Leave the Light On

I need to keep
the light switched on
so darkness stays away
and horrid thoughts
that overwhelm
can be kept at bay

I'm shrinking fast
there's not much left
bar skin and clothes and bones
where have I gone?
what makes me me?
You'd think even I would know

But all i have
are angry curses
and darkness and despair
thoughts of running
escaping life
finding some peace somewhere

Its awfully bright
and empty, so
I think I'll turn it off
Darkness, again,
slides around me
familiar but unsafe

Could you please come
and be with me,
hunched here in the corner
remind me that
you do exist,
restore me to myself.

Finding Neverland

And last for now - Finding Neverland, featuring Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet.

Another enchanting film that takes you captive and weaves a spell around you. Johnny Depp is very sweet as J.M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan, and I was pleased to see that the film present him innocently (rather than as some sort of child molester). A very sweet movie that you will need your tissues for - I highly recommend it.

Chocolat

And for a positive one - Chocolat starring Juliette Binoche and Judi Dench

What a wonderful film! Chocolat is the story of a woman, Binoche, and her daughter, who travel around making chocolate. They end up in a small French village ruled by rigid values, a strict mayor, and deep in to the period of lent. Their Chocolaterie is strongly opposed by some, yet brings wonderful life change to others.

Just as a good chocolate takes hold of you, and captures you in its spell, so does this film, as it weaves its enchantment over you and takes you hostage! Juliette Binoche is gorgeous, as is Johnny Depp, and Dame Judi does, as always, a great job. A really lovely film that I totally recommend.


[I wanted to add that this film reminded me of 'As it is in Heaven', a Swedish film about a musician who brings freedom to a repressed town, also features the battered wife etc]

Schindler's List

I finally watched Schindler's List!

I'm sure everyone knows the plot - Oskar Schindler, a member of the Nazi party, hires Jewish workers for his factory and ends up saving their lives. Well, its not as simplified as that, but you get the drift.

Very moving, emotionally draining, and well worth watching. I can't say I enjoyed the film, but I'm certainly glad that I watched it.

The Tuxedo

Movie review: The Tuxedo, starring Jackie Chan and Jennifer Love Hewitt

Not as good as I expected... Chan plays a taxi driver who works for a super-spy unit, and ends up as a secret agent.

Kind of fun for a bit of light entertainment, but the amount of damage and the rude Love Hewitt spoiled it a bit for me.

Watch it if you have nothing better to watch.

Cruel World

Last book review - honestly! (well for now...)

Cruel World: The Children of Europe in the Nazi Web, by Lynn H. Nicholas

Wow, what an interesting book. Paints Europe as a total mess of displaced and relocated people. Spanish children sent away to avoid Franco's revolution, French children moved to avoid the Nazi invasion, British children sent to the country to avoid the bombing, Jews moved everywhere, Poles pushed East, Latvians sent to Poland, Russians working in Germany... what a mess! I was expecting details of experiments and mass death, which the book did have, but not as in depth and detailed as 'Doctors from Hell'. This book is 558 pages long, and not surprisingly, I only got to about page 351. It was enough for me to see that not only Germany, but the whole of Europe was very confused, and full of all sorts of horrible things that children should never have to endure. It also left me wondering what life must have been like for those who survived, with such a confused identity and harsh life.

These books are really making me realise what a privileged world we now live in. It may not always seem that way, but when you read something like this, you feel that you should appreciate the life you've got, because generally it doesn't come close to the horror of the life that these people had.

Waffen-SS

Yet another book review! The Black Angels, by Rupert Butler

This is about the Nazi SS super crew - the Waffen-SS. This book looked so interesting that I couldn't even bring myself to read it. As Nathan so astutely noticed, I have rather single-focussed taste in movies and books. I think I may be satisfying my war craving, because I had four weeks to read this one, and didn't open it once. Maybe one day...

The Lost Garden

Book review: The Lost Garden, by Helen Humphreys

A sweet wee novel about a lady horticulturalist who flees wartime London to grow vegetables for England. (A la 'Dig for Victory' campaign) She finds unexpected love in all sorts of ways. The ending even had me reaching for a hanky. Nothing life changing, but great for a cosy afternoon sitting in front of the fire (and isn't that the purpose of a novel?).



[For those with a feed, please excuse the numerous corrections!!]

Sponsor a Child

Is anyone out there interested in sponsoring a child through TEAR Fund? I recently rejoined as an advocate, but now that I'm not working or in a church I'm finding it hard to "advertise" for them.
It is pretty similar to the more well known World Vision approach, although TEAR Fund have more of a Christian content, and a large focus on micro-enterprise (Basically empowering the poor to be able to help themselves, rather than relying on handouts, and providing loans so that they can start their own businesses). It is $40 per month, and the money goes to the community in general, but in a way that your child will benefit - eg water pumps, education, clothing, food, immunisation, etc.

At the moment I have a profile of an African Boy, and an Indian girl, otherwise you can specify the country/sex of the child you wish to sponsor and TEAR Fund can send you one.

At present, I sponsor a girl in Nicaragua, and it is so wonderful to receive her letters and drawings. I really believe that I am special to her, and that I am making a difference in her life. We have her photo on our fridge, and pray for her sometimes, and she really feels like a part of the family!!

Please let me know if you are interested. $40 a month works out at about $1.30 a day, and when you put it like that, its nothing really.

Charlotte Gray: The Movie

Charlotte Gray, 2001, Starring Cate Blanchett and directed by Gillian Armstrong.

I really enjoyed this when I saw it for the first time, although my opinion was a little tarnished after I read the Novel (See previous post).

The movie is dramatic and action packed, with Charlotte taking part in important Resistance activities with Octave and friends. I found the scene where the group is mown down by the Nazis to be deeply moving, and was surprised that Charlotte was not involved in these Resistance activities in the Novel, nor was the group mown down - merely interrogated. I considered the movie Charlotte a bit of a liability for her annoying attempts to track down her airman, especially when she stops her first contact (the lady in the cafe) to ask for information and ends up stalling her for long enough that the Nazis take her away. Charlotte later finds out that the woman has been shot, and it is essentially Charlotte's fault. I guess I sort of had a romanticised picture of the women who fought for the resistance, and was surprised, both in the novel and the movie, when Charlotte was pretty ordinary and prone to depression.

I won't spoil the plot for anyone, but I loved Julien (Octave), and the final scene of the movie was a real highlight for me.

So although I found the movie disappointing to watch after I had read the Novel, I originally found it enthralling. The costuming and setting were great, the music was lovely, and Andre and Jacob were so sweet. As I said before, I had to watch the movie after finishing the book so that things could be 'right' in my head, but I think that they complement each other well. You find out more about the boys and Levade in the Novel, and about Charlotte's strange relationship with her father, however the movie was great for its action, and its Julien! The only thing that I really did not like about this movie, which was a huge stumbling block at first, was that everyone in "France" spoke English, and with British accents. I was so confused by this, and really felt that it spoiled a great movie. Adam suggested that it was to maintain continuity - as either everyone would have had to speak English with cheesy French accents (pretty confusing - are they speaking English with French accents, or are they French?) or to have them speak in French, but with subtitles (For an hour? How un-Hollywood) or simply have everyone speak in English, and just pretend it is French (odd, but does the job). After I had thought about it, it was a lot easier to enjoy the movie.

So apart from minor details with a slightly dopey Lead character, and odd portrayal of French speakers, I enjoyed it and totally recommend it.

Charlotte Gray: The Novel

Third book review: Charlotte Gray, by Sebastian Faulks

Having already seen the movie based on this book, I was expecting to find the book like a longer version of the movie. It was actually quite different, and while I liked some parts more, others I preferred in the movie adaptation.

Charlotte Gray is the story of a Scottish lady who travels to England to work during the war, and falls in love with an emotionally scarred airman, Peter Gregory. She feels that he desperately needs her, and that her love is crucial to him. His plane is shot down over France, and Charlotte goes to France to find him, while serving as a British Secret Courier. She defies her superiors and remains in France after completing her mission, compelled by her love for France, and hoping to find Gregory. While in France, Charlotte lives in a small village, and is touched by the lives of two small Jewish boys, and the Jewish father of her French Resistance contact. The book follows the stories of these three characters until the very end, unlike the movie which has a romanticised, though still unpleasant, ending for them.

Charlotte comes across to me as an ordinary woman, who could have compromised the British Resistance in her quest to find her Airman. I was expecting a rather more heroic and involved character, and was slightly disappointed by this. In the film, Gregory drops off the scene after being shot down, and the love plot becomes a bit irritating, however in the book, you hear from him as he attempts to return to England. This made Charlotte's quest more believable for me, and did not come across as an impediment (as in the movie).

