the wrong size.

I went to church today. I've been to about three morning church services in the last 3-4 months, so its been a while...

I've been trying to work out how to post on this for the last few months, but its hard to compose exactly how I feel and express it in comprehensible words. I just don't feel like I fit anymore. I don't know if its a new intellectual plane I've arrived on, a general gripe that many have with the Western church, or if i'm just being picky.

Today for the first time I understood why people who haven't grown up in a church-going family might find church strange and awkward. For a start there's singing. If you're not a great singer yourself, then it can be very hard to sing along, keeping both pitch and tune. Secondly what if you dont agree with the words you're supposed to be singing? "All i want is you" What if thats not always true? Should we sing it anyway? What about "Now that you're near, everything is different" What if it doesn't seem very different at all? Sing empty lyrics? Sing without conviction?
After singing, there's a sermon. What if the sermon is something you don't really understand, eg. Someone ranting a lot about Jesus this and that, but what if you don't really even know who Jesus is?
Then there's the people. Week after week you sit by yourself, gaining little more than the odd polite "hello" accompanied by small smile.
Why would you bother going?
I'm not saying that I think these are good ideas not to go to Church, but now I see why some people find church really hard.

Anyway, today was hard for me. My beloved and I decided to try a church where he knew people, and i'd heard the pastor was theologically sound. It was not a large church and we were obviously new. However, apart from stares, just one person (who already knew us) spoke to us. We even sat in an empty row, and when people came to sit down, they left empty seats next to us on both sides. (I shall add, however, that a lovely couple introduced themselves to us as the service was starting, and two more people spoke to us at the end.)
Now i'm not griping specifically at this church, but i've experienced the same thing at so many other churches in Christchurch. Why aren't we more friendly?! I am a strong Christian, so unfriendly Christians aren't going to put me off church, however for my Aunty, who hadn't been in a church in 20 years, and recently decided to return to church, unfriendly churchgoers at many churches have caused her to become disheartened and stop attending.

This reminds me of Mothers Day (in May) when I went home to my church in Rangiora. There was a lady sitting by herself, who I went and spoke to. It turned out that she had been attending the church for a year, and i was one of the first people who had spoken to her. (bearing in mind that this was my first time at the church in over 7 months) Wow. I can understand why there are a lot of hurting Christians out there, who don't want to return to church because of the unfriendliness they have faced, or the feeling that they don't really fit in.
We're so darned cliquey.
At least what i've seen over the past 10 months and visits to over 15 churches has made me realise that when i do finally get settled in a church, I am going to be the friendliest person there. Always looking out for new people and those sitting by themselves.

Maybe I'll write more later on the things I find hard with church, but yeah, at the moment, i still feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. If this was some new hobby i'd started, I would have quit long ago!