two cents

I am somewhat of a hypocrite. I have recently realised how easy it is to comment on other people's behaviour, yet when you are in a similar situation suddenly things are not so straightforward.

Last year (and I mean 2004) I had it all sorted. I was Miss Christian who went to an upright Pentecostal church, had God relatively figured out, prayed up a storm, and had quite fixed ideas on couples. Now things are topsy turvy.

I no longer attend church because I dont understand it. I have been to so many over the past year, and generally the people are not friendly, I do not often find the teaching very meaty, and on the whole, church has appeared to be a time where white middle class people gather together and sing. This sunday morning gathering is apparently the crux of the Christian faith. And because I question it, I am abnormal. Even my parents are concerned because I'm not "going to church on sundays".

In some ways I understand God far more than ever before, but with this understanding comes the realisation that there is far more I dont know. I know that God doesn't always heal sick people. That God does not always actively guide our paths, sometimes it doesn't matter what we do, as long as we are doing it to glorify God- it may not matter which country we go to, or which job we accept, if we do it faithfully trusting God and living in such a way that he would be glorified.

I dont often know what to pray anymore - if someone is sick, I know that a) God sometimes heals, and b) through suffering we learn perseverence, but which is more right? Should I pray, faithfully hoping, or be realistic? Do I pray with my old "father I lift up so-and-so to you" or "Lord we know that you have given us authority to trample on snakes and scorpions..." etc etc, or do I stumble along and say "i dont know what to pray, but Joe has pain and it would be nice if you could heal it, but if you can't, please teach Joe to be faithful, and to grow in his knowledge of You" because sometimes those sorts of prayers feel empty when all Joe really wants is to be cured.

And I used to quite happily spout my views on PDAs, kissing before engagement, and the appropriate length of time before marriage. Offering my two cents worth on anything I felt inclined to comment on. Now I know, from experience, that its not all so easy and black and white. Just to clear it up - I had previously decided that I was not going to kiss a boy until we were engaged, however after being in a relationship for a matter of time I realised that my reasons for the rule were case specific, and it didn't seem right to push my narrow reasoning upon someone else without discussing it. So we jointly decided to abandon the rule.
I have also been very guilty of commenting on other peoples decisions or actions when really it was not my place. I think that other people can do what they want to do and it is not my place to comment on it unless I have a very real concern that I wish to talk over with them. Hopefully I am not particularly guilty of this, but it is a pet hate of mine that people may talk behind someone's back about an area that they disapprove of, yet do not directly express their concern to that person. If its really that much of a concern then say something to the person, otherwise shut up about it.

Anyway I just felt like posting about the hypocrisy i see in my own life. Now that life is rather more grey for me, I see less need for the well-intentioned, but rather arrogant, vocalisations of people like me. I can now see the value in being in a similar situation to someone else before offering your two cents worth. Sometimes you dont know as much as you like to think you do.