PAUSE!

Adam and I went to Burnside Elim last week. I still really like it, but was too scared to go by myself this morning. The thing I still cling to about church, despite all my disillusions with the other parts, is that it convicts me. Any little, or big, thing in my life that doesn't sit quite right is always brought into my mind and I have to deal with it, usually in a rather uncomfortable crying scene of repentence and proclamation of God's majesty, which is over quickly, yet always makes me resolve to go to church services more often to avoid such obvious expression of my inward state, yet never quite manages to convict me strongly enough for me to go the next week, or even the week after that, and convinces me that I should be making more of an effort every morning to exalt and glorify God from the confines of my bedroom, yet that resolve also wanes rather quickly. (wasnt that a wonderously long sentence?)
In short, I can blunder along on my own, furiously trying to connect with God, hiding away in my room, desperately seeking a moment of closeness with him that would break this drought of emptiness, trying to regain the chunk of me that I feel i've lost in the past year, listening intently for the whisper of His voice, haltingly trying to talk to Him, and yet failing. again. instead of being alone with Him, finding i'm only alone with me.
(oops - i said it would be 'in short'..)

At the moment i'm reading 'disappointment with God' by Philip Yancey. Its a really good book. However, I'm not disappointed with God, I'm disappointed with life.
It doesn't seem to be my friend anymore. If life is like a river, and everyone is caught up in it, being twisted and turned, carried away, taken up and involved, then i'm increasingly feeling like i'm standing on the bank, watching it rush by, not having a reason to dive back in. Or maybe I'm on the surface and can't quite plunge under, clinging to Adam like a buoy. He is immersed in the river, yet I draw him to the surface, briefly dragging him away from his life. I'd like to get back in that river, where we all drift together, toss myself into its throes.

This past year has been interesting. I feel like i've gradually withdrawn until not much of me is left there. I don't see many friends, meet with fellow christians (commonly termed 'go to church'), participate in any clubs or activities, help anyone else, speak with God.
What an odd year.
I shall try and find the key to getting back in the river, then I may join you all there.