when he calls Frodo Baggins 'Mister Frodo'... yup.
--> um.. surely i have something else to say? I've been sick, so i wasn't at uni today, but it was kinda nice... i got to watch Spongebob Square pants, and Happy Days, and look at the book of Esther, which was discussed A LOT at Get Smart, and think some more about the CU ball and my birthday, both of which are next month.
I like Balls cos i can wear makeup (well more than i usually wear) without looking like a tramp. I also like birthdays, cos you can do fun stuff and people actually make an effort to come! I've been wanting to have a murder mystery party, but i'm still trying to work out the logistics, which is the hardest part - where to have it, who to invite, and how to write the plot/characters... And i can't ask anyone for help, lol, cos then they wont be able to play!! Anyway its going to be on the 28th August, (middle weekend of the next holidays) if i actually have it!!
--> i've fancied up the sidebar of my blog, incase you hadnt noticed! its all pimped up! I want to pimp my ride and make it into Trogdor the Burninator, lol!

oh yeah!

Check out this awesome song, its called Broken Heart by Falling Up
right where im at :)


In this moment synchronized inside, words that paint a legacy of life
A different picture will unfold, a healing finds it's way through
Sifted times I take another breath, with an ambience of nothing left
So heal my heart rain down your love these waters bring me back to life

Chorus
Father, healer deliver me from broken love
Stay hear, closer let me hear your voice of love

There's a healing calling from the wind, there's a healer waiting to begin
In timeless places, traced and faceless will I learn to let go
Take me to the heights where love controls,
far away from home but feels so close
This empty heart of mine will fall inside and bring me back to life

You can hold, you can mend
You can heal, you can brake
I hold cause something etched this way

Chorus
Father, healer deliver me form broken love
Stay hear, closer let me hear your voice of love
Savior, Redeemer bring me to this place of peace
Jesus, garden my broken heart is so in need

i love my teeth

just so you can all laugh at me... i will tell you about my morning so far!! Firstly i slept through my alarm, and evertytime i did manage to wake up i just ended up going back to sleep again! After much stuffing around, i was finally ready to leave at 9.25 (for a class at 10, which was cutting it a bit close!)... I get almost to Kaiapoi and i realise that i havent cleaned my teeth, so while i drive, i think about what i could do... go to my aunty's place, and use my finger? nope. go to the supermarket, get a toothbrush, and go to my aunty's place? nope. forget about cleaning them, and just go buy a toothbrush from the uni chemist after class? nope.
Then i noticed that i was basically out of petrol, and the next station was 10 minutes away, in Belfast. So i thought RIGHT! i'll turn around, go home and clean my teeth, stop at a petrol station in rangoon, and just get to class late. So i did just this. My mother didnt even blink when i walked in the door (after leaving 10 minutes earlier) to clean my teeth. Hee hee!! But it wasnt til i was running to class, after some nice boys let me have their parking space, at 10.20 that i realised i only have one class today, and after all that hassle, i was only going to get 30 minutes of class time all day. Hmm... was it even worth being here?!!! lol!!
The insanity of my obsession with cleaning my teeth!!

can't last a day without posting, hee hee

i know i'd feel rather empty if i didnt post at least once today after all that posting yesterday... i dont have much to post really!
--> I am so impressed with everyones blogs lately, especially Reuben, Jess, Nathan and Mike keep up the good work eh!

--> i do still like squirrels. in case they think i have forsaken them cos i havent posted much about them lately!

--> Just to remind me of how things were exactly 3 weeks ago, and how much better they are now hee hee - true insanity

Well.. i'm off to catch some Z's...

Just in case any of you want to be my lunch buddies/ uni friends heres my timetable
monday 10-12 and 1-3
tuesday 10-11 and 3-5
wednesday 1-3 and 3-4
thursday 10-11 and ? maybe something else
nothing on friday except the occasional 11-12 tutorial
i was doing another 5 hours a week, but that meant a total of 15 assignments/tests/essays this term. So its byebye spanish =( *sob*

toodles!!

no regrets?

i wrote it in the dark, thought i had a clean sheet of paper, but like a hidden code, i wrote overtop of notes on the Purpose Driven Life... an encoded poem, for only me to find.

