rant alert.

I cant stand my brother. I’m sorry and I hate being this way. but I just dislike him so much.
he is such an arrogant jerk. He expects everyone else to bow down to him, and yet he will bow down to no one else.
what he needs is a good long time in the military.
to know what authority is.
and that we all need a hierarchy
argh.
I hate his pornography. I hate his filth.
He needs to exercise, to wash, to take more care about himself.
He needs to renew his mind, and his attitude towards others.
I hate the way he treats me. He makes me so mad.
You’re fat. You’re ugly. No boy would ever want you. You’re never going to get married. Why don’t you just move out? What the hell do you want? Why do you even come home anyway? Fuck off, bitch.

At Navs we’re praying for people we want to come to Christ. I put my brother down cos sometimes I get a burden for him. The rest of the time I just want him to go away.
What an awful view to have.
I wish I was more graceful and loving than I am.
Sometimes the biggest test of ones Christlikeness is within ones own family.
That sentence sounds pompous. Let me rephrase.
I think God’s biggest test of my christlikeness and inner change is with my family. I think my family is so difficult because otherwise it would be easy. I like loving other people, I like developing patience for difficult people, I like showing grace to those who try and hurt others.
But when it comes to my family? Sometimes its so flippin difficult.

We just bitch and moan and criticize and bring each other down. Stand there and watch while someone is laying into someone else because its easier than getting involved. You’ll only end up getting slagged yourself if you intervene.

Things are different since I moved out. I don’t feel like I fit in anymore. I feel like an outsider…
My brother is somehow louder, angrier, more antagonistic, swears a lot more. My father swears now. My mother is harsher, far more sensitive, snappy, and thinks that everything you say is a personal attack.

I wonder if that says anything about me? Maybe I helped to calm them down, soothe things? Maybe my stance on not-swearing influenced others’ vocabulary?
Or maybe we’re all just a pack of dogs and all that happened was one dog left the pack. It was always going to happen that the others would tear each other to pieces anyway.
Its human nature, isn’t it. That’s what I imagine hell to be like.
Us, left to our own devices. To rip and to tear at others, to abuse them; to simply be stuck in our own filthy humanity.

In some ways I worry that I’m so busy noticing the horrible things about my brother that I don’t even notice the nasty things in myself.
I’m so glad I’ve got God to help me with this stuff.

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

O LORD, I call to you; come quickly to me.
Hear my voice when I call to you.
May my prayer be set before you like incense;
may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice.
Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD;
keep watch over the door of my lips.
Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil,
to take part in wicked deeds
with men who are evildoers;
let me not eat of their delicacies


I will exalt you, my God the King;
I will praise your name for ever and ever.
Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and ever.
Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can fathom.
One generation will commend your works to another;
they will tell of your mighty acts.
They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and I will meditate on your wonderful works
They will tell of the power of your awesome works,
and I will proclaim your great deeds.
They will celebrate your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of your righteousness.
The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and rich in love.

The LORD is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made
You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.
The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and loving toward all he has made.
The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.
The LORD watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.
My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever.