oh nuts
i need you guys heaps today. please. okay, so i'm gonna need to be more specific or you'll all be really worried. Basically its my mum's birthday and i've already made her cry, and she's stormed off out somewhere. Its not as simple as it sounds... it wasnt really 'me' that made her cry... it was my uncle saying he wont come to our family tea tonight, cos he wanted to do it on sunday, and my other uncle saying he wont do sunday cos his family is going to a barbecue. I just walked right into it without knowing and ended up having to awkwardly watch while my mother yelled and cried and thrashed the dishes while washing them. I also had to listen to her rantings about not celebrating anything with her family ever again... etc etc.
But for some reason its stirred up a whole lot of stuff from the past, and while mum's gone out somewhere, i'm left here shuddering and gulping and producing much snot (ha) and wondering 'what's wrong with me?'
i guess to be really honest there is something wrong with me. And its probably that i've got a whole lot of unresolved stuff from the past thats coming up. In a post months ago i mentioned that one day i will post about my family, but i never have... and i dont know if i ever will... But basically we arent a family that talks, so my parents dont even know that i tried to kill myself many times over 5 years when i was younger, or that i wanted to run away, and we dont talk about Mum's problems with anger and depression....
Anything really, we dont talk. And right now thats stirring up stuff. Like thats probably why i dont talk to my friends when stuff is going wrong. And i guess i'm also worried that i will turn into the same sort of mother that my mum is - that i will rant and yell and throw things, and generally make my kids feel like they're a nuisance, which will cause them to get their affirmation from elsewhere, and wish they were somewhere else.
I decided a while ago that i didnt want kids, and my main justification was that it will totally wreck my body, but i think i have to admit that its also because i'm worried about how if i can't even control myself, and i dont know whats wrong with me, how will i be able to sow into someone else's life, and make them grow up and feel like they're awesome.
blah blah blah. anyway writing about it has helped me to calm down a bit. But its still a bit scary not really knowing why you are gasping for breath and feeling so worthless.
Argh. why am i so open? i'm not going to take any of this back. But dont look at me with pity.
Breathe in.... count to ten.... slowly breathe out...
Breathe in some more of God's comfort, and breathe out all the tension you've been holding in....
erm. i dont know how to finish off this post now... so i guess i'll just say
squirrels
and disappear.
oh wait. i need to say 2 more things: i had a test yesterday and it was really good.... i think it went well even :) And i got back the linguistics assignment that i was stressing about a couple of weeks ago. So i'm not as crash hot as i thought i was... and i got a D (pause for rueful face).... But i got my pols essay back and i got a B. So its not the end of the world :)
4 Comments:
Ooh! i can post anonymously on my own blog! he he!
Anyway, thanks heaps Fraser... i really appreciate your support (bloggish and textish) I guess in a way its a strange rough patch in that 90% of the time i'm fine... which is mostly good =) I dont really know what was up yesterday, nothing to be too worried about...
(thanks to Ruth for the love-therapy)
And yeah... um... lotsa snot :) Many tissues-full! (im sure you reeeeeeally wanted to know that :P )
Nuts (heh heh...)
It reminds me a bit of how my family used to be. I used to find myself stuck in the middle of it too. But at least you can cry about it - you really have no idea how releasing crying about stuff is until you can't. Back when I was young, I'd cry about everything (usually what my brother did to annoy me actually...). And then it'd be fine. These days I just can't seem to cry about anything - even if I really feel like crying about it. It's really weird... and I'm not sure whether it's just cause I always have a kind of deep joy of the Spirit in me or whether I'm just somehow emotionally hindered... mmm, there's a cheery thought... =)
Anyway, I blather. But I do know that I used to feel responsible for my parents poor relationship - even when looking back it plainly wasn't my fault... So I know how that can be.
By the sounds of it, you don't have too much trouble being open and honest with people - and that's a good place to be. And we here for you... (everybody say, 'awww' and feel all fuzzy).
Here's something for you though... I'm not sure if you've seen it before:
http://www.scarysquirrel.org/
For all sorts of squirrelly stuff. I definatly WOULDN'T recommend you visit the Squirrel Defamation League (http://www.deadsquirrel.com/) because they're very anti-squirrels. However, I did find this headline there quite amusing: "Fourth squirrel attack to cost $30,000 at University of Alabama". =)
OHMYGOSH I so know how bad yucky horrible family issues are - but that still doesn't qualify me to make it all better right away, so I'll just offer sympathy & lovin.
*sympathy & lovin*
Yeah…sounds like a crappy situation to be in. Now I’m sure that you don’t want much fuss made over it, and to tell the truth, I don’t know if I can give (or am even qualified to give) any useful-sounding advice anyway, but I’m sure that I speak on behalf of all of us when I say that I hope that things pick up, and that you can get all of those underlying problems and stuff (which we all have!) sorted out.
I might just add that, (well, it’s probably a pretty tame version considering that my family are generally quite good to get on with), I’ve found it hard to talk about stuff often, mainly because, at home feelings and that sort of thing aren’t openly expressed, and I remember feeling really stink sometimes because I had issues that I felt I couldn’t talk about, and would often think, “what’s wrong with me?” too. It probably didn’t help having some nasty depression which resulted in me failing bursary, but that’s another story.
But there’s always light at the end of the tunnel (excuse cliché), even if you’re only in the tunnel 10% of the time, and I guess you just have to not be too hard on yourself, remember that God is always there to comfort, and what’s more, you’ve got lots of great friends to talk to and to help you. Don’t feel bad about being honest and open and talking about it either, or worry what people might think, because you’re not the only one with some degree of messed-up-ness, we all have - everyone’s got stuff that needs sorting.
Having said that, don’t feel that you should have to talk about it or spend much time thinking about it, especially when you’re feeling fine and dandy and all is well with the world [cue for happy squirrels jumping around in trees].
Oh nuts myself…looks like I’ve exceeded my fuss quota. Ummm, tell you what, I’m not going to take this back either, but just don’t dwell on it!
May the blessing of a thousand squirrels rest upon your head, or some sort of squirrel reserve anyway. :)
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