stay,
please stay with me tonight
oh how i need you so
come cover me, show me why i believe
dont leave me, i couldnt bear it
oh how i need you so
draw me close, in your arms
whisper that you love me
and so you'll never leave me
just stay, please stay, dont ever leave

those was thoughts from yesterday.
These is thoughts from today...
And they goes along the lines of "What If?"
im sure God doesnt want us to live our lives with rue, with regrets, and What If's... dwelling on the past isnt that healthy, especially when we look to things that could have been, but werent, and wish they were. You can't live your life in the past - if only i had done this, x would be different, if i hadnt tried this, y would still be here.
However, im still wondering... what if this was the only time i ever saw Ben again (im pretty sure it wont be, but for the purpose of my unproductive thought train it is)? what if all my life i regret not having said something. Talked to him, and shown that i am happy, and have moved on. What if i am old and grey and married to someone else, with grown up children and i still wonder to myself "what if?" I wish i had taken that opportunity.
The theme of Get Smart this year was Carpe Diem - seize the day...
And i know talking to some old boyfriend you kissed in c-block in broad daylight, thereafter changing your life, isnt exactly a good example of carpe diem. But you get the picture. Take every opportunity. the bible verse i was learning today was Colossians 4v4,5 about having the right words when opportunities arise... If you have the chance to apologise to someone you've fought with. Do it. If you have the chance to renew an old friendship. Do it. If you are given the opportunity to speak about the hope you have in Christ Jesus. Do it.
Don't live a life filled with regrets. Seize every opportunity that can be used for good and run with it...

pieces of me

he he... here i am posting for the third time in a day!! wait til all the work starts!! Ages ago i posted about Ghosts... which is kinda what i want to talk about now.
Lately, I've been wondering if certain parts of yourself will forever stay attached to other people... if there are little bits of yourself that once you give away, you can never get back...
Previously, i thought this theory only applied to guys, but now i think it applies to girls as well....
For example Joy. Joy is back in America now. I miss her a lot, she is such an amazing person, and i really really love and cherish her. I believe that I have given a little piece of my heart to Joy, through loving her. And according to my theory i cannot ever get that little piece back.
In saying this, however, i guess the heart could be seen as Eternal. There's no point when you've given out so much heart that there will be none left, lol. I think God calls us to love others with reckless abandon, which i heard a ripper of a sermon on once - dont ever be afraid of loving other people. Love with abandon, because if you ever get hurt, God will be there to heal the wounds, and if you dont, you've just gained friendship, or return of love back out of it. Awesome.
But.... i do believe now that a little piece of me will forever be joined to Joy, and will always hurt when i think of how i miss her, or how i want to laugh with her, or how i want her to hug me.... and i think thats okay. I dont think that is something that needs to be healed, it feels good to love something so much you actually miss it.
And again, another example is Ben. Who is the reference to my old post about Ghosts. I saw Ben today... its actually quite hard to type this. Its been over 9 months. And i didnt say hi. I pretended i hadnt seen him, and i dont know if he saw me. I believe that a little piece of me is forever given to Ben, and that i will always feel a pang when i think of him, and what could have been, and what was lost, and what shouldnt have been. And i think a little part of me will always miss him, and long to see him, and wishes that maybe... if we could just be friends again... that little piece that i gave away would not hurt anymore. I used to think that this piece that was given away was unhealthy, but when i compare it to giving a piece of myself to Joy, i no longer know why Joy seems healthy and Ben seems unhealthy. I guess its because Joy and Me had a pure friendship in Christ, whereas Ben and i disagreed over Christianity, and the way we conducted our relationship was in a way that meant it had to be hidden, rather than in a godly way, able to be shared in the open.
Either way, i still think both models fit my theory. In that there are some people that come into your life that are like a kindred spirit, and they just touch you, and you know that you will forever be changed by meeting them. Whether they have had a positive effect on you, like Joy urging me to be more caring and welcoming, or negative like Ben, spurring me to get committed about Christianity and dating, they have still had an effect, and that little piece of your heart that you gave them, will forever remind you.

everywhere i go, i look, try to catch a glimpse of you
ghosts linger in my mind, my memory playing tricks
i think i see you, from the corner of my eye, but was it really you?
Each path i take, i look to left and right, to see if you tread it
my head whips as each person passes, where did you go, will i see you again?
my heart hurts.

