boys/girls, getting hurt, and hurting others...
Slightly revised post...
Paul and Jess... i really want to post on your boy/girl/friendship discussions... but cant think up anything that really directly ties in.. so maybe its better if i just come up with something i can rave about for a while. (Just in case anyone was wondering, i DO do serious, occasionally.. i mean if you looked at my blog for the first posts it was very serious.. i had to silly it up a bit.. yup.)
Just a wee note: for those of you that find ambiguities or supposed biblical contradictions in my rantings, you're probably wrong. Often im just being hypothetical and you've misinterpreted it... i am genuine, and really ache to be that godly woman God wants me to be. Ask me if you're not okay with something i say.
I think, Jess, that men DO actually have feelings. Sometimes it seems to us like they hurt us and hurt us and dont ever get hurt themselves. But ive been talking to my friend in Scotland a lot lately, and he's been hurt a bit by girls, which is kinda reassuring. Plus he reassured me that there are nice committed guys out there who are worth it. =)
sometimes its even the other way round re. Christian and non-christian boys. I've had more non-christian boys tell me they think im awesome and would be keen, and they can often make you feel better about yourself cos they are okay with affirming you. I think there's a bit of stigma with christians sometimes, where you hope that by not talking about having actual feelings for someone else, the issue might go away. Or if you tell a christian girl that you appreciate her friendship she will think you want to marry her.
So in answer to your question, Jess gurl: (pleeeeeese dont everyone bag me for this) i think i can see where cheating could be more interesting/ exciting than a commited relationship. sometimes i think it would be easier (of course this is in the ideal world where there are no consequences to our selfish actions) to have a whole lot of guys on the go at once, no commitment necessary, no hurt feelings. Flirt all you want, have it any way you choose. I think its only 'human nature' to want what is bad for us. But im not saying its good to think this way, im just acknowledging that i know i do it sometimes.
Unfortunately (?) it doesnt work this way... feelings are always gonna get involved... yup. no matter how much you dont want to let your heart get involved in something, it always does.
I used to be friends with a guy, who had a girlfriend, and he would often text me and ask me to come over and visit him. i wouldnt go often, but he'd try and kiss me goodnight, and i would push him away, thinking man.. if i was his girlfriend, i'd be really hurt by his flirting with another woman. I think its guys like him who ruin it for a lot of other guys out there who are really HOT (holy, outrageous trustworthy, for a good laugh read the book.. most of its crap, but theres a little bit of good advice in there), and are awesome.
And on the flipside, a lot of girls just play around with guys... and im sure there are heaps of guys with broken hearts out there that just dont talk about it, cos its not cool for boys to have feelings.
Its really sad that we hurt each other so easily... that the little things we say can cut so deeply into another, even without our realisation, or without intent on our behalf. And through all my experiences i would often believe that "relationships with the opposite sex" (usually in a more-than-friends way) is the biggest problem facing us. Its certainly the area in which i've been most hurt, and which i've done a lot of hurting of other people. When i was younger i would quite unapologetically play with guys' feelings then when they actually got interested i would leave them hanging, hurt. And its so sad that we continue to this as we grow older, and mature. Not in such obvious or malicious ways, but simply because we are creatures of pleasure and feeling, and when we arouse either of these senses we tend to do stupid, incoherent things.
So, Jess... i hate all the hurt i've been through. I know a lot of it has made me stronger, but it still leaves a scar. And on the other side, im sorry for all the hearts ive played with or unintentionally broken over the years. boy/ girl relationships are the thorn in our side, yet can also be such a blessing in our lives!!
wouldnt life be heaps simpler if we didnt let our hearts get involved in anything.
6 Comments:
Agreed - good post.
Sin in this area is not limited to one sex.
"Christian and non-christian boys. I've had more non-christian boys tell me they think im awesome and would be keen, and they're often better at letting you down nicely than christian boys. I think there's a bit of stigma with christians sometimes, where you hope that by not talking about having actual feelings for someone else, they might go away."
I think you do christian guys a great injustice. While I don't want to make a comparison between the two, non-christian guys may be nicer, but I feel you are saying what I hold to be noble is wrong, and what I see as repulsive as something to be proud of.