I felt that the book was beautifully written, gripping, and very poignant. I only had two downers - the lack of importance of Charlotte's role in the Resistance, and the ending. The movie was tense and action packed, and I felt that Charlotte was a help to the Resistance. In the book, I felt that she was a bit useless, and interfering, and rather rude to use the Resistance as a cover for searching for her lover. I enjoyed the twist at the end of the movie, and thus, found the book's end to be shallow and hollow. I was so disappointed that I had to watch the movie again so that the "right" ending would be stuck in my head!!

Gripes aside, Charlotte Gray was a good read, and I couldn't put it down.

The Master Plan

Next book: 'The Master Plan: Himmler's Scholars and the Holocaust', Heather Pringle, 2006

This book is primarily about the Ahnenerbe, A Nazi institute that researched the mythical Aryan race and other historical 'evidence' to support the Reich.

I found The Master Plan difficult to read, and so did not get much past the first chapter (by which stage I knew almost everything that was going to happen in the rest of the book). In my opinion, Pringle could have improved the readability of the book by having a more story-telling approach.

Of the parts I did read, I was intrigued (not enough to continue reading the book) by the crazy stuff that went on here! The research and its results was largely fabricated, but used by the Nazis to rewrite history. The institute held secret missions to far away countries, studying race, eugenics, archaeology, weird things like runic stuff and witches, and then used it to justify mass extermination of humans.

Fascinating stuff, but trying to read the book felt to me like ploughing through a muddy paddock - hard.

The Sock Lord

I was SURE I had recently bought a pair of black merino socks, but strangely, when I remembered their existence, weeks after purchasing them, and searched through my drawer, they were nowhere to be found. Suddenly, I remembered the COLOSSAL SOCK THIEF that lives in my house....
so I searched the Monster's pile of socks on the dresser, half an hour later I searched the pile in the washing basket, three hours after that, I searched the Monster's draw. First I found a small-looking sock. AHA! I cried, MY SOCK! Alas, when I tried it on, the heel came nearly to my knees. Still I searched, when, pushed to the back of the draw, obscured from view, I found.... MY SOCKS! Like Cinderella with the glass slipper, I gingerly slipped my feet into a cosy black sock. It fit perfectly.
Without delay, I rescued the pair of socks, transported them to a place of security and peace.
And to think, if I had not rescued them sooner, a gargantuan foot may have deflowered them, spoiling their innocence and shapely form.
Live on, black socks, today has brought your freedom.

Doctors from Hell

The first book in my quest to enlightenment was the happily titled "Doctors from Hell: the horrific account of Nazi experiments on humans", by Vivien Spitz, 2005.

Spitz, an American of German descent, volunteered to be a typist at the Nuremberg trials in post-war Germany. She arrived after the main trials of the more well-known criminals, and spent most of her time on the trials of Nazi doctors. Spitz did not speak of her experience for many decades, and official details of the trials were themselves restricted until the 1980s. Since then, Spitz has travelled around the world, teaching about the horrors of the Nazi experiments, with the hope of preventing such atrocities from happening again.

This is not the sort of book you pick up off the library shelf and browse on a rainy Sunday afternoon. However, the book was relatively easy to read, with increasingly cumbersome summaries of its content in the introduction, conclusion, and at the beginning and end of each chapter. Doctors from Hell is not a pleasant read, and contains graphic descriptions and photographs of the subjects of the experiments, presented as evidence during the trial.

The thing that most stood out to me when reading this book was the discovery that Jews were not the only ones who were persecuted by the Nazis. Criminals, the mentally ill, disabled people, homosexuals, those who were not permitted to have sex with pure Germans but did, Gypsies, POWs, Poles, Czechs, and Russians were all imprisoned in concentration camps, and were all candidates for the experiments. I did not realise that the camps were for those other than Jews, and I believe that it is easy to think "oh yeah, WWII - the holocaust - gassing of Jews" and to be a bit complacent about the whole thing. You know - we've heard it all before, and yes it was horrible, but...
For me, it was a shake-up to hear of the universality of Nazi persecution. Yes, it is horrible that so many Jews were ill-treated, but to learn that so many other groups were also abused somehow expands the horror in my mind. And yes, while I think it is very important that we remember the suffering of the Jewish people, I think it is also important to remember that so many others suffered too.
I'm not sure if that paragraph came out as I wanted it to. I'm trying to say that I believe Jewish persecution was horrible, and it is good that the world remembers that, and also thinks its horrible, but it is actually so much more than that. I'm not suggesting that we're over-focussed on the Jews, but that perhaps we should also teach about countless others who were persecuted.