now i'm just going to do a general post on what i thought about Get Smart.
I had been hyped up about it for ages, especially since i registered for a mere $40 just after last years conference... but as it got closer to the actual conference, i realised i was not looking forward to it as much as previous years. I felt myself remembering the extreme hype, the singing sessions that go on for, in my opinion, way too long, the speakers that tell more stories than biblical truths, and the youth that proclaim their dedication to Jesus on Saturday, then on monday seem to forget all about it.
So i decided to go in with a slightly cynical attitude, and not accept everything that was thrown at me, which i think is a good attitude to have. We should always be discerning about what people try to tell us (to a certain extent).
This meant that the first night, when the array of Planet Shakers songs was presented, instead of singing at the top of my lungs, i closed my eyes and prayed instead. I never went up the front and moshed like other years, and i only gave in once and went up for a "i want to be used by God" alter call... oh the weakness!!
However, i did still feel that a lot of the sermons were mainly stories, and not a lot of biblical truth. Chris Hill, the awesome black guy had an amazing presence and style, Don MacDonnel's prophecies and healings were cool, Shane Meyer totally funked everyone out, but weedy, weepy little Simon Barnett captured me way way way more.
Simon got up and the first thing he said was, "no no! please stop. I am nothing. We're gonna do this again, and this time clap for God, cos its about him, its nothing to do with me" AMEN!! SPEAK IT BROTHER!! *beams* exactly what i wanted to hear
Admittedly, Simon did have a lot of stories, but they were stories about how God has touched his life, and changed him, and used him in ways he never thought he would be. He cried a bit, which just added to his humble and genuine talk. He was honest and open with us, and i really felt like Simon considered himself an equal, an earthen vessel - not some superstar. I take back everything bad i've ever said about him!!
I liked Chris Pringle, who spoke on Saturday, but i kinda felt that she was mainly stories... which is a shame... she had flown over from Aus for a 1hour talk, and wasted it with stories =(
One of the coolest experiences for me, was Friday Night. I was grumpy as heck, cos no one had saved me a seat, i was stuck infront of a fan heater which went almost all night, was way too hot, losing my voice, dropping my sack at my friends, sick of planet shakers, and nearly crying with frustration (lol! go the hissy fits). And while i was battling with the tears, about to just flag it all and go home, i thought "when we dont feel like praising God, and we feel like we have nothing to praise him for, when we praise him anyway, it is way more pleasing to God than when we are on the mountaintop and praise comes easily." So i closed my eyes, and started speaking out words of how Amazing and Awesome God's creation is. And how Thankful i am for all the things he has done in my life. And prayed Blessings upon those i was mad with....
The power that came was unbelieveable. The holy spirit rained upon me in a different way. Healing came, and bad feelings melted away like snow under the winter sun...
When you can rise above your "feelings" - eg cynicism, hype, anger, despair, elation, and worship God wholeheartedly, regardless, its then that he will meet you in a great way, more fulfilling than the usual.
So even though Get Smart may have been a lot of hype, and more stories than hard bible, i still feel that its four days have changed my life in awesome ways.

represent!!

well yesss... here i am again! already another post! i wanted to post a poem, but i left it at home, so maybe another time. But only when the time is right...
Next sermon (hee hee)
"You have your Savior on the cross
While you sit on the throne
Put yourself up on that cross
And put your Savior on the throne"
Todays message is about dying to self and embracing our mission. I've been having a lot of trouble lately with my quiet times with God, but i find that when i am faithful, and earnest God does really meet me, and touch my day in a really cool way! Go God! lol! Sometimes we dont want to go to church. Sometimes we dont want to pray about a problem - we'd rather whinge, sometimes we dont want to have a daily time with God - cos we're too busy, sometimes we dont want to talk to that lonely person - they might be weird.
But life's not about what we do and dont want to do. Its about choosing the best way to represent God. We have to put our flesh to death, and start living for Jesus. We've gotta get our hearts in the correct place, and do what we think God wants us to do.
Hebrews 13v2
"Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some have entertained angels unawares.”
I believe we have to ask God what he wants us to do, what is his calling on our lives, where does he want us to go in the future, and what does he want us to do in the meantime.
And most importantly, we have to start living wholeheartedly for Jesus, following the word of the bible. When the King is at the Centre of our lives, our lives will show evidence of this =) When we start denying the things that are not of God a place in our life, we will begin to grow. When we put the mission of God as first place, we will begin to sprout (yay). Its all good to water and nourish the seed, but if it never yields a harvest, what good is it? If a harvest shows evidence of the farmer, what a proud farmer he will be =)

good to be back =)

aah.... reunited with my blog... its been a while - about a week since i've posted *gasp* noooo!! Although i noticed that Brehaut hasnt posted for aaaaaages!! Breaking the trend eh?!

