bad air and miasmas!

Heh heh... i had decided that i wouldn't be posting over the week from my birthday to when my essay is due, as this is taking procrastination too far... BUT i really felt i needed to post.
I really wanted to post last night, but stayed up way too late which ended up making things even worse, lol!!! So finally i think i'll get it all off my chest now and BLOG!!

Unfortunately some nice caring people, like Paul and Kelly, have started asking me loaded questions. They will ask things along the lines of "how are you?" and i will say "good" and they say "really?" . I dislike this because on days when i feel like its all a bit too much i end up almost telling them how i feel... which is WRONG!! Like i've said many times before... sharing your feelings with other people is bad and you shouldnt do it (har)! Este has also jumped the fence into danger category, she has this look that she gives me when she's concerned or if she knows im upset about something... and it really gets me! Joy does a similar look, but fortunately Joy is back in America and i dont have to face the look any more, hee hee!

Anyho, im getting really distracted, in fact, i was just away for 20 minutes looking at blogs and the like then, so my procrastination continues at full throttal!!

Firstly, i am supposed to be in a test RIGHT NOW. That is correct. At this very minute. Some people, eg Brehaut and Aeronwy and Jared consider me stupid for not being in the test. However,
1) i have not studied, as i only had 4 days warning and have been way too busy
2) it wasnt listed in any course handouts, so technically i believe it doesnt count
3) I havent done any of the readings so far this semester
4) i dont understand the work anyway
so really there was no point going into the lecture, not being able to answer any of the test questions, getting emotional and upset, walking out knowing i had failed. So it was just easier to not go.

I had like the most amazingly emotional day yesterday! and i am still feeling the after effects today. I am half attributing it to getting home from the ball at 2am, attending debrief with Ruth and Este until 3am, and getting up at 8.30 when Este got up for Soccer.
The rest i am attributing to whatever miasma has affected us all lately.
(insert interesting fact: during the middle ages, people thought that germs, infections etc, travelled by 'miasma' or bad air, kinda like a fog... Shakespeare often refers to it )
Anyhoo... yesterday.
Well.
It snowed - which was primo-ly awesome... and everytime i walk outside today i still get all warm and fuzzy inside, despite the extreme chill outside =) Isnt God's creation amazing!
But despite the snow i was a little sad. Nathan was so bored with travelling that the only thing that could possibly relieve his boredom was texting me. I'm good company when you're bored, i am. When you're not bored though, dont bother.
So Helen, Ruth, Esther and I went to Brehaut and Reuben's flat to make a snowman, threw snowballs at the windows and ended up being yelled at as Complete Morons. I mean okay, so i am a moron sometimes... okay.. a lot of the time. But a complete moron?
At the same time, my friend Brad was up from Timaru (represent, Timmas boys!)(and Sal!).. thanks heaps to him for texting me and telling me he was up.(insert sarcastic laugh: har) I've seen him once in the last 3 years... so it was a shock to find out he was up, but i invited myself over to see him. Talked for about 20 minutes then i left. He wouldnt even give me a hug goodbye. Which was rather sad, cos i really needed it, however Adam (more Timaru-vian goodness) gave me the elusive hug that i so badly needed.

(just to add a wee note here, so as to not offend anyone - those was the bad thoughts i was having yesterday. Im sure Nathan finds me interesting even when he's not bored, and Jimmy doesnt think we're complete morons, and Brad just didnt think to tell me he was up in Christchurch...
So no bad feelings towards those guys, that was just the irrationality of yesterday)
When i got home for some reason, again i blame the miasma... i didnt really have much of a reason to be feeling so crap, but by the time i got home i was just feeling so nasty. I was so close to tears for the next 3 hours... and couldnt even really work out why.
I turned on the computer at 9 to check emails and do my essay... yeah right!! got distracted emailing Sam... (which didnt work... so if you have another email addy Sam... feel free to send it this way! :) ) talked a little bit to Brehaut and Nathan, but the sad thing about internet is you can so easily give off the impression that everything's fine when really its far from that.
So finally i headed off to bed at 10.45... which is way later than i should have gone! As you all know, i am little, like Reubs, and need 9 hours sleep! But i didnt go to bed, heh heh! I put on the heater, turned off the lights, and wrote all my sad thoughts down.
(insert relevant explanations here: I honestly can't explain the majority of why i've been feeling so crap lately... and most of the time i dont even know what im getting upset about!!
Winter is over, spring will come)

So then, after far too long of that, i got into bed and deludedly thought i was going to sleep. Unfortunately the stupid tears that had i had been battling all day, were still determined to own me. So for almost an hour i had to ride the wave. My feelings of inadequacy and extreme despair at the way uni stuff is going at the moment just took over.

Im being incredibly honest here, and i dont particularly want you all to read this and go "aaaw. its okay, we still love you. Are you okay, cos you dont really sound so good?" Because i hate feeling weak. And i dont like being controlled by my feelings, i'd much prefer being owned by reason! And i certainly dont need pity :)

But yes, i will post briefly, but not too extensively, on the way things are with uni.
Im not so sure that this is where i want to be. Well i like the lifestyle - the long 2 hour lunch breaks with my good mates, my access to awesome computers, and warm libraries, the interesting stuff we're learning about what we already knew in linguistics.
But i am sick of the work. Im not sure the courses i'm taking are gonna help me with what i want to do anyway!! If i can't handle the political science assignment work, how will i handle that sorta stuff every day of the week in a job? I definately think its time to re-evaluate.
But the annoying thing is that i can calmly sit here and say that now, but when the night comes and you're tired and beginning to worry, the fear sets in anyway and reason seems so far away!!

So yus. A rather bleak post for a rather bleak (but pretty) day! But i needed to get it all off my chest... so now i can get back to the essay writing!
tally ho!