Anyway, I found this book fascinating, it was about something of which I previously knew very little. I also could see that there were perfectly noble intentions behind the experiments - what scientist wouldn't want to know the effects of mustard gas, altitude sickness, typhoid, and freezing water on humans. The problem was that testing mustard gas on a fellow human was never going to be acceptable, plunging a person in to tanks of icy water for hours was never considered humaine, cutting chunks out of bones and grafting others on was never going to be painless. The idea of experimenting on humans was never a nice one, and yet it was done. I imagine that the dehumanisation of camp inmates helped the doctors to feel less like they were operating on a human being - when a person is devoid of identity, dignity, sanity, health, are they really a person, or just a body? A body to be operated on, in the pursuit of knowledge.

In my opinion, the most shocking experiment was that of killing a group of Jews so that their bones could be put in acid, stripping off all flesh, and sent to a museum as specimens. Did any of those who viewed this exhibition over the following decades ever dream that the skeletons were prepared especially for them? That innocent people were murdered so that the curious could look at their bones?

No, Doctors from Hell is not a nice read at all. It challenges, offends, hurts, appalls, and angers. But I believe it is important to never forget the horrors of history, and the dangerous Third Reich that desired to control the world. With eyes wide open I shall view the world. Thank you, Vivian Spitz, for further opening my eyes.

Lashings of my opinions on things

Seeing as I have been using my unemployed time very productively, I thought I might post my reviews on the books I have read and movies I have watched. I shall not, in the grand literary fashion of 'Go fug yourself', be totally scathing, offensive, and scrutinising of every possible fault. Instead, I shall be horribly rude and critical. No, I jest. I will be my usual fair self. [*cue raucous laughter* Yes, I know that some of you will view that remark with the skepticism and irony that you viewed my previous post on feeling self conscious when in public, as some of you know that I can also look at others and make observations (some may prefer to call them 'judgements'), however, I digress...]

I also thought it might be a productive use of my spare time!

Anyway, on with the reviews!!

I must confess that I even felt guilty about writing that post on feeling guilty....

Anxious of You

"You've been invited to your partner's work do and you're stressing about what to wear and how you might cope with meeting a new group of people. You consider making an excuse not to go but decide you should to keep your partner happy. While you're there, you're churning inside but manage to keep up a facade that you're really enjoying yourself. But you go to pieces when you get home, worrying about what you said and what other people may think of you.
For about 5% of the population who have a social phobia, this is a familiar scenario. The condition is characterised by a disabling fear that other people will find fault with them or think that they are incompetent, strange, or unacceptable. This can lead to them either avoiding the situation they are afraid of or putting up with it, which can lead to them suffering intense distress."
-Article "More Than Shyness..." Healthfirst Magazine, July 2007

When I read this, and the rest of the article, I really felt like I was reading about myself.

Sometimes I get so anxious about being in a social gathering with other people that I would rather stay home and cry than go. This happened a lot during the summer of 2004 when I had just gone flatting, and I attributed it to depression. I particularly remember being invited to a friend's 21st party, but not being able to find anyone to go with me, and then being so afraid of going by myself that I stayed home and wept. The girl was leaving to go overseas soon after, and I have never seen her again. I have always regretted not being strong enough to attend her party, or tell her why I did not go.
I also remember countless times of Adam being driven mad by my rage at not feeling confident enough to attend a certain event, usually with his friends. I would stay at home, while he went, rather than face them.
When I am in a store I am extremely self conscious. For example, yesterday I went to the local video hire shop. I had to stand a particular way, because I didn't want the shop assistant to see I was breathing through my mouth (as I have a cold), my eyes were constantly darting around, believing that everyone was watching me, thinking rude thoughts about me.
Sometimes I will tell my husband a story, "I was at a cafe today, and it was full of posh people who kept staring at me like I was scum, with my dirty trousers and wayward hair. They glared at me, and turned their noses up when I smiled at them". He doesn't believe these stories, and maintains that I am over-analysing everything, that the people probably didn't even notice me, and certainly weren't thinking offensive thoughts about me.

But in my head they are.
They are obsessed with me, with how I am breathing, with my weight, with what I am wearing, with how I present myself, and most of all, what I say.