Well i have many things to post about, mainly all drivel... but sometimes its easier to just a big long post on my blog, when you've been away for ages, rather than heaps of little comments on everyone else's blogs... so hope you dont mind (i dont care if you dont) if i just rant for a while on what everyone else has been posting about.

Firstly, i've been at Get Smart this past week, it used to be defined as a Youth Leadership Training Conference, but now its more like equipping people to reach the nations (next year its just called "Influence"- the Get Smart conference 2005). And what it is is international speakers talking. Like seminars during the day, and church services at night. All quite awesome really =) And as a result i've heard some great stuff, and i'm going to preach at you all for the next few days, hee hee!
The thing that is freshest on my mind is "we've gotta have a heart for the nations". the Second coming will only happen when all the people groups on the earth have heard the gospel. Which kinda presents a problem, right? It means that somebody is going to have to move... and go to these people groups and tell them.
Now this is people directly around us - eg at Work, school or on Campus
People in OUR nation - Christchurch, Paekakariki, New Zealand... etc
People in OTHER nations - this can even be split into two groups
Areas like our own eg Europe, North America
Areas completely different to our own, eg Africa and Asia
And what we need to do now is to
A) if we dont have a heart for the nations, pray and ask God to give us one...
B) pray that other people would desire to see nations won in Jesus' name
C) get involved in some missions activities
At a local level - maybe behind the scenes, eg minding the children of the ladies in your churches craft group, as often non-christian women come to these outreach groups,
Or directly, eg starting up or joining an already established group to teach biblically based parenting skills to those in your community.
At a national level, pray, financially support other groups in other cities, maybe go to another area and start or join some programmes there.
At an international level join your church missions group, PRAY =), plan a mission to another area, talk to groups like YWAM about strategies they offer...

Etc... One of Ruth's favourite songs goes like this:
You said, "ask and you will receive whatever you need."
You said, "pray and I'll hear from heaven,
and I'll heal your land."

You said Your glory will fill the earth
like water the sea.
You said, "lift up your eyes;
the harvest is here, the kingdom is near."

You said, "ask and I'll give the nations to you."
oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart.
distant shores and the islands will see
Your light, as it rises on us

O Lord, I ask for the nations...

And that needs to be the cry of our hearts. We can't sit in our little boxes and equip ourselves with all the teachings, and all the sermons in the world if we dont do anything with it! God needs us to do His work =)

Aah... well thats the first sermon down... Must go off to Spanish class now... He he - i had pols from 1-3 and i took Coldrex for my stinking cold/cough before leaving for Christchurch and it made me so sleepy i nearly feel asleep in class a number of times, heh heh!! so i've just finished a mochaccino!
Later i would like to post on Reuben's ideas about the World and who is in control...

Just briefly i'd like to say a big HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!! To Philotas who has gone wild with posting lately, hee hee... I will comment sometime buddy!! And another big HELLOOOOOOO To Jess who i love heaps, despite her stunning good looks, fantastic figure, caring nature, delightful personality, and love for children... hee hee! You're awesome Jess... *sob* An 'ello govner' to Kelly who was in my pols tutorial last year and i decided then that she was pretty cool, and i wanted to be friends, but obviously she didnt hear the psychic message until a few weeks ago, hee hee. An OI YOU! to Este... who is such a primo chick... A How YOU doin' *with a raised eyebrow and sifty grin* to Breo! (oh my gosh - Breo hugged me yesterday! *yay!* and i was so shocked i could only stand there and grin! You have conquered your fear!) A GOOD ON YA MATE to Sal and Heln who have put up with me for the last few days LEECH!! hee hee...
And thats all i've got time for now!!

aah does Jess know how to host a good evening!

i slept with someone last night after having seen them maybe 2 months ago, but only being introduced 2 weeks ago. yup. some might say thats jumping into a relationship... and it did feel a little weird, but i guess its a compliment to the person who's bed i shared that they put me at ease enough to sleep beside them. =)
Many many seemingly dodgy quotes can be taken from this crazy experience!
These arent exact exact quotes, but are fairly close to what was said:
-i slept with someone last night after meeting them two weeks ago.
-want me to cook you breakfast? its a fair trade seeing as you let me sleep with you.
-thankyou for asking if you can sleep in my bed. most people i know would just jump right in.

aw well thats all i can think of at present... but now i will explain so you're not left hanging, heh heh
I went to Jess's house for Monty Python last night and MP kicked arse, then we all got so relaxed, sharing our feelings and drawing on others faces while they peacefully, blissfully unawares, slept on, that it was rather late /early by the time everyone finally decided to leave. So i asked Jess if i could sleep over to save driving home.. and she even offered me half of her bed! blankets and duvet included! Generous lass that Jess...
So i sed yep... but then i was like "hmm.. this is weird!! i barely know you, and i've only ever shared a bed with another girl once!" but i thought what the hey, its a large bed. And admittedly i feared rolling over all night, and ended up with a numb leg for lying on the same side for too long, he he, but it was nice. We bonded... and, just to make all you guys paranoid, we talked about ya. yup. good girly talks. We even decided on who the most eligible batchelor out of the lot of ya is... yup. exciting talk last night! (/this morning)

Monty Python was way better than I expected too... rather amusing =) my favourite one was the skit with the sheep that were robbing banks and stuff, tee hee hee!
All in all... a great evening of hilarity and shenanegans, plus some Monty python, lol, and a comfy bed to sleep in! Yay go Jess! And yay! go everyone else who was there... you guys are awesome =o) (even the masters of the darkside who defaced me and reduced me to the confused laughingstock, lol!)

and just remember - no two people are not on fire!

i so staunch

okay... im done being sad =)
I got to see heaps of my friends... went to Dans place last night, just 4 of us were there however, and we spent the evening watching Strongbad emails lol... sad geeks that we are! Then i saw almost everyone else at church today... Even saw Josh, who i havent seen for aaaaages. And we played cards, which i lost almost every time, lol... how predictable *grin* i kept forgetting the rules, hee hee
I've been hearing some awesome quotes lately... i should start writing them down though, cos i keep forgetting them!
Okay, well i just wanted to post as back to my former staunch self... no more pity party for me, lol!! hee hee
toodles! =)

bah humbug!

argh! im getting annoyed! there are too many people i know with blogs!! how can i ever write about anything personal when people i know are reading it? its weird... like having my diary out in plain view .. hmm..
Well i'd just like to say, to hell with it. i'm going to post anyway, and i dont care what you all think (you know thats lies... you all know i do!) (lol) The main problem with what im about to post about is that i'm going to see most of you over the next few weeks, and you all know im real staunch, but after you read my latest posts you'll start to think i'm a wuss!! hee hee

Im kinda upset tonight. I dont know why. Well i do. i think. I miss people. i miss Nathan. And i miss Ruthie. And i miss Estie muffin. And i miss Joy. And i miss Andy and Malcolm from Geography class - who are just random guys who i've talked to occasionally who'd be weirded out if they read on the internet that i miss them, lol. And Ruth from ling. and Daria from pols... ='( waaaaah!
I think its just one of those patches i go through every so often. Where i think "im bored with life. there must be something more than this?! surely?" I need a new challenge.
i watched most of Pearl Harbor today, to try and get an idea of costumes for my 1940's murder mystery party... and i wasnt impressed with the way it fobbed love off... easy to switch affections, easy to forget someone you've pledged yourself to. Bah! I dont know how to explain it really, but it made me grumpy. And stupid whats-her-name ended up all fine and dandy, didnt she!! still managed to get herself a man out of it all! grr... hollywood love *thumbs down*

Guess the best thing when you feel like this is to have your barney with God and let him salve it all =)

walk along here, feel you move somewhere in front of me
i cant place you with these eyes for the doubt
i cant see
how could someone so beautiful
feel something for me?
hold me and love me and touch me again
and show me why i believe

ouch, tonight, and Shakespearean rantings

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aah... my neck ache has now turned into shoulder/back ache. *yay* sweet sweet back ache is a thousand times better than neck ache! At least i can think! Go the warrior!

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If you want to do something with me tonight, and i sure hope you do cos i am bored! Then text me/call me/email me/comment on this post ANYTHING I SAY! or if you are doing something that i am permitted to also do! anything for this sad, bored loser, lol!! ha ha.

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*grin*
And for the second thing i want to attend to:
My only love sprung from my only hate!/ Too early seen unknown, and known too late!/ Prodigious birth of love it is to me,/ That i must love a loathed enemy.