A guys thought: She's really hot, so even though I don't really see her as long-term potential, I'll flirt with her and be nice to her, that way I can go out with her, and have a good time. I can always dump her later.
Result: Guy asks girl out, and cheats on and\or breaks up with her, hurting her.
Another guys thought: She's really hot, but I don't really see her as long-term potential, so I can't let myself flirt with her, or let her like me, otherwise I might hurt her.
Result: Guy does not ask girl out
Which would you like guys to be like?
Hey everyone! Slow down! the Don - I don't think Nato was meaning what he said as a personal attack on you. In fact knowing Nathan, I'm sure he didn't mean it in that way at all! :)
its okay, Paulie... nothing unresolved, its just my stupid pride being hurt because Nathan doesnt see longterm potential in me, lol!
Its all my fault for getting my back up, im sure Nathan didnt realise that he would really hurt me by what he posted and said, he probably didnt know he was touching on a sore point from the past.
Jess *hug* you do make me feel better =)
I suppose now is the right time to say, of course i believe long term relationships are better... i posted ages ago on my blog about people hooking up all the time... i really dont know sometimes why people just go back and go back and get hurt over again. Why would you want that when you could have a commited long-term relationship?! I wonder what goes on in peoples heads when they get involved like this so often. For example the girls that you see out clubbing, drunk, scantily dressed, what are they looking for? short term pleasure, or decent relationship? its obvious...
I really liked Brehaut's post about HR when i read it, ive just finished a human rights paper at university, and it often seemed to me like selfishness, of individual rights rather than group responsibilities and duties is taking over the modern world. I had to write about this in my exam, so i hope the lecturer likes it!! But that is one of the reasons why Asian cultures arent so happy with Western HR ideas - they believe that its not all about egocentricness (egocentricity?), its about collective harmony, and fulfilling your duties in regard to one another.
tough issue eh?
Reuben here. I have joined the blogging circles... See my big spiel on jess's blog. Yes, guys do have feelings. But I think most guys keep them at more than arms length from others cause we don't know how to handle them very well... which is not surprising cause guys never really talk about them. =) In fact, I think many guys keep them at arms length from themselves - for the same reason, they don't know how to deal with them very well.
There's always a pretty good way to avoid hurting people - don't get involved in a 'more-than-friends' relationship. It's a tough call to make, and sometimes it may be that the best thing is to not continue to be very close friends either - at least for a while, but in the long run it's better cause you guard each other's hearts.
I think I'll be pretty sure if I ever become 'more-than-friends' with a girl - simply because I know that as soon as you start that kind of relationship, it gets a fair bit harder to avoid pain if you break up. Suppose it's all part of that committment thing. But the pain of ending a friendship is different to giving your heart to someone and then having that relationship break up. Until you're married, we should be committed to making sure if the relationship ends - each person still has all his or her heart to give to whoever they marry.
As for your comments on feelings. I think that if you're starting or persuing a relationship based on feelings you're on shakey ground to start with. Not that feelings aren't important, but they just aren't that reliable (see my comment to jess's post). I think flirting is just plain dumb cause you're playing with fire and sure to get burned (in saying that, it can be fun, I guess, which is why so many people do it).
Personally, I go along with what Joshua Harris said in his books... We have no right to a person's heart (in the romantic sense) unless we intend to marry that person... and even then we have to be careful until we actually marry them - just in case we break up. Our hearts are the only thing that make relationships so precious - so we need to be careful about them.
Hope this is helpful.
dont want to keep this issue going forever, but i just wanted to post on the amusement of this:
the whole problem was with the fact that Nato thought i'd been posting about him, which explains some of his comment about it. I didnt get that at all, i thought he was just saying i had repulsive values, and got all het up about that, which isnt really what he was talking about at all. So when we talked about it yesterday, it took me over an hour to get out of Nato that he thought id been posting about him. i was just like "huh?" so obviously dense to anything, lol!! It just seems really darned funny that it took me SO long to work that out...
Nathan misinterpreted what id said and commented, and i misinterpreted his comment and commented on that, then he misinterpreted my comment, and i misinterpreted what he meant when he was explaining himself.....
so damn funny, lol *big grin*
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