It feels good to put my thoughts down. Good because there is a certain freedom that comes with being open, and voicing the nagging analyses flying through my head.
As I wrote this last part, it made me wonder if maybe its not an outright Social Phobia, but if I really was right, and that my feelings of anxiety are actually triggered by events.
-I didn't want to socialise in 2004 because I was depressed about my Aunty moving away, and sick of repetitive conversations within a group of friends.
-I didn't go to the 21st because I had been to a previous party of this girl, and had been completely ignored by all but one of the snobby Girls High girls present.
-I get scared about going to gatherings of Adams friends because one of them told him that she didn't think I was right for Adam, and had an annoying sense of humour. Perhaps it is logical to be afraid of that.
-I am often cautious of Navs gatherings, as a person told Adam that I had an anger problem, could not deal with my issues, and had once shot her a deathly look during a group discussion. Again, perhaps it is normal to be anxious of seeing this person, when I had only been twice or three times actually IN a social setting with this person when they complained to my husband. How would they know my problems? But then, can't you see why I may think that everyone is analysing me, interpreting every expression on my face, noting down every little comment I make.

Perhaps it is totally normal that I am nervous about being in public, about being critiqued and analysed, and hated. Its true that I was bullied at highschool, that certain people did whisper abuse as I walked past, or take offense to my clothing.

Maybe I'm just normal and we are all afraid of what others think of us.



Why are you looking at me?
Am i so strange?
You talk amongst yourselves
Whats wrong with me today?

I have said many floaty things
not meant seriously
But you heard them and formed
strong opinions of me

I am too short, too fat, too dumb
hair too thick, eyes too blue
I have the wrong interests,
wrong hobbies, wrong talents

God do you love me,
cos I can't hear your voice
don't feel your touch
have you given up, too?

Guilty

Do being a Christian and often feeling guilty go hand in hand?

I feel guilty about not going to church.
I feel guilty about having nice things when there are poor people living near us.
I feel guilty about thinking about building our own house when there are millions of starving people in the world who live in tin shacks.
I feel guilty about thinking Rafael Nadal is cute.
I feel guilty about wasting last weeks casserole.
I feel guilty about throwing out the freezer bitten meat patties that I bought early last year.
I feel guilty about not buying something when I enter the Trade Aid store.
I feel guilty about being vain if I buy new makeup.
I feel guilty if I don't want to reply to someone who has texted me.
I feel guilty if I forget to respond to an email.
I feel guilty about watching Home and Away on tv.
I feel guilty about not having met our neighbours yet.
I feel guilty about not particularly wanting to meet our neighbours.
I feel guilty about choosing not to have a job, rather than having been laid off.
I feel guilty about sitting at home all day not working.
I feel guilty about not reading my bible often.
I feel guilty when I think about what it would have been like if I had left everything here to go overseas at the start of 2005.
I feel guilty about not wanting to wash the dishes again.
I feel guilty about having a long shower with the bathroom heater going.

As you can see, I feel guilty about lots of things. Some of these things I feel guilt about are irrational - for example, feeling guilty because I didn't buy something in a shop. However, I feel that some of the above things are 'bad' and therefore I should feel guilty about them - being rich when others are poor, thinking rude thoughts about other people, not reading my bible.
Should I, as a Christian, feel guilty about bible reading, praying, church attendance, swearing in my head, thinking a tennis star is fab, not wanting to do household chores, etc?
Should I constantly feel that my efforts are not good enough, that I am constantly letting others down, and I will always fall short of any kind of acceptable standard, both worldly or Godly?
Because I do feel this way, and sometimes it's hard to find a 'normal' person underneath with all this worry going on.

The Importance of Being Darcy

There is a question that has plagued the literary mind for many years, and begs to be answered: Why did Fitzwilliam Darcy appear so proud and conceited? Was it that he was merely shy, and did not like foreign company or dancing? Was he fed up with the simpering attentions of females like Caroline Bingley or Mrs Bennett? Or had bad experiences, like that with Wickham, cautioned him against those who may be interested only in his fortunes (thus turning him against nearly all the female species)?

Until now, we have had to satisfy ourselves with these, or similarly poor explanations. But no more shall we suffer with these pale attempts at analysing Darcy. The time has come when our question has been answered by an enlightened one, and this shall be the theory to top all theories, that which will satisfy even the most Austen-oriented mind. Thanks to Coleen V., we can employ a better understanding of the stiff Darcy, and put our uneasy minds to rest. Our handsome, haughty hero has been exposed as an ordinary man, pushed to his limits by ..... an extraordinary pair of trousers.