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?/ It is the east, and Juliet is the sun/ Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon/ Who is already sick and pale with grief/ That thou, her maid, art more fair than she./
It is my lady, O it is my love;/ O that she knew she were!/ She speaks yet she says nothing. What of that?/ See how she leans her cheek upon her hand./ O that i were a glove upon that hand,/That i might touch that cheek!/
O speak again, bright angel, for thou art/ As glorious to this night, being o'er my head,/ As a winged messenger of heaven.

O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?/ Deny thy father and refuse thy name/ Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
and i'll no longer be a Capulet/ 'Tis thy name that is my enemy:/ Thou art thy self, though not a Montague./ O be some other name! What's Montague?/ It is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face,/ nor any other part belonging to a man./ What's in a name? That which we call a rose/ By any other name would smell as sweet:/ So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called,/ retain that dear perfection which he owes,/without that title. Romeo, doff thy name;/ And for thy name, which is no part of thee,/ Take all myself.

Goodnight, goodnight, parting is such sweet sorrow,/ That i shall say goodnight till it be morrow.

Wilt thou be gone? it is not yet near day:/ It was the nightingale, and not the lark,/ That pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear./ Nightly she sings on yond pom'granate tree./ Believe me love, it was the nightingale.

It was the lark, the herald of the morn;/ No nightingale. Look, love, what envious streaks/ Do lace the severing clouds in yonder east./ Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day/ Stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops./ I must be gone and live, or stay and die.

Yond light is not daylight; i know it, I:/ It is some meteor that the sun exhaled/ To be to thee this night a torchbearer/ And light thee on thy way to Mantua./ Therefore stay yet; thou needst not to be gone.

Let me be ta'en, let me be put to death;/ I am content, so thou wilt have it so./ I'll say yon gray is not the morning's eye,/ 'Tis but the pale reflex of Cynthia's brow;/ Nor that is not the lark whose notes do beat/ The vaulty heaven so high above our heads./ I have more care to stay than will to go:/ Come, death and welcome: Juliet wills it so./ It is not day.

It is, it is! Hie hence, be gone, away!/ It is the lark that sings so out of tune/ O now be gone! More light and light it grows.

More light and light, more dark and dark our woes.

Aah.... *soft sigh* pleasurable Shakespeare to warm my cold day!

setting my brother up...

the dinner last night was a success =) *yay* I cooked... (as you all know) (and as i am still alive to write this now it cant have been that bad) (so you think.... mwa ha ha ha) (what about everyone else... you heard from them? noooooooooo)
Er *cough* anyways, yeah! it was good!! Funny story: I was cooking chicken in pastry,with ham and cheese inside, and everytime i checked the chicken in the oven it was still very pink inside. Like raw-pink colour. And after 45 minutes mum was going nato, and i was really dropping my sack too... ARGH! STUPID CHICKEN! (everytime you say 'chicken' you have to go "sheek-on" and rub your finger over your top lip, like a moustache, and say "e-heh-heh-heh" which is a manly french laugh... you'll like doing it!) (blame Aaron Frew... its all his fault) *ahem* anyway, yeah so after ages it was still looking raw... and i was ready to get really mad with that chicken... so i decided to cut it all in half, that way it could cook faster... *blush* this is the embarassing part... and when i cut it in half, i realised that it was perfectly cooked. It had been the ham inside the chicken that i had been cutting into previously, lol
er anyway so yeah. the dinner was good... food was nice... M is still as funny as always, so it was nice to have him over, not as awkward as i thought it would be. Plus he did heaps of stuff with our family until he was about 16 years old, so its only been 6 years or so since we've had him over, and he hasnt changed much. Comes out with the best quotes ever... nice! Mum and dad went to bed about 9 so us younguns stayed up til 10.30 chatting, which was fun =)
ahh *short sigh* im happy that that went well. i was worried it was going to fall flat on its face! Thanks God!!

='(

okay... i've finally cracked. (not like that, either... that was a long time ago). Today Joy left... and i'm crying. Its not dark, and im not not wearing makeup. Dammit! Those were two specific conditions i was only going to cry under... argh! Hopefully this mascara is as waterproof as it says it is... Okay well im not going to say anything more or you'll all know that i'm a wuss deep down inside... (except for these two things ive noticed: tears dripping off your chin are tickly... and my nose goes red when i get upset. lol ha ha *grin*)